“My husband and I haven’t had sex in a really long time. We had no sex while I was pregnant and now we co-sleep with our two boys who are 8 and 1 year old. That’s almost two years with no sex.”
Rare or common? We wanted to find out if what we heard was true: gorgeous and amazing women who all profess to be in love with their husbands. The catch, of course, was the lack of sex.
So SmartParenting.com.ph decided to do an anonymous and informal online survey among 35 Filipina women. Their profiles: college-educated, mix of SAHM (stay-at-home) and working moms, and they had one to three children ages 0-14 years old.
We asked how often they were having sex, what's stopping them from doing the deed, and what they really wanted from married sex. The # 1 (and not so surprising) finding – moms want more of sex! But they shared other secret struggles — and desires! — too. Which ones do you agree with?
1. You still have sex – but it’s rushed. Four out of 10 moms still get to sneak in some “Wheee!” time twice a week, but it’s not as fun as it used to be. When you’ve got a baby who can wake up at any moment, you cut short on the foreplay and spooning. You have to do it quickly, quietly and discreetly. Forget experimenting with new and complicated sex positions — just like a fast food lunch, you quickly get “Happy Meal Combo # 1” before jumping back into your clothes and the rest of your day.
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2. You’re scared of getting pregnant again. “We now have the scary possibility of MORE kids looming over our heads as we have sex,” laughed one mom, adding that she and her husband have started using condoms. Other moms prefer the natural method, and schedule sex at a safe time in their cycle (more on scheduling in # 4 and #5).
Another fear: infections. During pregnancy and in the weeks after, you’re more prone to getting UTI. Some birth control has also been associated with more yeast infections. You just can’t win!
3. You’re too tired to have sex. “Honey, I want you — but I want sleep more.” Who can blame you? Whether you’re a full time SAHM or a working mom, your brain and energy’s divided between responsibilities and the constant and insistent demands of your child. “We would have it a lot more often (like four to five times a week) if we had the time and energy for it!” says one mom with two toddlers.
Exhaustion and stress can also lead to lower sex drive — and for guys, lower testosterone levels. You may have sex, but feel like you’re not emotionally into it. “There’s less depth (haha!) and enjoyment,” one admitted.
4. Co-sleeping makes sex more complicated. Seventy-one percent of survey respondents said that kids share their bedroom, and another 17.1% said the kids sometimes sleep with them. In some cases, moms have to stay in their kids’ bedrooms. “My younger child still wakes up a couple of times during the night so most of the time, I sleep beside him in his bed. I just transfer to our bedroom in the wee hours of the morning.”
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So sex is rushed, meticulously planned, or kind of awkward. “Our baby [usually sleeps] between us,” says one mom. It’s difficult to get into the groove when you know that he could start crying any minute — or worse, wake up and just watch. But one mom’s found a pretty good solution: morning sex! “We usually do it in the morning because by the time the kids are asleep at night, the husband is already too sleepy, too.
5. You’re this close to putting sex in an Excel chart. It seems that the moment you have kids, everything has to be organized: meal plans, budgets, and even Sexy Time. Many moms go out of their way to schedule couple dates and family vacations because it’s the only time when they can get into any kind of romantic mood.
One mom describes her sex life this way: “In the house, none, because there are many people living under our roof. So we try to schedule couple-time a few times a year, out-of-town or out of the country, usually in a resort or hotel.”
But we all know how little time (and money!) we have. “Sex is now a luxury that we can’t afford to do more often,” says one survey respondent. And when you have so many things to pay for – diapers, vaccines, enrichment classes and tutors, or even mortgage payments – a second honeymoon feels like a guilty and unattainable pleasure.
“Our priorities have changed,” says one mom. So you plan couple time, just like everything else, but it’s never as urgent as everything else on your list.
6. But when married sex is good, it’s really good. Some moms have found a way to spice up their sex life – and all the challenges just make it so much hotter. “Sex is more creative because we have to do it while the kids are asleep so we do it in all places in the house!” says one very happy wife. They know it’s a struggle, but they say it should be a priority. “Just remind yourself that it’s part of who you are as a couple,” one mom said.
Quite a few have admitted to sneaking in some action outside of the bedroom: kitchen, living room, closet, car, store room, balcony, and even the backyard! But the space that got the most action was the bathroom, according to the survey. These moms said you defiinitely become more creative — and it makes the sex hotter!
7. If you’re not in the mood, put yourself in the mood. Their tips include going on regular dates, putting on adult movies or opening a bottle of alcohol, and not being shy about getting a little “help” in the bedroom with lube or toys. “Be vocal about what gives you pleasure and what does not,” says one survey respondent. After all you’ve been through together, shouldn’t you be way past the point of being shy?