Dear Parent,
You say that it’s okay for your children to be mad at you, but no one can stop you from speaking up about the things they do wrong. Tough love, that is.
And when they keep making mistakes, one after another, out of frustration you might tell them, “Wala ka nang ginawang tama! Ang hina ng kokote mo! Sayang lang ang oras ko sa’yo! Kapag lagi kang ganyan, wala kang mararating!”
But you weren’t nitpicking.
You just want them to step up, bring their A-game and prove their worth. You want them to come out of their shell and show the world what they’re capable of.
Trust me, I know you mean well.
But a wise person once said, “When you keep criticizing your kids, they don't stop loving you. They stop loving themselves.”
And when I read these words, it struck me. It made me pause and think.
How many of us probably fall into the trap of wanting our children to be the best of the best? Have we ever asked ourselves, "Am I being too pushy?" "Am I being too critical of my children and how they perform?" "Am I finding faults at whatever they do?" "Do I want them to be the best because I want them to have the leverage over others or just because it makes me feel good as a parent?"
I then realized that even with the best intentions, our words can damage our children’s view of themselves–they would start to doubt themselves, feel anxious and question their self-worth, or maybe even think that they will never be good enough in our eyes. So they would start to crave for our validation, and not because they want to be better at what they do. They may stop believing in themselves, not because they don't want to, but because they feel they can't meet our expectations.
Or when they feel the sting of it and work their way up, their motivation to do well might be tied to our acceptance, our blessing–and not their own confidence or sense of self-worth.
There’s no judgment here. I understand how much you love your children and want the best for them because I do, too. But perhaps, we can reflect and ask ourselves, is my voice the kind of voice I want my children to hear when they face challenges? Is my voice enough to help them find their inner strength and thrive even when I'm no longer around?
Our voice, dear parents, often becomes our children’s inner voice when they become adults. Maybe we can find the balance between constructive criticism and words of encouragement so our children would not learn to hate themselves. If they hear too much of a bad thing against them, they would learn to be comfortable with it, familiar with it, and when time comes that people try to compliment them, it would feel unsettling. They’ll be used to being on the edge, always on the lookout for trouble, or that something bad may happen, and when they finally meet calm and focus, they’ll find the situation uncomfortable. They would probably always sell themselves short and apologize for every little thing they think they did wrong.
But it's not too late for us to show them our love and belief in their abilities. Words that uplift and support our children will help them grow into confident and resilient individuals. We can always point out their wrongdoings but we have to direct it to the behavior and not against them.
At the end of the day, our child needs to feel valued, not perfect.
Should we forgive our family if they caused us hurt? Find what these content creators think about forgiving family here.
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