How To Deal with Monster Moms

She won’t stop bragging about how young her son was when he first rode his bike without training wheels, and teases you about how your son won’t even get on his. She leaves her daughter in your house for playdates without telling you that the poor lass has a bad case of the sniffles. Or worse, she’s holier-than-thou, preaching the good word of hygiene and cleanliness, calling forth lightning from the heavens to strike those who won’t listen.

There are tons of monster moms out there! And when faced with one who’s strange, overbearing, or just really annoying, what do you do?

Before you have a showdown with the mommy from hell, read our expert's advice on how to deal.


The Competitive Mom

The Profile: She compares her tot’s every achievement to yours. Mention how your son is in the honor roll, and she’ll proclaim that hers is in the top spot. She’s prepared to run a marathon of milestones  and racing with her will just leave you in the dust.

A True Story: Jennevie Lo Shih, mom to Dustin Geof, 6 months, from Manila, once tried to beat a competitive mom. “While our kids were playing, I got so annoyed with this mom. She kept bragging about how smart her kid is, how her baby can do this and that at an earlier stage than my son. I started to think, ‘Why can’t my son do this trick until now? Is he a late bloomer?” So I started teaching my son different tricks.’”

The Real Deal: The competitive mom isn’t necessarily out to put you and your child down. Sharon Co, psychologist at PsychConsult Inc. in Quezon City, explains, ìOne possibility is that she was unable to accomplish her own dreams when she was young, so she wants to live out that dream through her child.”

Believe it or not, the competitive mom is just worried about her ability as a parent. “Some parents feel that their kid’s performance is a reflection of their own parenting. If their tot is doing well, then they feel like they’re being good parents,” Co explains.

And the child is already anxious, stressed, and pressured, ask yourself, ëIs this for my own needs or for the needs of my child? Confronting a competitive mom can be tricky, so subtlety is the key. Co suggests asking her, “I wonder how your child feels?” She may not be entirely aware that her kid is feeling stressed and you might just be able to provide an eye-opener.

An exchange of ideas can begin from here. Slowly, you can help point out the consequences of her actions on her child, but make sure never to put blame on her.

 

Click here to learn how to deal with the know-it-all mom.

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Read on to learn how to deal with the know-it-all mom.

 

The Know-it-all Mom
 

The Profile: She graces each PTA meeting in the most stylish apparel. She has the best baon recipes and keeps a spick-and-span home, too. And guess what? She has the most obedient children.

She realized she was turning into a competitive mom herself. “Why should I be affected by competition? It drains the joy from parenting. I’d rather spend my time appreciating and enjoying the uniqueness of my baby rather than comparing him with the others.”

Mothers would always want their child to excel, says Karina Fernandez, psychologist and assistant professor at the Psychology Department of the Ateneo de Manila University in Quezon City. “But if it has already reached a point where you’re just pulling a child along talking guide to best parenting, and if you do not heed her word, watch poison shoot from the eyes on her pretty little face.

A True Story: While dining at a favorite restaurant, Beth Adams, mom to Joey, 1, from Iloilo City, encountered a know-it-all mom who was quick to critique. “We were having lunch and my child was getting antsy, so I let him explore the restaurant, where we are regular customers. When our food arrived, the senior waiter offered to hold our son so we could eat. Then I overheard this mom from the other table say, ‘You have dirty hands!’ to my child.”

The Real Deal: “There are certain moms who have the desire to help other parents be better. But there is that possibility that know-it-all parents put down other parents to sort of emphasize how good they are.

“This arrogance could be stemming from a sense of insecurity by not knowing it all, but projecting to others that they’re the best and that they do know everything,” explains Co.

Your Response: “My child likes to crawl around, and his hands will get dirty. But I know heís at the stage where he needs to explore his environment.

“I’m non-confrontational so I just gave the mom a look,” says Adams. “It depends on the person’s tolerance. There’s no right amount of advice or criticism before you tell a parent off,î Co advises. But the next time you meet a know-it-all mom who has crossed the line, “Verbalize what you want the other parent to know, and say, ëYou know, we have different parenting styles. “I’ll do my own thing and you do your own. Let’s respect each other that way,” she says.

 

Click here to learn how to deal with the kunsintidora mom.

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Read on to learn how to deal with the kunsintidora mom.

 

The Kunsintidora Mom

The Profile: You drop off your kid at her friendís house for a playdate. When you enter, you see children running all over the house. The living room is a mess, the TV is blaring, and there’s an eat-all-you-can potato chip buffet on the table.

You clamp your mouth shut when she comes out to greet you. The kunsintidora mom does not bat a t an eyelash at the scene, and your eyes widen in disbelief.

A True Story: Sharon Quinn, mom to Nyles and Simon from Quezon City, knows that when it comes to dealing with a kunsintidora mom, the best approach is one of empathy. ìI just made a remark that it’s hard to be a parent. Kasi we are responsible for disciplining our kids so they’ll be good people when they grow up,” she shares.

The Real Deal: Being a permissive mom has negative repercussions on the child, says Fernandez. “The child is usually willful, has little self-control, and is insensitive to the needs of others.” Tantrums, yelling, and rough play are some of the ways a child can act out.

You probably don’t like it when your child hangs out with a kid whose mom is like that, but truth is, the kunsintidora mom is just as concerned about her child as you are about yoursóshe just has difficulty expressing it. “For her, it’s more important for her child to like her rather than to be the authoritative figure. She doesn’t want to be the bad cop in the family,” Co explains.

And just like any mom, the kunsintidora mom gets tired, too. “It takes a lot of effort to discipline a child. If sheís stressed or working too hard, this takes away energy from the momóthe energy she needs to discipline a child. Kaya minsan, ewan or whatever na lang,” Co says. It’s the easy way out of a tantrum-ready situation, but this quick • x can have long-term effects.

Your Response: Sharon Quinnís approach to dealing with a kunsintidora mom is ideal. “It’s more diplomatic than confrontational,” Quinn adds. Donít criticize her; lay out the facts on the table, Fernandez says. Once you talk to her, you’ll learn her struggles as a parent. Rather than telling her what to do, show your concern by saying, “I wonder what we can do to solve this problem,” says Co. Encourage her to have some time for herself, so she can recharge for her Mommy duties.

 

Click here to learn how to deal with the stage mom.

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Read on to learn how to deal with the stage mom.

 

The Stage Mom

The Profile: In her lies a drama queen who just loves to be the star of the show no matter what! Similar to the competitive mom, the stage mom wants her child to be at the center of everything, whether itís the lead in a TV commercial or in a school activity. But she’ll make sure to bag an important role, too. Is your child’s preschool putting on a play?

Then watch as the stage mom puts on a grand performance, she’s the head of the entire production, and she is determined to be part of every committee as well.

A True Story: Jasmin Fernando, mom to Anya Veronica, 7, from Quezon City, says she doesnít mind having a stage mom in charge of the school activities. “I’m very busy juggling my work with my family time. She could take charge with what the school requiresójust as long as my child is not hurt or offended in any way.”

But when a stage mom goes over the top, Levie Ang, mom to Patrick, from Ozamiz City, says you should intervene. “All parents are very proud when their kids get into commercials, and itís all right to tell the world about it. But if the child doesn’t enjoy auditions, then we must respect his decision. Kids will feel sad when they aren’t chosen, the rejection can traumatize them when they grow up.”

The Real Deal: Co agrees with our two moms: “It doesn’t have to be negative. There are some stage parents who know their boundaries and there are children who love to be encouraged to perform. But when these ërents become overbearing, then that’s where the problem comes in.” The stage mom wants the best for her child, which is why she pushes. But she must remember that the desire to perform must come from the child. “The more a mother externally motivates, the less the child is internally motivated.
The child can quickly burn out because there is no enjoyment. It’s all work,” Fernandez says.

Your Response: Just like with the competitive mom, allow the stage mom to see that her behavior can cause negative effects on her child. “I’d ask her if her child enjoys what he’s doing, and Iíll let her know that our children will do better if they enjoy what theyíre doing. Kasi if the interest is there, the less pressure there is,” Quinn shares.

The way you speak with her is important, too. “You don’t say, ‘Do what Iím doing.’ Kasi ang dating noon ay parang, ‘Iím better than you,’” Co advises.

 

Click here to learn how to deal with the overprotective mom.

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Read on to learn how to deal with the overprotective mom.

 

The Overprotective Mom

The Profile: Playing with dirt is a no-no. Summer days instantly translate to sunburn. And going over to a friendís house to play?

She might as well place a gas mask over her kidís face with matching body suit before she sends him off to play. She treats a case of sniffles like the SARS outbreak and if you don’t do the same, an almost manic panic ensues.

A True Story: Levie Ang admits she has the tendency to be overprotective. “I don’t let my son play with his cousins if they have cough and colds. I’m afraid he will catch it, too! But when they aren’t “sick,” I let them visit. I think I am this way because I have only one child.” Some moms would prefer not to deal with the overprotective mom. “I don’t really like paranoid and unreasonable people, so I’d rather avoid her and discourage my daughter from playing with her child,” shares Fernando.

The Real Deal: The truth is, overprotective moms have good intentions for their children. It just so happens that these parents feel a great deal of anxiety out of the need to protect their kids. “Anxious parents are anxious over anything and everythingóthe cleanliness of the house, about their spouses. It spills over how they treat their children. If you have anxious parents, then there’s a tendency to be anxious as a mom as well because, of course, you copy your role models. Stress can also make one anxious,” Co says.

The overprotective mom tends to be clingy because she doesn’t want to expose her child to potentially bad situations. She tends to forget that ‘a child grows from a variety of experiences; theyíre like sponges and they simply get a better idea of the world when they explore and communicate with others,’ Fernandez says.

Your Response: Overprotective moms need to be reassured that they’re doing okay as parents, and that their children are fine as well.

“Acknowledge first where the parent is,” Fernandez suggests. “Empathize with their desire to be great parents, with their desire to have happy, exemplary children. “If youíre watching after an overprotective mom’s kid, assure her that her child will be supervised at all times. “And when her child is starting to become anxious, you can point that out. “You know, I noticed, when the kids were playing, she had a lot of fears. I wonder why. What can we do?” Co suggests


Photo from sxc.hu


SOURCES:
? Karina Fernandez, Ph.D., assistant professor, Psychology Department, Ateneo de Manila University, Quezon City
? Sharon Co, psycholgist, PsychConsult, Inc., Unit 227 Regalia Park Towers, 150 P. Tuazon Ave., Cubao, Quezon City; (02) 421-2469