'Bakit Walang Lukso Ng Dugo?' It's Called Maternal Ambivalence And It's Normal, Expert Says

If you are one of those women who at one point felt indifference or 'walang lukso ng dugo', or felt little affection and connection towards your newborn, you are not alone. Such feeling is “totally normal, expected, and common,” according to Holistic and Integrative Psychiatrist Aparna Iyer, M.D.

In her article for Psychology Today, she identifies this ‘dissonant emotion’ as maternal ambivalence and that the feeling is all part of the pregnancy and motherhood journey.

Guilt and shame

Dr. Iyer describes maternal ambivalence as “greatly conflicted emotions that a woman can feel toward her child, ranging from love and affection to frustration and anger.” It is possible that a mother may feel these emotions all at the same time, she adds. 

Citing data published in the National Library of Medicine-National Center for Biotechnology Information, about 40% of women who have given birth to one living child (primipara) and 25% of women who have given birth to more than one living child (multipara) “recalled that their predominant emotional reaction when holding their babies for the very first time had been one of indifference.”

Dr. Iyer points out that society easily labels such feelings as unnatural or wrong because mothers are expected to have a consistent feeling of fulfillment in their motherhood journey. As such, it is easy for these mothers to feel guilt or shame or that something is wrong with them. 

“The seemingly simple notion that all women have a "maternal instinct" that inherently allows them to naturally and easily care for and want children is an erroneous and dangerous viewpoint,” she writes. She expounds that such expectations are due to lack of an open discourse around the ‘mixed emotions’ mothers may have compounded by social media feeds that show the rosier side of motherhood.

Understanding maternal ambivalence

According to a research that explored the ways in which feelings of “maternal ambivalence” affect women, it was found out that these women experienced a loss of independence, relationships, and confidence when they became mothers. Such experience was attributed to ‘loss of self’ which  led to many unexpected and unwanted feelings.

“They were shocked and confused when they experienced feelings of resentment towards themselves, others, and their children. They also experienced unexpected feelings of boredom and anxiety in relation to mothering,” reads the research. In time, however the same mothers “experienced a reemergence of self” through their ability to begin to balance parts of ‘self’ and accept their ambivalent feelings towards motherhood. 

Finding support

To help normalize these feeling of indifference, Dr. Iyer writes that it is important for mothers to have strong support during pregnancy and beyond. “A dear friend, family member, trusted physician, or other support person can share their own maternal ambivalence and help normalize yours.” 

She also suggests seeking the help of a mental health practitioner, particularly one who is knowledgeable about the unique stressors of pregnancy and motherhood. Practitioners can guide women in recognizing that maternal ambivalence is natural and common, helping them  “experience a sense of ownership and agency during motherhood.”

These experts can also help evaluate between maternal ambivalence and more serious factors such as wanting to harm oneself or the child as well as rule out conditions such as postpartum depression.  

Dr. Iyer reiterates the importance of recognizing that having maternal ambivalence is part of the whole concept of what healthy and ‘normal’ motherhood is. It’s just a matter of talking about it more often so “we can normalize it for ourselves and all mothers,” she concludes.

Have you experienced maternal ambivalence? Share it with us in the comments section.