Want To Raise Independent, Empowered, Children With Grit? This Parenting Style Might Work For You

As parents, witnessing our children grow independent can be bittersweet. The child who previously couldn’t let our hands go can now go a full day on their own at school without needing to talk to us. Is this the end-all be-all of parenting? That eventually our children wouldn’t need us anymore?

Parenting will be irrelevant

A Facebook reel of Oprah with Dr. Shefali, an acclaimed author, international speaker, clinical psychologist, and wisdom teacher, delved into the profound concept of conscious parenting, and its goal of “becoming irrelevant.” Which Oprah clarified, because as most parents would ask, why would we aim to become irrelevant in our children’s lives?

Dr. Shefali answered, “On the contrary. We want to be the supreme being in our children’s lives. Tattoo my name on your chest. We would love the child to do that. Yes. Well, if our goal is to have children who are unable to honor their own voice, then we make ourselves relevant.”

She then compares this to if we “consciously” raise our kids to not need us anymore, “If we want to raise children who are empowered, who are resilient, who are gritty, who know how to fall back on their own inner auspices for strength, for courage, for inspiration, then we raise children who do not need us anymore.”

She, however acknowledges, that the opposite is currently more prevalent, “We’re doing the contrary. We’re raising our children to need us because it makes us feel valid. It gives us significance and keeps our relevance. I’ll come to the rescue. I love when my daughter calls me secretly. I do. My ego does. But my soul knows better.”

“My soul knows that she can find her way. And I need to fade into the background and allow my ego to sit back and fall back. And that’s hard. It’s a constant practice, because we have this thirst for significance. But I will not now, or do it less, use my daughter to fulfill my thirst for significance,” Dr. Shefali emphasizes.

Conscious parenting

This is the essence of conscious parenting–the belief that a parent’s ultimate goal should not be to perpetuate their own relevance through their children but rather to empower them to navigate life with independence, resilience and authenticity. Dr. Shefali articulates this philosophy, emphasizing the importance of nurturing children who are capable of honoring their own voices and relying on their inner resources for strength and guidance.

Also, contrary to societal norms that glorify children’s dependence on their parents, conscious parenting invites caregivers to relinquish the need for constant validation and significance derived from this. It is logical to expect that as our children grow old and become their own persons, they would need us less. Perhaps the true proof of concept for our parenting is our children as grownups–living their full lives, without us by their sides, no matter how depressing that may seem for us.

But how can parents apply conscious parenting? How can we work our way towards “irrelevance” while also fulfilling our responsibilities? Here are practical tips to consider:

4 Tips To Becoming A Conscious Parent:

1. Cultivate self-awareness

Start by examining your own motivations and beliefs about parenting. Are you seeking validation through your child’s achievements? Are you afraid of becoming irrelevant? By fostering self-awareness, you can begin to untangle ego-driven behaviors and embrace a more conscious approach.

2. Foster independence

Encourage your children to make decisions and solve problems on their own, even if it means allowing them to experience failure. Resist the urge to swoop in and rescue them at the first sign of difficulty. Instead, provide guidance and support as they learn to navigate life’s challenges independently.

3. Practice detachment

Recognize that your children are separate individuals with their own unique paths and destinies. Allow them the freedom to explore their interests, make mistakes, and chart their own course, even if it might be different from your expectations.

4. Lead by example

Model authenticity, resilience, and self-awareness in your own life. Show your children that it’s okay to embrace vulnerability and imperfection, and that growth often comes from embracing challenges and setbacks.

Ultimately, conscious parenting is not about holding onto power or relevance but about honoring the sacred journey of self-discovery and growth–for both parent and child. While it may be difficult to let go, empowering our children to become their true selves is the ultimate testament to our parenting success.