Parenting is a tough job—no amount of preparation, research and studying can fully prepare you for what’s coming.
We decide on what parenting approach we’ll apply, then later on evaluate and change it. Over and over again. Because we only want the best for our kids. And sometimes, our top criteria for our parenting approach is, “This is what I experienced growning up and, so I won’t do it to my kids.”
That’s why Smart Parenting asked parents on Facebook, “Ano’ng pamamaraan ng pagpapalaki sa’yo noon ang HINDI mo na gagawin sa mga anak mo ngayon?”
As a disclaimer, we are not shaming nor judging our parents' and the previous generations by asking this question, because we know that they also did everything they could, to the best of their abilities.
Almost 600 parents shared their own cycle-breaking experiences, things they experienced as kids, and things they vowed not to repeat with their own children.
Parenting styles na hindi ko na uulitin sa anak ko
1. Favoritism, comparison and pressure
Among the comments, there’s one that comes out as the most ‘favorite’— favoritism, comparison, and pressure. Joy Araneta Ochia said she would not have favoritism. “Yung dapat pantay ang mga anak, walang favorite”. Most of the parents shared that they experienced the pain of favoritism, their parents favored one child over the others.
Michelle Lopez Paccial also shared, “Comparing to other kids pag dating sa school para daw mas ganahan. Lack of support sa gusto mong gawin lalo na kung taliwas sa gusto nila. Favoritism.”
Kian Reyes shared his own experience, “Yung pag-pressure sakin sa school to get high grades kasi kapag di mo ginawa kino-compare ka sa anak ng iba.”
RELATED: May Favoritism Ka Ba? Paano Iparamdam Sa Mga Anak Mo Na Wala Kang Paborito Sa Kanila
2. Corporal punishment
It may be today's generation of parents plus the rise of new parenting styles, but many parents shared that they will never apply corporal punishment to their kids.
'Sumbat. "Ginawa ko ang lahat para sa’yo, kaya kelangan mong gawin ‘to, kelangan mong i-achieve ‘to."' -Jane Soriano on parenting she would not repeat with her child
Some of the mentioned corporal punishments were, ‘pagpapaluhod sa munggo at asin’ and ‘sobrang pamamalo’. Jane Soriano used the term ‘panggugulpi’, which she said she'll never do.
RELATED: Mahirap Maging Gentle Parent: Why It's So Hard To Raise Kids Differently From How You Were Raised
3. Kids as a retirement plan
In a trending statement, Maine Mendoza reminded a mom in live TV, “Huwag nating ipasa sa kanya ang responsibilidad.”
Many parents shared this as their reply and as Jaeleth Grace Monterona shared, “Treating their children as a retirement plan. Lack of financial, emotional support and verbal abuse.”
It was natural for us to hear when we were young, “Mag-aral kang mabuti dahil ikaw ang mag-aahon sa amin sa kahirapan.” It becomes a cycle otherwise known as the ‘sandwich generation’. In this thread, parents are deciding to put an end it.
Kian Reyes added, “Yung maputol yung generation na retirement benefit ang anak."
READ ALSO: Nagpapa-Aral Ng Anak Habang Nag-Aalaga Ng Magulang: Money Hacks Para Sa Sandwich Generation
4. Utang na loob
The other side of ‘kids as retirement plan’, is ‘utang na loob’.
As Judy Santiago-Aladin, section editor of Smart Parenting said, “Hindi ko ipaparamdam na may utang na loob siya sa akin dahil magulang niya ako.”
Jane Soriano also added in her list, “Sumbat.” It is also familiar for us to hear, “Ginawa ko ang lahat para sa’yo, kaya kelangan mong gawin ‘to, kelangan mong i-achieve ‘to.”
Smart Parenting has an opinion piece on utang na loob and Respect, which you can read here.
5. Emotional support
All parents want to provide all their kids’ needs—food on the table, clothing, shoes, and a little bit of luxury. But after reading this discussion of parents, it’s evident that aside from material things, kids also need (and want) emotional support from their parents.
Jane Soriano shared her list of ‘Not-to-do's, “Lack of emotional support and sweetness. Communication. Being ignored. Being compared. Lack of bonding/memories together.”
'Yung bawal sumagot. I encourage my son to reason out. Also I don't mind saying sorry kung mali naman talaga ako. Parents are not always right.' -Myline Kanativala
Kristine Bernadette added, “Lack of love and support, yung kahit sa simpleng achievements ng anak mo dapat na maging proud ka.”
Jaque Buising-Villa also said a simple yet important matter, “I want to be part of every special event in their lives, kahit simpleng school performance or sports activities.”
Another one was added by Kian Reyes, “Yung 9 ang ginawa mong tama, pero yung 1 mali 'yung nag stand-out at pinansin.”
6. Open Communication
This was also shared by lots of parents. Lhiz Pialago said, “My kids are allowed to give their opinion respectfully so we can meet halfway to compromise. Support them sa choice nila na career.” She also added that she wants to change this mentality, “Ang magulang lang ang tama at may alam ng lahat.”
Myline Trinidad HM Kanativala added, “Yung bawal sumagot. I encourage my son to reason out. Also I don't mind saying sorry kung mali naman talaga ako. Parents are not always right.”
“Hindi ko iisipin na palagi akong tama dahil lang ako ang mas matanda. Magiging bukas ako sa saloobin ng aking anak at sisiguraduhin kong alam niya na ang nanay niya ay isang "safe space" na mamahalin sya kahit anong mangyari,” Sam DA said.
Ryjie Cose also shared, “Ang pigilan mag-speak up ng side ng bata, kasi kadalasan sa atin lumaking nasa utak natin na ang pag-salita ay pagpapakita ng kawalang respeto. But now that I’m a parent, I let my kids speak up and explain their side.”
RELATED: 'Maraming Sikreto Ang Anak Ko': 5 Paraan Para Mas Maging Open Sa Iyo Ang Teenager Mo
7. Validation of feelings and appreciation
One practice that seems unimportant is validating our children’s feelings but as parenting experts remind us, it is important.
Phoebe Eve said, “I will always tell them and make them feel they are beautiful, they are loved, they are good enough, and they can be anything they want. Appreciate what they do, hindi yung mali lang nakikita. Make them feel secure with themselves, para maging confident sila, walang pagdududa sa sarili at walang takot harapin ang mundo.”
“I will validate all the feelings they have and let them speak freely with their heart!” Jessa Marcelo said.
Jo Salcedo also added this to her ‘Not-to-Do’ list, “Invalidation of feelings… Bawal mag-express ng nararamdaman kasi invalid ang feelings ng mga bata.”
Aside from this, Andrea Data-Ko shared what she experienced which was the negative side of not showing kids appreciation, “I grew up being bullied by my own family. The good things I achieved were not appreciated in a supportive, loving manner. Instead they showed me 'appreciation' by saying things like: Weh? Di mo naman gawa yan eh! Wooo totoo ba? And the list goes on.”
8. Transparency about finances
Finances may have been a taboo topic in some families, because it was dubbed as ‘usapang matanda’. Jeddang Bint Amin wants to break this cycle with her kids, “Ipaalam sa kanila ang totoong estado ng kaperahan namin na habang bata pa sila, malaman nila kung ano ang kaya at hindi namin kayang bilhin. Lagi kong sinasabi sa mga anak ko na wala tayong pambili ng kung anong gusto nilang makuha o makain, na antayin namin ang sweldo dahil wala namang nagbibigay sa amin, walang libre, wala ding sideline. Sa tuwing sweldo din kung anong gusto nilang luho basta kaya pa, go kaming mag asawa.”
Another aspect of finances, as shared by Cecilia Berbano, “Hindi supportive sa extra-curricular activities dahil gastos lang.”
RELATED: How Your Kids Acquire Your Attitude Towards Money
9. Spoiling and overprotection
Other parents on the other hand, said they were a bit spoiled growing up. They later on realized that spoiling doesn’t give too many advantages, and now they try not to spoil their kids.
Kimmy Alocillo-Ofrecio said, “Yung hindi ako pinapakilos sa bahay. Buhay prinsesa.”
Ann SJ also shared her experience, “I-baby. Kasi katulad ko nasa pangalawang bunso. Kumbaga medyo na spoiled. Kumbaga, bigay lahat. Tapos nung nawala mama ko, doon ko naramdaman lahat. Marunong naman ako sa gawaing bahay, ang akin lang is hindi niya ko na-mature sa mga bagay-bagay. In short, hindi ako napapagalitan.”
Another interesting approach was shared by Joy Panghe, “People pleaser. Yes person. I want him to explore din. To bathe in the rain, jump in muddy puddles, play in the dirt."
Though it’s hard to break these generational cycles, we know we can do it together!
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