“Parents, you should be like a lighthouse for your child, a stable force from the shoreline that they can measure themselves against. You should look down at the rocks and make sure they don’t crash into them. You should look into the waves, and believe in their ability to learn and navigate them, but prepare them to do so,” says Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg, pediatrician, adolescent medicine specialist, university professor, co-founder/director of Center for Parent and Teen Communication and an advocate of Lighthouse Parenting.
In an interview hosted by Amy Alamar and Sarah Cody of Parenting Beyond the Headlines podcast, Dr. Ginsburg highlights lighthouse parenting, a term he coined to describe balanced parenting: “When we balance parenting, then we actually pay attention to the situation. We always protect our kids when safety is involved, but we prepare them to navigate the world on their own. We remember that preparation is protection.”
Ginsburg uses the analogy of a lighthouse to explain this parenting strategy. We are supposed to be lighthouses as opposed to a helicopter (consistently hovers), a lawnmower (intervenes to remove or ‘cut’ difficulties), or a tiger (pushes kids strictly to attain high levels of success) or authoritarian (controls and demands), if we want to keep enduring relationships with our kids.
Likened to a lighthouse, parents are now ideally deemed to be observing the ships (their children) as they sail on the sea. They are always watching and present to offer support when the seas become rough, but they are distant observers who allow the ships to navigate the turbulent waters on their own.
“We all want to keep our children safe and for them to be emotionally healthy. And we hope to guide them towards an adulthood in which they will become their very best selves." - Dr. Ginsburg
Thrive and not survive
In the podcast episode, it was mentioned that Dr. Ginsburg is trying to avoid the word ‘survive’ when it comes to viewing parenting. In his book, Raising Kids to Thrive: Balancing Love With Expectations and Protection With Trust , he used the word ‘thrive’—to survive means to continue to live or exist in spite of danger, whereas to thrive means to grow, develop and prosper.
The essence of lighthouse parenting is to keep the relationship evolving and growing, so when kids become adults, we don’t send the message that our job is done and they’re on their own. As parents, we honor their growing independence, according to Dr. Ginsburg, but we’re here for our children, no matter what. To thrive, children both need love and rules.
“We all want to keep our children safe and for them to be emotionally healthy. And we hope to guide them towards an adulthood in which they will become their very best selves. Decades of research and life experience tell us that young people do best when parents both express their caring and take active steps to assure safe and moral behaviors in their children,” writes Dr. Ginsburg for Parenting that Works, Center for Parent and Teen Communication.
Why is this parenting strategy gaining ground?
Parenting styles have a significant impact on children's development and well-being.
According to Very Well Mind, research indicates that parenting styles can affect various aspects of a child's life, including academics, mental health, self-esteem, social relationships and even adult relationships later on. For example, authoritarian parenting, according to medical research, can cause the following impact to kids: emotional and behavioral problems, poor social and decision-making skills, depression and anxiety, aggression, strong sense of failure and low self-esteem.
Knowing how parenting impacts children’s lives, in this day and age that we can now put a label to trauma, most parents nowadays are being mindful when it comes to parenting. With the aid of digital technology, we can now search for parenting-related concerns and find the answers for them, too. We realized that helicopter parenting isn’t the best route because children didn’t learn how to be resilient, how to fend for themselves. Turns out, even gentle parenting, isn’t so great either because it left parents with guilt and exhaustion, and kids with confusion— when parents abruptly shift to a different persona once the kids go far beyond the ‘gentle parenting’ threshold.
So parents keep on trying to find what works and according to Google trends, although the term “lighthouse parenting” has been in the parenting lexicon for quite some time now, it has recently picked up— especially in the American and Australian regions. Top related queries include ‘lighthouse parent guide’ and ‘what are lighthouse parents?’
Children need to be sure that somewhere, someone sees them exactly how they want to be seen. - Dr. Ginsburg
Key Principles of Lighthouse Parenting
Be their beacon of light
One of the core principles of Lighthouse Parenting is guiding your child without over-controlling their decisions. Parents serve as a guide, providing advice and direction while allowing children to make mistakes and learn from them. This instills independence and critical thinking, helping children build the skills they need to navigate challenges on their own.
“Be the kind of parent who kids want to talk to,” Dr Ginsburg tells his listeners in the podcast. His main point is that as a child, he needs to be sure that somewhere, someone sees him exactly how he wants to be seen, that when times get rough, he could always come back to that person–and that person is you, the parent.
Provide a Safe Harbor
“This style is warm, loving, and responsive to a developing person’s needs. It also is protective in that it includes just enough rules and monitoring to keep a child safe. Each family can find the right balance for their children and neighborhood. All young people benefit from knowing they are loved. But let’s be honest, some kids need more rules by virtue of their nature or need to be monitored more closely because their peer group or neighborhood is more challenging,” Dr Ginsburg writes. This is from his article, “The Best Parenting Style Balances Love and Rules”
Lighthouse Parents are emotionally present, attuned to their child’s feelings and needs. This emotional availability helps children develop emotional intelligence and fosters open communication. Being empathetic and understanding strengthens the parent-child bond and encourages children to express their emotions without fear of judgment.
Be the tower that observes, not hovers
In the podcast, Dr. Ginsburg reminds parents not to overfocus on their children’s lives, their grades, scores, performance, field of sports, etc because kids begin thinking that they have to produce something to get your attention. Just be there.
Dr. Griffin recounts that when our kids are little, we enjoy them so much. We’re happy and proud of what they do. But when they get older, we focus on their behavior and what is not pleasing us. We’re focused on their performance and that's when we lose them.
Additionally, he advises not to overreact. “Be like a lighthouse, a stable force,” he says. “Kids don’t like too much drama from their parents,” he adds. He warns that if you’re gonna jump in with a parent's alarm every time you think they’re in trouble, then you’ll never gonna know anything else about their lives.
His tip? Take a breath. You’re trying to teach them that you’re not always going to try and save them. You can start by asking, “I think you’re going to get through this, what’s your plan?”
If it’s about safety, go ahead and intervene, Dr. Griffin says, but if it’s about feelings, it’s about a grade, it’s about a hurt, allow your child to navigate the rough seas and find out how to weather the storm. “Falling down is part of development,” Dr. Griffin reminds us.
Lastly, do not over-empathize. This may also backfire in a manner that they will spare you from feeling hurt or worried about them.
Related Read: Dear Parent, Your Voice Becomes Your Child's Inner Voice
Benefits of Lighthouse Parenting
The benefits of Lighthouse Parenting are profound. According to news18.com, below are the benefits of lighthouse parenting strategy:
1. Helps in developing coping abilities (setbacks are part of growing)
2. Develops a friendship with support and encouragement (kids feel safe)
3. Defines healthy boundaries (balance between love and rules)
How to strike the balance?
Lighthouse Parenting is a modern approach to raising children that emphasizes on being a steady presence and becoming a beacon that guides children and allows them to have enough space to grow and navigate their own paths. Much like a lighthouse provides safety and direction to ships at sea, Lighthouse Parents offer stability and support without controlling every aspect of their child’s journey. This balance between guidance and autonomy is critical for raising confident, resilient, and emotionally secure children.
While Lighthouse Parenting offers many benefits, it’s not without challenges. Finding the right balance between guidance and autonomy can be difficult, especially as children grow and their needs evolve. Parents must also manage their own anxieties and resist the urge to overprotect. It can be challenging for parents to step back and let their children face difficulties. However, since failure is an essential part of the learning process, it requires patience and trust. Being flexible and adaptable is key to ensuring that you continue to meet your child’s emotional and developmental needs without hindering their independence.
Some children may also need closer supervision based on their individual needs and circumstances. Parents should use the principles of lighthouse parenting to assess when intervention is necessary, especially when safety is at risk.
What’s your take on lighthouse parenting? Tell us in the comments below.
Should a parent be blamed if the kids are not listening? Find out here.
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