Stop Comparing Your Teen With Others, It Does More Harm Than Good

How many of us, as children, have experienced being told, “Bakit hindi mo gayahin si ano,” because that person excels academically? Or perhaps we've heard things the other way around, “Tingnan mo si ano, ganyan ang mangyayari sa’yo kapag patuloy na ganyan ang ginagawa mo. Wala ka ding mararating!”

Comparing one’s child to others is an impulse for many parents, often driven by a desire to understand their child’s progress or more often than not, to motivate them to become better. Although there’s an intent to propel kids to the best of their capacities, this approach can backfire–it can inadvertently place undue pressure on children, impacting their self-esteem and individuality.

Also read: 'Kung Hindi Nangunguna Ang Anak Sa Klase, Hindi Ibig Sabihin May Kulang Sa Kanila'

So is the case with the results of a recent research conducted by Integrated School of De La Salle University - Manila among 200 Senior High School students to determine the relationship between ‘parent social comparison and adolescents’ academic self-appraisal and academic behavior.’

'These adolescents may be discouraged when they are identified with someone inferior to them and frustrated when contrasted with those who are better off academically, as they may feel pressure to perform just as well as those perceived as superior... As parents contrast their children with those who perform poorly, it reduces adolescents' confidence in their capabilities to achieve academic success.' —Integrated School of Dela Salle study

Study: what happens when adolescents are compared

The study notes, “their parents are more likely to compare them with those performing better academically and see these superior comparison targets as role models that they can emulate.”

It adds, “as a result, these adolescents may be discouraged when they are identified with someone inferior to them and frustrated when contrasted with those who are better off academically, as they may feel pressure to perform just as well as those perceived as superior.”

Additionally, the study finds, “The more the parents contrast their children with those perceived as inferior, indicating that they are better than them, the lower the adolescents' academic self-efficacy. As parents contrast their children with those who perform poorly, it reduces adolescents' confidence in their capabilities to achieve academic success. It decreases their motivation as their parents set a benchmark referencing adolescents who are inferior to them.”

Also Read: Why Telling Your Child To 'Do His Best' Doesn't Help (Here's What To Say Instead)

The findings suggest that when adolescents are frequently compared by their parents to peers who are underperforming, accompanied by warnings that they might face a similar future, they are more likely to adopt self-handicapping strategies to protect their self-esteem from potential failure—choosing an easier task, not getting enough sleep, procrastinating, to name a few. These self-handicapping strategies, however, can undermine their academic performance.

Overall, the study gives spotlight on fostering a positive and supportive parent-adolescent relationship rather than one centered on comparisons. Parents are to be mindful of their language and behavior, to create an environment that boosts self-esteem and encourages positive coping strategies to support academic success.

Also Read: Things You Didn't Know About Raising Teenagers: Your Teen Can Recognize Hypocrisy

Constructive comparisons, when used, should focus on personal growth rather than competition, to help build self-efficacy and reduce academic anxiety.

For some of us, we’ve carried these words with us as ‘little voices’ in our adult heads and we probably tend to sell ourselves short if we were once thought to be no better than our peers.

You’ve been there, done that–now what?

We’ve all been children once. A little comparison helped us propel ourselves to do better. Remember when you were little while playing that game, “Maria went to market,” and your peripheral view caught glimpse of the other child who's almost done donning the dress so you rushed yourself to pick up the pace and won!

But we also know deep in our hearts, with or without research—as little kids or as teens, how comparison impacts the way we view ourselves. For some of us, we’ve carried these words with us as ‘little voices’ in our adult heads and we probably tend to sell ourselves short if we were once thought to be no better than our peers.

"In the moments when you’re feeling most challenged to see your teen’s strengths, call upon your memories. Remember who your child has always been—since the first moment you fell in love with them.” —Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia

So how do we find ways to motivate our kids without having to compare them with others?

5 tips to stop comparing your teens with others

1. Identify their strengths. 

A health tip from Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia is to spot your teen’s strength by considering “the qualities your teen may have that would allow them to make wise or positive decisions. Perhaps they have drive, insight, thoughtfulness, compassion, resilience or a protective instinct—these are just some of the core qualities that will help them thrive… In the moments when you’re feeling most challenged to see your teen’s strengths, call upon your memories. Remember who your child has always been—since the first moment you fell in love with them.”

2. Recognize their effort.

Teens often struggle with motivation in school, especially when they lack the right support. A supportive environment is crucial for helping them raise their aspirations, maintain focus, and stay motivated to learn. Encourage your teen by acknowledging their efforts, such as completing a challenging assignment or taking on a difficult class. Let them know that perfection isn’t expected; instead, emphasize the importance of trying their best and putting in consistent effort.

Also Read: ’Di Na Ako Competitive: I Stopped Comparing My Child With Others

3. Be Involved.

It is common for parents to disengage with teens because teenage years are usually when parents become an ‘eyesore’ to kids. But a German health journal explains that, “developmental psychology and neuroscience reveal that a fundamental reorganization of the brain takes place in adolescence.”

It adds, “Typically, adolescents seek diversion, new experiences, and strong emotions, sometimes putting their health at serious risk.” In this light, our adolescent kids need their parents more than ever, so it is important to keep our communication lines open with them.

While your teen may not want to share everything with you (and that’s perfectly fine),keep an active interest in their life by making an effort to talk to them regularly. Ask about their day, school, friends, sports team, and life in general. These conversations don’t need to be lengthy—a brief daily chat can go a long way in helping you gauge how they’re doing and whether they might need additional support.

4. Teach them to practice self-care.

Teens have notorious sleeping and eating habits—skipping meals for example or not sleeping enough. As parents, we need to remind them that learning how to take care of themselves can help their overall well-being, including their positive view of themselves.

Also Read: Early Bedtime Leads To Improved School Performance in Young Kids and Teens

5. Find a tutor or a coach.

If practicing daily does not improve your child’s performance, maybe it’s time to invest in a tutor or a coach. Tutors and coaches can be valuable sources of support and guidance for your teen.

Research indicates that students with mentors are more likely to excel academically and succeed in higher education. A coach can help your teen identify and develop their strengths and potential. With their guidance, your teen can adopt effective strategies to enhance their academic and extra-curricular performance.

Remember to discuss this with your teen before hiring a tutor so they understand the value of it first and that you’re not imposing just ‘another rule’ on them.

To learn and unlearn as we go

As parents, we’re still navigating this journey, constantly figuring things out as we go. We’re in a process of learning, unlearning, and re-learning: striving to do better each day.

It’s not just about raising our children; it’s also about breaking the cycles of generational wounds that have shaped us. We’re working hard to heal, grow, and redefine what parenting means so we can provide a healthier, more nurturing environment for our kids. It’s not always easy, but our commitment to becoming the best versions of ourselves as parents fuels our determination to build a brighter, more loving future for our children.

Do you have a blended family with teenagers? Here are some tips to thrive well.