My Birthing Story: Delamar Arias

IMAGE Lai de Guzman

Delamar Arias, radio jock
Fiancée to musician/BPO executive Tyler Ashby
Mom to Cooper, 4, and Parker, 8 months old

Twenty years after she first made a mark on FM radio, Delamar Arias is bowing out of The Morning Rush on July 29 with a bittersweet final broadcast and decades' worth of beautiful memories. As she tells SmartParenting.com.ph exclusively, she leaves her 'first love' to focus on being a mom to her two boys -- and being a wife.   

SP: The last time we interviewed you for the magazine, you had just lost your daughter Ava. What transpired from then until you got pregnant with Parker?

Delamar: Physically and mentally, I focused on myself. There was work to do, specifically, a Marie-France endorsement, and taking care of myself took me out of the depression that comes after such an event. There was something to do, and it got me back into the groove, it got me back into the land of the living. Then there was that longing for another kid because we wanted more love in the family. So after a while, Tyler asked me to ask my doctor if it’s okay and my doctor said ‘Yeah’. This was in early 2015.

I realized, why not? I had gotten over that chapter in my life and I put the grief in its place … and then I got pregnant. When I found out, we were in the U.S. and touring Disneyland. We were very happy and when I got back, I had the test done.

"My doctor couldn’t believe I was pregnant again, sabi niya, 'For a girl your age and with only one ovary, medyo overachiever yang ovary mo na yan ah’."

So we went through the same tests as before, and just like previously, every moment was a milestone. But, it was also different because every step of the way there was something looming over, like a shadow of the thing that had happened. It was really kind of a balancing act between growing insane and being happy and making sure that I honored the pregnancy for what it was, not what had happened before that. But it takes a while to understand. 

During the first trimester screening, I remembered Ava. In the anomaly scan, I would remember Ava. And that’s specifically because during the anomaly scan with Ava, I remember so clearly that the doctor told me ‘Ok Delle, everything is structurally sound. Oh wait, let me just check her kidney … Ah okay, everything is structurally sound’. I remember that, and I don’t know why, but when Ava was born, [the kidney] was the first organ that exhibited a problem, and it was all downhill from there. 

Anyway, back to the present time when I doing the anomaly scan, the doctor said ‘You know, I remember your face. Didn’t you come to me a long time ago? How’s the baby?’ Sabi ko sa kanya ‘Ah, she was born but she didn’t survive’, ‘How did she look?’ ‘She’s ok’, ‘Everything fine?’, ‘Well, she died so I guess not everything went fine but she was okay when she came out. And she said ‘I remember there were findings’. Sabi ko ‘But then, wouldn’t you have told me? So I understood that she remembers that there were findings about that pregnancy. 

I went to my doctor to ask, and my doctor said ‘She saw something but it’s within the margin of error so it’s not anything notable. So, the only reason I bring this up is because for two years, in the back of my head, I knew that I could make sense of what happened [to Ava] if I just knew why. And then here it is. Certainly, I felt that the shadow was really getting bigger. 

It was a very difficult pregnancy. Kung gaano kadali yung pregnancy kay Cooper, this was the complete opposite, I had a very hard time. And then when I was coming close -- I was 33 weeks pregnant when Ava was born -- I was getting nervous, sabi ko ‘Ok, hang in there, hang in there’ and then nothing happened, so I was happy. Then we reached 34 weeks, konti na lang, I can’t wait for this to be over. At 35 weeks, I said, we’re almost there.

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And then one time, in the middle of the night I peed. Pag nag-30 weeks na ako, I always look at my pee, because I need to make sure that there’s no blood or the mucus. And I remember peeing and I felt something come out, so I looked down and I saw something that I couldn’t figure out. So in the middle of the night I was on Google, looking for videos. Finally I found a picture that matched, and it said ‘as long as there is no blood, there’s no need to panic. So I was like, okay, and then I slept again. 

In the morning, I texted my doctor about the mucus plug and then she said ‘you come to me first thing in the morning. I don’t know why but I was great, I felt calm. I called my doula. I called Tyler but his phone was out of reach so I called his friend and he said they’re in the gym. I tell him, can you just tell Tyler that my water broke and I’m going to the doctor’? ‘Your water broke?’, ‘Yeah, my water broke’, ‘Are you ok?’, ‘Yeah I’m ok, I’ll be leaving soon, I’ll just take a bath and then I’ll go’. Then I told everybody in the house, ‘Mag-ready na kayo ha’, and everybody went panicking. So I get to the hospital, Tyler arrives, and I checked into the pre-labor room. 

Then I heard them say, ‘It’s CS (Cesarean), emergency CS, we cannot wait anymore’. I said, ‘Can you just keep me here, gusto ko mag-reach talaga ng 37, 39 weeks. They said, No, now that the mucus is out, the bacteria would come in and the water is running out. They called the pedia, and from what I could hear in their conversation, it’s like she said that I should be recommended to the neo-natal doctor, who was also Ava’s doctor. When I heard that, I just cried and I bawled like a little girl. I needed to get it out, and after that I was okay.

IMAGE Lai de Guzman

SP: Were you in pain at this point?

Delamar: This is really what happened, even with Ava. I was never in pain and although it sounds amazing, it’s actually not because you need the pain. The pain is the indicator of where you are. 

I wasn’t feeling any pain then and I actually walked to the Operating Room (OR). I was transported again to [the time when I had] Ava because I remember the light, I was lying down, I remember those were the first things I saw when I woke up with Ava and I knew immediately that something had gone wrong even if I did not know what it was.

So now I was lying down and my anaesthesiologist said ‘Delle, do you want me to sedate you?’ and I said ‘No, I wanna be part of the birth’, ‘But your heart rate is going up and I need to make sure that you’re calm’, then I started to cry. At the beginning kasi, when I met my anaesthesiologist, I thought he wasn’t empathetic with the doula; he seemed to me like someone who’d say, ‘This is how we do it, this is not about you’. But it was a different story in the OR, because he said ‘If you want, I could give you something, not to sedate you but just to calm you down’. Sabi ko ‘I don’t know’. Then he just told me ‘You know Delle, everyone in this room is trained and everyone in this room is here for you, for nobody else but you, to make sure that in our capacity we are here to do the job for you’. That was very comforting.

My doula Irina asked me ‘what do you want?’ and I said ‘Irina, I want to own this pregnancy, this might be my last’ and we already talked about it.

"I want to be awake, I want to be part of this birth, I want to be there, I don’t want to be sedated and I want to make sure that all hormones that are needed for breastfeeding start."

During my labor, Irina put this musical piece on loop and told me, ‘Remember when I was meditating in one of my pre-natal visits to your house and I told you to close your eyes and look for a word that will empower you, will make you feel safe, that will guide you through the pain? Call on that word now. You don’t have to say it out loud, just say it over and over in your mind’. That really calmed me down as she held my hand. Irina was like my lawyer; she’s the one telling everybody in the hospital, ‘This is what she wants’, because I couldn’t say it for myself. During the delivery she was telling me what was happening beyond the curtain so it made me feel part of the birth.

So I calmed down, and the next thing I know, they had pulled the baby out and he was crying so loud. Still I was so afraid that the doctors would tell me bad news. It can really drive you crazy.

When they laid the baby, I saw him and he was so big, he was so white and he looked like...an alien! They made him latch and he had a good latch, I remember, then they took him away. I was aware the whole time. I didn’t fall asleep from the time that I gave birth to the time that I was in the recovery room. Irina was there and we were talking. I felt all that adrenaline.

But I was also very guarded when it came to the doctors, because, what were they going to tell me next? I was judging it by the way it happened with Ava -- for the first 24 hours, every time somebody opened the door and I knew they’re from the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), I knew I needed to hear what they had to say, but I also didn’t want to hear it. 

And then the pre-natal doctor arrived. It was the first time we had seen each other since the day Ava died. She said, ‘Hi Delle’, I don’t want to see you but I want to see you. I want to see you not within the confines of this hospital, because if I see you in this scenario then it means something’. We start talking and then she just told me ‘You know, I almost resigned that day’. She wanted to resign after Ava died and I didn’t know that it affected her the way that it did and then, there was a sisterhood between us; we were not strangers at all. It felt like we were sisters or friends, or something other than patient- doctor. 

Then she said, ‘Ok, I’m gonna release the baby, he can room in with you’, and I was just so relieved. 

IMAGE Lai de Guzman

SP: Were you able to breastfeed Parker right away?

Delamar: Well, the doctor told me, ‘Your baby is big and you need to produce 45 ml breastmilk, when I couldn’t even get a drop! Because of my baby’s weight, he needed to be fed this much; otherwise, it will affect the development of his brain. Now it’s really crazy, and I was like, ‘Boobs please, do the work, produce the milk, I want to do it’. I consulted with two of the most known breastfeeding consultants in the country to help me out. There were also the mommies from The Parenting Emporium helping me out, and then slowly, one small step at a time, it became better. 

When we were sent home from the hospital I could hardly believe it. I felt like at any moment, they were going to tell us ‘come back, there’s something wrong’. It’s that weird thing that happens to your brain when something tragic happens, so we were always in fear.

SP: What made you decide to get yourself a doula?

Delamar: From the time I had given birth to Ava and Cooper, there had been so many changes already in the pregnancy world. I had heard Irina talk in one of the Smart Parenting events that I hosted and I remember I said ‘Wow, this is certainly a new way of looking at womanhood and pregnancy and giving birth, and I can’t believe that this woman is talking to me about one of the scariest things a woman has to go through not out of fear. She’s telling me that it’s the most euphoric, orgasmic moment of her life. She was speaking from a place of empowerment, and I wanted in. I wanted to not be afraid, I wanted to be empowered. People don’t want to be fearful; they want to enjoy their pregnancy. 

I knew that I needed someone to help me in the course of my birth plan, to be there for me. I knew that a doula will not just take care of me but take care of the baby also. But, there was a bit of resistance. One of my closest friends said to me, ‘Why are you doing that? Haven’t you learned?’, and it was so hard, but I knew the reason she said that is because she’s afraid for me’. It’s not because she’s questioning me or telling me you’re a stupid girl; she’s afraid that I will enter into that same thing [with Ava] and she doesn’t want me to take a chance. But I knew that the doula was really for me and I’m so glad that I made that decision.

IMAGE Lai de Guzman

SP: Let’s talk about Parker. The first time that you saw him and heard him cry, what were your thoughts?

Delamar: I don’t know if other mothers go through it too, but this was how it was for me. The first child, when he is born, lays it out for you -- you’re so in love and you’re ‘Whoa, I gave birth to another human being’! Then the second one comes along and the wonderment is still there, but it’s different, and then you realize that although this is unique, it is the same. When you’re a new mother, everything is so new and you’re so happy, and then on the second one it’s ‘I’m happy but now I know what I’m headed for’. I just know I wanted to hold him and it was such an honor to hold my baby without nurses [standing by]. 

SP: How was your recovery? How long did it take you to be back in shape?

Delamar: The recovery was a lot easier in a sense that I had my baby and now I had more support, I knew more about breastfeeding, and I knew that when I didn’t know, that I could call on people. 

My anaesthesiologist was the bomb! I really love him. I remember I braced myself [for pain] because I knew CS will be hard when you wake up. I was counting six hours, I should be able to lie on my right side; 12 hours, 90 degrees; 18 hours, I should be able to dangle my feet by the side of the bed; and in 24 hours, I should be able to stand up. Nung nag-six hours na, Hey it’s not painful at all! I tried the other side, there’s no pain, either. I do the 90-degree angle, and there’s no pain! What’s going on? Did I get stronger? Am I better? Iba yung stamina ng anaesthesia. My new doctor did something and it saved me the pain, and I was like ‘Why didn’t I get this the first time?’ 

SP: Was it part of your birth plan? Was it something you requested? 

Delamar: No, that part I didn’t know. My birth plan only covered the actual birth, I didn’t know the ‘after’. Feeling ko style talaga siya ng doctor, gusto ko nga siyang bisitahin to thank him. 

SP: Are you planning to have another baby again in the near future?

Delamar: I don’t know if I can live through that again, honestly. When I pass through the baby section, I see all these beautiful girl clothes and I want another one and I always tell myself ‘E kasi, why did you start so late? Kasalanan mo yan. Actually, si Tyler may kasalanan, di siya dumating agad ’. In my head I do want another baby, but if you were to ask me do I wanna live through the fear? No, no.

So, practicality-wise, I don’t want. For my fear, my sanity, the kids. But if I can be assured, if it’s there, I want a baby girl, I would love to have a baby girl. 

SP: As a mom and as a woman, what would you tell anyone who has gone through something traumatic, and is thinking of having another baby but is having second thoughts?

Delamar: That you cannot live in fear, because fear would bully you into a place of paralysis and it will never go away. The only way to beat the bully that is fear, is to keep trying, and to find that strength, though I don’t know how.

Career-wise, I’m coming through a crossroad in my life [leaving the radio program The Morning Rush], and I haven’t had this much fear and uncertainty in such a long time. What will I do? How will I keep myself financially secure? I want to be something relevant, but what is it? Where is it taking you? Is there a place for you out there still? I have so many fears and I hadn’t been sleeping for so many nights, keeping myself awake, and I realized that this is the same fear I had with Ava; this is the same fear I had with Parker and I realized I just don’t want to be bullied by fear. I wanna go with the worst thing you could do to me and then I wanna look at it in the eye and fight it. 

IMAGE Lai de Guzman

SP: On the matter of you and Tyler tying the knot, what do we tell our readers?

Delamar: That we’re already married! We tied the knot last year in Las Vegas.

Here [in Manila], it will happen next year. Naudlot talaga eh, I even talked to a wedding coordinator already but we never pushed through with it. I actually can’t wait because I feel like we didn’t do [things] the right way. 

When we got married in the States, it was at the Elvis Chapel. Elvis came out and I knew it’s not Elvis, but it’s Elvis! He was like 6 foot 3 and in full Elvis garb, and he was singing and he was walking me down the aisle. Then we did the vows, Tyler was first and when he was done, I was crying. It’s so serious and not serious at the same time, and everyone else was crying and laughing with us. When it was my turn to say my vows, Tyler looked at me and he was teasing me that I won’t finish my vows without breaking down. He was mouthing to me, ‘You’re not gonna make it, you’re not gonna make it’. It’s crazy! I wonder how it would be in the actual church wedding.

I feel like when you get married, it’s the one time society allows you to tell them how you feel about each other, that you can really tell people ‘This is how much I love him’. It’s a public announcement of your love. I want to be able to tell Tyler, in front of the people who care about him the most, that I love him. And I can’t wait.

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