Surviving Miscarriage: Moms who Lost their Babies Tell their Story

Photo from idiva.com

This article was updated on March 19, 2015

“Once you choose hope, anything’s possible.” - Christopher Reeve

The gift of a baby is precious, and losing it while it is still in one’s womb can break even a strong woman. However, more often than not, moms who survive miscarriage come out even stronger.

According to the American Pregnancy Association, miscarriage or spontaneous abortion (SAB), is “the term used for a pregnancy that ends on its own within the first 20 weeks of gestation.” The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) states that it is the most common type of pregnancy loss, and studies reveal that around 10 to 25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage. (Note : a baby lost after the first trimester is referred to as “still birth”).

Whatever the circumstances are at the time of miscarriage, it is definitely a painful experience to recover from.  I have come to have a special place in my heart for the mothers who have experienced losing their babies while still in their wombs since I've heard about women in Timor Leste who experienced the same, sometimes not just once but many times over. As a mom myself, I cannot even begin to imagine how they recovered from such loss, and question my own ability to deal with such a situation, should it ever happen to me (God forbid!).

This piece features the true stories of mothers who have moved beyond their painful past experiences, and we hope other people will be inspired by their examples of faith, courage and hope.

Aissa K. Andrade-Briones, 27, is a pre-school teacher and mom to 3-month old Lucas (as of this writing). Aissa is married to Ronald Matthew who is also a teacher. She lost their first baby when she was 9 weeks pregnant.

Aissa and Ronald had been married for almost 9 months, and she had been having difficulty conceiving. After a complete medical check-up with her OB-gyne it was discovered that Aissa’s right ovary was polycystic.

She was given medications to correct her cycle.  Armed with prayers, Aissa took a pregnancy test on Christmas Day 2009 and she tested positive. Needless to say it was a very happy moment for her and the whole family!

However, her happiness did not last. Two weeks after her first ultrasound, she began to experience spotting and she informed her OB about it. She was given medications to stop the bleeding and was advised 2 weeks of bed rest. However, the bleeding still continued, even after doubling the medicine dosage. After undergoing another ultrasound, Aissa received the heartbreaking news that their baby was gone. She was then admitted to the hospital for a D and C (dilation and curettage) procedure. Before the D and C, her contractions were induced.  According to Aissa’s doctor, the embryo did not develop as it should, and it was possible that there were abnormalities that prevented it from developing.

This experience left Aissa physically and emotionally shaken.  Up to now, she says that there are still nights when she would think about it and cry.  However, she just keeps spiritually positive and claims that God has a reason for that difficult period in her life.  Says Aissa, “I knew that it wasn't the right time yet so I just kept on praying and continued with my novena to Padre Pio, though there are still times that I can't help but cry”.

Thankfully, Aissa had the support of the people around her during those trying times. The loving encouragement and inspiring stories from her own husband, mother, parents-in-law, friends and co-teachers helped her move on. It also helped that she had 30 days of leave after the miscarriage to recuperate both physically and emotionally.

Returning to work and being with her students also helped her to cope, and she even ended up with a small rosary bracelet-making business afterwards (She had initially started making rosary bracelets to keep her mind off her baby’s death). Aissa says that keeping herself busy helped her go through the different stages of grief.

Looking back, she thinks the miscarriage strengthened the bond she and her husband share. Ronald “stood strong” for both of them, never once showing his grief to Aissa.  She now considers the incident to be “just one of the challenges that God gave me, so I could be stronger emotionally and spiritually.”

After accepting what had happened and moving on from her painful experience, Aissa says she continued to remain positive that they would be given another chance to be parents.  Being positive paid off, and in May 2010, four months after losing their baby, Aissa and Ronald discovered that she was pregnant again. This time, she had a problem-free pregnancy and by God’s grace gave birth to a healthy baby boy on January 15, 2011. Aissa says that her little son is a sign of hope and the “fruit” of her optimism and prayers.

When asked to give some advice to other mothers coping with having had a miscarriage, Aissa has these words to say: “I consider it as a test of how steadfast my faith was."  Aissa also emphasizes the importance of the support of your husband, family and friends in journeying towards healing. Most of all, she says that faith in God and praying for Padre Pio’s intercession helped her move forward with her life.  In fact, Aissa borrows the words of Padre Pio himself, “Pray, Hope and Don’t Worry.”
 

 

[previous|page|next]

In the case of 33-year-old entrepreneur and external relations manager Lou Molina however, moving on was an extremely difficult thing to do.

Lou and husband Russ already had a 3-year old daughter named Tala when the unthinkable happened.  She was 22 weeks pregnant when she had severe diarrhea which led to pre-mature contractions. During one bout of bowel movement, she ended up involuntarily pushing her baby out into her underwear.

Two weeks after her daughter died they found out that her appendix had actually ruptured also. Her doctor said that her ruptured appendix could also have been related to her pre-mature labor but was not entirely sure about it, as her appendix could have ruptured after the baby had come out.

Whatever the case may be, it was a traumatic, painful experience for Lou and her family. She was in pain not only emotionally but physically as well, as her ruptured appendix affected her intestines and lungs. She developed adhesions because of the inflammation and infections, and had to undergo a lot of tests.

Because the difference between her miscarriage and the discovery of her ruptured appendix was 2 weeks, Lou says that she never really had the energy to mourn for the loss of her child right away, because “I was fighting for my life. I was worried for my parents, husband and my eldest daughter, and I wanted to live.”

It was only after recovering from her ordeal that Lou was able to absorb all that had happened.  She got to see her baby before it died, a “real person” to her as any.  She struggled with the pain for about 3 months, speaking daily with her deceased daughter through prayer.

Because of that experience, Lou claims that she became really prayerful because she felt that her daughter may have saved her life, as what she went through was indeed life-threatening. Lou says, “God was there to protect me.”
 
She also acknowledges the roles played by her parents, mother-in-law, and friends in her journey to healing. Her mom became like her “caregiver”, especially when she could still not walk on her own.  

Lou also saw her husband Russ’ strength despite all the trials. Her daughter’s expressions of love despite her young age also helped bring joy back to Lou’s heart. She also credits her doctors for the effort they took to help save her life.

Although this happened a while back, Lou admits that she is still grieving, but has never been in denial or angry. She says she knows that God has a better plan in store for her and her family. Because she experienced some forms of anxiety though, Lou sought the help of a professional to assist her in dealing with her emotions.

Because of her ordeal, Lou stopped managing her business as she considered it as a reminder of her bad experiences. However, she says that she is still working on the business  because it has a lot of potential due to the award-winning product she came up with (Lou is the mompreneur behind Loot Fairy’s Eco Bloks).

To keep busy, Lou started working fulltime again as an employee, as a way of putting her experience to good use. She also tries to dispel all negativity from their home by making sure that the house is organized and not cluttered. They repainted their walls, displayed more photos and did some renovations. She threw away all the positive pregnancy tests and the ultrasounds. As a result, she says their house and their dispositions in the family looked brighter.

Lou says that losing their daughter made her and her husband closer but she also says that she knows that he sometimes gets tired of her crying and anxiety spells. In times like these, he reminds her of the fact that they are still blessed – God gave her a second life despite the loss of their child. Plus they still have their eldest daughter to dote on.

Now that they are on the road to healing, both Lou and Russ have agreed to live their lives to the fullest. They talk about their decisions, dreams and goals. Lou says that she loves her husband even more now because she was able to see how he took care of her – especially during her ugliest, lowest and weakest moments.

Lou wants to tell moms everywhere who may be dealing with miscarriage to not be afraid to seek the help of family. She encourages couples who have lost babies to communicate with each other and to be open to each other. “Acknowledge the pain but find a solution on how you can move on with your life. And talk about it. You can blog, join a group, or meet with your friends. It's a long process but you have to move on. Reach out,” she adds.

At the moment, Lou admits to meeting with a psychiatrist to help her deal with her grief, not because she’s “crazy,” but because she acknowledges the trauma that losing a baby and almost dying in a span of 2 weeks brings.  She is now moving forward, “with God’s grace.”

Photo of Lou by Angel Ramos

 

 

[previous|page|next]

33-year-old Michele Santos Alignay, or “Ichel” as she is known to family and friends, also attributes her strength to God’s grace. 

Mommy Ichel, a counsellor-consultant and wife to Koots, recalls that during one of her regular check-ups, on April 6, 2004 to be exact, her OB could not hear the baby’s heartbeat.

An ultrasound was ordered and the OB-Sono-Perinatalogist discovered several conditions that may have caused Baby Miguel’s (they had a name for the baby already) heart failure, i.e. cystic hygromma, hydrops fetallis, and an open abdominal wall.  There was no exact cause identified for Miguel’s death though. Ichel says that a fatal virus may have been transmitted through her placenta, causing the baby to be distressed.

Ichel and Koots lost their baby. Worse, they had to wait for 3 weeks for the baby to come out naturally, since inducing labor might cause complications on the mother. She leaned on family and friends during this trying time, who “just stood and cried and prayed” with her.

Before Miguel finally came out on April 26, 2004, Ichel underwent intensive labor that she describes as “painful – physically and emotionally.” She had requested her OB to put her to sleep once the baby started coming out to avoid the pain of holding her dead child. Going home from the hospital, Ichel felt even more pain because she had all the “rudiments of childbirth but no baby.”

When Ichel had learned that Miguel had died in her womb, she decided to stop working. Recovering at home, she found herself keeping busy, reading, reflecting, crying and “wailing a lot.” Despite her grieving, she never questioned God, but only asked Him what his plan was. She learned to “cling to His grace, strength and promises.”

Her husband Koots became her sole companion during this ordeal. There were other people around of course, but Ichel says that only the two of them could fully understand what they were going through. Koots would always listen whenever she would call him at the office, crying. Ichel says that they are doubly blessed because of their solid friendship and good communication, plus their common faith in God.

To get through this difficult period, Ichel relied on “prayers, reflecting and connecting with God.” It also helped to share and retell what she went through to some people who understood. She also resumed doing research for her MA thesis.  Her adviser-mentor, who was also her counsellor, suggested that she work again.  Her new working environment at Miriam College and her job became reason to get going each day.  

Despite the circumstances of Miguel’s death, Ichel said that she was at peace which she had prayed for. She admits to sobbing and shouting fits, but she felt little anger at herself for what had happened. She did however get angry at the people who were insensitive towards their ordeal. She also almost fell “into depression.” However, her background as a counsellor and prayers for God’s healing helped her be rational and prevented this from happening.

It also helped that Koots was there with her when they lost Miguel. He took care of her physical needs, listened to her woes and held her when she cried. Admitting to not being so affected by Miguel’s death as much as his wife was, he became more focused instead on Ichel’s succeeding pregnancies.  He became a doting husband and took extra care of Ichel when she was pregnant, right through the other two pregnancies that she “lost” due to blighted ova. Currently, Koots is a hands-on dad to their two children, Migo, 4 and Maia, 19 months.  

Ichel says that after her ordeal she learned to “let go and let God!”  Her faith become stronger, and she became “more trusting in His greater plan.” She advises other moms in similar situations to “grieve if you need to... but move on and seek God’s purpose and greater plan.  Never ask God why it happened to you.”  Being counselled by her MA advisor/mentor, and receiving support from her Couples for Christ community also helped her during those trying times.

On a final note, as a counsellor and someone who has encountered losing a child, Ichel wants to share five things that she believes can help other mothers recover from the pain of miscarriage or still birth:

1.    GRIEVE – Grieving is needed.  Crying is important.  Never diminish or put aside the pain of losing a child because it is real.  Embrace it, then find ways to move on.  

2.    HAVE A MOVING-ON PLAN – Grieving is important but you cannot stay there forever.  Moving on takes concrete steps.  The goal is find constructive ways to achieve healing.  Find a craft, change your outlook in life, get into something that interests you.

3.    NEVER BLAME YOURSELF – Some insensitive people will offer unfounded "probable reasons" for what happened.  They the tendency to say things like, “baka hindi ka nag ganyan...” “dapat ganito ginawa mo...”  However, realize that we are not in control of everything.  Don’t be too hard on yourself and never entertain negative thoughts (such as, that you can’t have a child anymore).  Instead, love yourself by accepting the circumstances and acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses.

4.    FIND SUPPORT AND HELP – Your husband, your family, your close friends, community or support groups can give invaluable support.  Seek people who would understand you and whom you could talk to when needed. Go to a professional counsellor if you think you cannot find the support you need, or if you feel you need more help.

5.    CONNECT WITH GOD – Prayer, reflection, and going on a spiritual journey are needed to overcome adversities.  Think of this time as “pruning time.”  After this season, new branches in your life would come out, better and much more beautiful than before.  More than the grief, finding meaning in the experience and finding your own strengths and inner resources are God’s way of making you more mature.

Indeed, losing a child can be one of the most painful experiences a parent would ever have to go through. The personal accounts of Aissa, Lou and Ichel are living testimonies that such trials can be overcome.  By the grace of God and through the support of others, grieving parents can find the solace, strength, peace and hope that they need to move on with their lives.

If you need a list of Grief Resources you may want to check out the following links:
Angel-Luijoe.net
Mourningtojoy.blogspot.com
Compassionatefriends.info


SOURCE:
•    www.americanpregnancy.org


Photo from sxc.hu