'Anything Hidden Is Forbidden': Helpful Ways To Build Security In MarriageHusband and wife and relationship coaches Dreus and Love Cosio share how to build healthy boundaries within a marriage.by Dreus and Love Cosio . Published Feb 14, 2022
We all need to feel secure in life. The locked doors, monthly insurances, security cameras, and even the security guards in our condominiums or subdivisions show how we chase after that feeling of safety. The same security is also needed in our marriage. We want to feel loved, assured and respected.
But when is this security an act of commitment, and whe is it an issue of control?
Issues like phone privacy, sharing of passwords, being friends with an ex, or being close to a member of the opposite sex are all constroversial topics for couples.
Over the years, we realized that marriage is not a fairytale where happiness is solely dependent on the spouse alone. It is about two happy individuals sharing genuine joy despite imperfections and hurt—hurts that sometimes evolve to wounds and longingness to be affirmed, accepted or loved.
But starting today, we invite you to make that decision not to fight with each other but to fight for each other using these three helpful ways to build security in your marriage.
3 helpful ways to build security in marriage
1. Run away from temptations
The reality is that temptation will always be beautiful and pleasurable. In one of our TikTok videos, we mentioned that we do not win over temptation by resisting it but by running away from it. Kumbaga, ang tukso, nilalayuan hindi nilalabanan.
Why? Because infidelity starts in the mind. The moment you feel the urge to entertain the temptation, it will creep fast and it might be too late before you realize its damage.
Some people have good friendships with their exes. Some are also (way too) comfortable being singled-out with the opposite sex aside from their spouse. But as a general guide, we ask husbands and wives to listen to what their marriage is telling them:
Is there a possible temptation? Can there be a threat to your married life? Are both of you comfortable and okay with this? Are both spouses enjoying the freedom of expressing what he or she wants?ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
When a couple gets married, dynamics change from what was when they were single. The beauty of ONE FLESH makes us prioritize our spouse next to God, thus being intentonal at make marriage work.
I (Love) remember when an ex-flame invited Dreus for a “friendly date”. He could have chosen to keep it from me but he decided to share it.CONTINUE READING BELOWwatch now
In our book, “Love Connect” The Couple’s Language to a Happy Marriage”, we wrote there that anything hidden becomes forbiden. That’s why I (Dreus) exposed to Love [the invitation] right away before it affected our relationship.
One secret can lead to another and before you know it, secrets will become lies that destroy trust and intimacy in a marriage.ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
Our healthy boundaries tip: Use the eyes and heart of your spouse when dealing with other people. Ask yourself, “Will my spouse be happy or hurt if he or she sees me doing this?”
2. Remember your vows
We always say it takes one day to get married but it takes daily commitment to stay married. Remember why you married your spouse, why you pursued him or her, how you used to see the good and the bad but chose to stay in your relationship.
Kung dati binakuran mo kayong dalawa, lalo mong patibayin ang bakod ngayong mag-asawa na kayo.
Issues of having an ex, or being close to a friend from the opposite sex, or even spending too much time with the barkada or the in-laws sometimes get in the way of a healthy marriage. The attack may seem to come from a person outside of you and your partner, but the truth is that it’s always about you as a couple. Marriage is a calling to love with our all. It means bringing each other to Christ and working towards a 'heaven on earth' experience through love, forgiveness, and grace amidst challenges.ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
If it hurts one, remember it hurts you both.
After I (Love) gave birth to our second child, Dreus made sure to support me to the point of sacrificing business and ministry appointments. Slowly, we got the flow of our new family setup right. So when he asked me if he could go out with friends, I said yes even if that meant I would stay home alone with our kids. Why? Because I respect his space.ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
I also trust his leadership. What I appreciated about him was, the following day, he invited me and our kids for a family day and I felt loved and assured of his commitment to prioritize us.
Our healthy boundaries tip: Your priority is always your spouse but be careful not to control. Respect your spouse when he or she needs time to be with relatives or friends. Discern if the inner circle or company you keep is a threat or not in your marriage. Try to answer the question, "Do the things I do express genuine love towards my spouse?”
3. Find real joy in sacrifice
Both of us, (Dreus and Love) have a lot of weaknesses to improve on but we never forget to celebrate our victories as a couple. That’s why we believe it is important to constantly communicate your met and unmet needs as a couple.
The word sacrifice is something we want to avoid in marriage becuae it does not sound pleasurable. But real sacrifice is pleasurable for married couples despite of the challenge it brings. Remeber, you sacrificed time and effort to court your dear one in the beginning of your relationship. Spending money to buy gifts or cooking something for him or her is also forms of sacrifice. It may seem simple, but these are already glimpses of the kind of sacrifice that can be enjoyed in a marriage.ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
On passwords: we have always been open to each other’s passwords. Honestly, with all the accounts we have to memorize, we really need to be the other's password safekeeper.
Here's a funny story: around the time I (Dreus) decided to propose to Love, we were on our way to the wake of a relative when my phone beeped and I asked her to read the message because I was driving. To her surprise, she found herself reading the message: “Bro, your engagement ring for Love is now ready for pickup.” Oh life!
Our healthy boundaries tip: We do not force trust onto each other, but it came naturally because we are that comfortable with each other. You can check your trust meter: do you give that trust and do you do things that build trust? Remember, trust is the bedrock of relationships.
We all want a happy and healthy marriage. This will be achieved every time we decide to make our marriage work, every time we protect the best interest of each, and every time we prioritize our marriage and family life before other people.ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
Bahay muna bago kapitbahay. Huwag ninyong hayaang masira ng pakikisama sa ibang tao ang magandang pagsasama ng buhay mag-asawa ninyo.
There is no one-size-fits-all solution to a healthy marriage but we encourage you to invest your time and effort to talk about everything and anything that concerns each other. Be the best of friends and strive to have the atmosphere of a safe space.
Setting healthy boundaries are meant to make both husband and wife happy and healthy.
Lastly, rest in God. We do not just go to God when our marriage needs saving. The Author of love should be the center of our married life, through better or worse. Invite Him to your lives. Invite Him to reside in your home.ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
Follow and connect with us through our social media accounts:
Podcast: “Love Connect Podcast with The Co-Show” (Spotify/Apple)
Click here to buy copies of our book entitled “Love Connect: The COuple’s Language to a Happy Marriage”
Dreus and Love Cosio have been married for eight years and are blessed with two children. They are also part of the Smart Parenting Mom and Dad Squads, which are groups of key opinion leaders and influencers.
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