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For some couples, getting pregnant may seem so natural and easy. But there are those who struggle to conceive and have to deal with the pressures of waiting and wanting to have a baby.
There are quite a number of factors which may affect conception such as infertility, hormonal imbalance, ovulation problems, health complications, age, lifestyle, stress, poor diet, and weight-gain or loss. Experiencing any of these will definitely add to that pressure. However, coping with not being able to conceive go beyond just the physical aspects.
There is nothing more frustrating than having to deal with the emotional and social pressures of waiting to have a baby, and often, these affect women more than men because while most women grow up thinking that they will become mothers someday, men don’t have the same pressure from society.
Women go through a lot of emotional stress as they deal with their desire to have a baby, most especially if the waiting is taking longer than expected. Many women who struggle to get pregnant experience the following:
1. SELF-PITY – feeling sorry for yourself. Feeling guilty of not being able to conceive a child, and feeling that you are deprived of something you want so much, to the point that you begin to think that life is unfair.
2. ENVY – This is when you find yourself comparing your situation with other women who have children. Feeling bitter whenever female friends or relatives get pregnant. Being stubborn and refusing to accept the reality of your situation.
3. ISOLATION – Avoiding social functions or situations which will put you on the spot where you will have to respond to other people’s questions as to why you don’t have a baby yet, such as family reunions, or occasions such as baptisms and baby showers.
4. INSECURITY – Feeling unfulfilled as a woman and as a wife. Thinking that not being able to bear a child will later on cause problems in your marriage. Convinced that there may be something wrong with you.
5. ANXIETY – Always worrying about everything. Anticipating that things could end up bad. Giving in to the emotional stress and social pressures.
Personally, I went through this kind of emotional roller-coaster during those moments my husband and I were struggling to conceive. In fact, I must have experienced all five kinds of emotional stress.
Sometimes, I still cannot believe how I survived 4 years of waiting, of dealing with pressures, of being asked, of the never-ending frustrations whenever I would get my period and of dreaming of becoming of mother… but I did, and holding on to hope never failed me up to that very moment I finally gave birth to our son.
Below, three couples share their inspiring stories:
Jocelyn Del Carmen Jarabelo, a dental nurse, and Mike, a civil engineer, got married in April 2007. Initially, they preferred not to have a baby just yet in order to enjoy the early stages of their married life, but when they finally planned to have a baby after 2 years, it became very difficult for them. “We sort of regretted delaying for 2 years.”, according to Jo.
They resorted to various ways to help them conceive, like seeking medical help from an OB-GYNE, monitoring Jo’s menstrual cycle, and even trying out treatments such as injecting hormones.
Jo was starting to get pressured most especially whenever she thought of her age, since both she and her husband were already in their 30s. It didn’t help either whenever she would encounter relatives asking her and Mike if they were ever going to have a baby.
However, what saw her through amidst the pressures she was facing was her husband. “My husband was very supportive. It (struggling to get pregnant) did not affect our relationship at all.”
Another source which she feels gave her the strength to cope was her faith in God. “I believe in this saying that, ‘The best time is His time’.”
True enough, when that perfect time came for Jo and Mike, “We were so happy. We cried.” This was how Jo would describe how she felt the moment she discovered she was pregnant.
After 4 years of waiting, they finally experienced the joy of becoming parents to a baby boy, John Zachary. “The feeling was truly unexplainable,” says Jo.
Sales administrator Lyn Hicban Nulud shares her experience too by saying that “From the start of our marriage my husband and I really tried to have a baby but it didn't turn out that way.” She and her husband Philip, a civil engineer, got married in December of 2007.
They were not disturbed that Lyn did not get pregnant immediately. Instead, they took this opportunity to enjoy their time together as husband and wife. However, when their married friends got pregnant one by one and eventually gave birth, Lyn got seriously alarmed and worried. There were times when she was already getting impatient.
Then she had to deal with the pressures from others. It didn’t help that family, friends, and even acquiantances would persistently ask them when they were going to have a baby. This would often make Lyn very upset to the point of sometimes not wanting to go out and socialize anymore just to avoid the frustration of getting asked.
Amidst these pressures however, their relationship as husband and wife grew even stronger. “In our case I believe it had a beautiful effect, as we were given time to deeply know each other.”, says Lyn. “We had some fights and misunderstandings that made us realize a lot of things particularly in our relationship as husband and wife. In this way, our connection as a married couple became more intact before we were blessed with this wonderful gift of a baby.”
Three and a half years into their marriage, they finally received the good news they longed for when Lyn discovered she was pregnant. “I actually cried when the doctor said I was pregnant, I was not really expecting it that time as I always have delayed periods.”
The couple’s joy was indeed incomparable. Every time Lyn would feel worn-out and exhausted as a result of her new role as a mother, she would always look back to that day she found out about her pregnancy and everything would be fine. She gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Larayne Elizabeth.
Lyn offers some words of encouragement to other couples who are still waiting: “Enjoy all the time you have with your husband. Hold on to your faith. Prepare your heart and soul to receive that wonderful blessing.”
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For Donna Valera, 31 and husband Mark, 35, both based in Bahrain, it took 2 years before they finally got pregnant. “I think the delay was mainly due to my irregular periods so it was very difficult to keep track of my ovulation period.”
They got married in Bahrain in November 2006. For 2 years, she would feel pressured and paranoid whenever her friends, who were married later than her, would announce that they were pregnant. On the other hand, her husband was very calm and relaxed during those times they were waiting.
It was in February of 2008 when they finally discovered that Donna was with a child. She could not believe it at first that she even took the pregnancy test twice. However, in spite of the wonderful news, she encountered some problems with her pregnancy. “I cannot help but cry every time I remember that I almost aborted my baby.”
Since she had irregular periods, she could not tell the doctors how far she was with her pregnancy so it was up to them to find out. She saw two doctors who both confirmed that she was seven weeks pregnant. During this stage, a doctor should be able to hear the heartbeat and check the baby through an ultrasound, but in her case, both cannot be detected at that time. One doctor said it was a blighted ovum (a fertilized egg which implants in the uterus, and begins to develop a gestational sac but fails to form beyond the sixth week and is absorbed back into the uterus). The doctor said that she had to undergo a D & C immediately. (Read related feature here)
Her instinct as a mother, however, was telling her otherwise. “Deep inside me I knew something was not right. I knew that my baby was just there somewhere.” So at the appointed date and time of her D&C, Donna and Mark did not show up at the hospital.“ I chose to wait until it goes out of my body naturally.”
She decided to consult another doctor referred by a friend. True enough, due to the irregularity in her period, it was discovered that she was only 4 weeks pregnant when she was diagnosed with a blighted ovum. Donna eventually gave birth via C-section to a baby boy, named Nathanael Zachary. “I could not help but cry the first time I held him in my arms.” A year and a half later, Donna again gave birth to another son, Isaiah Marcus.
Many may still find themselves in that situation of struggling to get pregnant, tired and frustrated of waiting, or perhaps, even close to simply giving up hope. Here are ways by which we can cope with these emotional burdens:
1. Be open to accept your situation, no matter what.
Prepare yourself for any possible situation – if this isn’t your time to have a baby then be willing to accept it. Try to find peace in living for the moment. Make the most of the situation by focusing on other aspects of your life. Have constant conversations with your spouse on considering other possible options for you. Accept the reality of your situation and strive to live life to the fullest.
2. Learn to feel good about yourself and strive to become a better person.
Strive to grow more as a person. Excel in your career. Nourish and nurture your existing relationships. Learn a new skill or hobby. Pamper yourself. Get involved in activities for a cause. Be the best you can be.
3. Enjoy your life together as husband and wife.
Think of your life in the meantime as an extended ‘honeymoon”. Try new things together, go to places both of you have never been to, explore new hobbies and recreations, learn new skills and talents. Use these moments and opportunities to strengthen your bond and relationship and get to know each other deeply.
4. Have sex to “make love” and not to “make babies”.
Enjoy making love with your spouse. Focus on the romance and not on the getting pregnant part. Be spontaneous. Try not to let “functional” sex put a strain in your relationship by scheduling to do it only on days when you are fertile. Keep in mind that having a baby will be more precious when it is a product of real and intimate love between a husband and a wife.
5. Seek medical, emotional and social support.
Do not isolate yourself. If it will help, consult a doctor together to improve your chances of getting pregnant. According to MedicineNet.com, most experts suggest to wait at least one year before seeing a doctor. Women 35 or older should see their doctors after six months of trying.
At the same time, find a confidante whom you can constantly talk to whenever you get pressured or emotionally frustrated such as your parents or a best friend. You and your spouse may also consider joining an organization which supports married couples such as Couples for Christ.
6. Maintain a positive outlook in life.
Look forward to a bright future for you and your spouse no matter what life brings. Count your blessings rather than focusing on what you don’t have.
Waiting can be tiring and frustrating… most especially if we focus on the impossibility of the situation we are in. I encountered this inspiring quote from one of my favorite Disney classics, Cinderella, “Even miracles take a little time”. Indeed, as much as we hope and desire to witness miracles in our daily lives, especially in times when we feel that we need and want it the most, miracles often happen when we least expect it. Sometimes, the miracle we are waiting for may come in a different form, far from what we may be expecting. But no matter what life presents, miracles happen each day. It will all depend on how ready we are to accept whatever is meant for each and every one of us.
SOURCES:
• Understanding the Symptoms of Infertility, US site – The Emotional Impact of Fertility Problems
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