My Daughter's Reply to 'Pangit Ka!' Taught Me to Trust Her

The first day of school is a day of mixed emotions: overwhelming yet emotional for parents, and exciting yet terrifying for kids. One of the parents’ biggest worries today is bullying. “What will happen if my child gets bullied?” “How will he/she react?”

On the very first day of school, Iyah Cabato, 33, mom of one, experienced this with her seven-year-old daughter, Phia, who was starting the first day of second grade.

In a Facebook post, she wrote, “My daughter said one of her classmates told her, ‘Pangit ka.’ Today. On the first day of school.”

Iyah, a copywriter, and her husband, Matt, a training officer, were surprised, but they held on to their reactions until she finished recounting.

RELATED READ: How to Report Bullying: A Parent's Step-by-Step Guide

“Why would a child say that to someone she just met?” Iyah asked herself when her daughter told them the story.

She continued, “This is one of my fears. That my child would be bullied, and I am not sure if she could fend for herself. Or worse, if she might end up hurting someone else.”

Despite all Iyah and Matt were thinking, they chose not to be reactive and asked their daughter, “Ano’ng sinabi mo nung tinawag kang pangit?”

Their daughter’s response shocked them. She said to her parents, “Hindi ako pangit. Maganda ako.”

Iyah and her husband were surprised and proud of how she handled the situation. While they were worried about her getting bullied, there she was, completely able to stand up for herself.

Phia, who was diagnosed with a speech delay in her early years, was encouraged to have more opportunities for social experiences. The Cabatos spent years exposing her to social experiences and teaching her values, which had already paid off.

Iyah shared her reaction, “My heart fluttered. Not because she knows she’s not ugly, but because she knows her divine nature. She chose not to cry. She did not choose violence.”

She explained further why her daughter’s response mattered: “Her response was proactive. She did not retaliate or respond negatively. Instead, she reaffirmed who she knows she is.”

Even as adults, when someone tells us, “Pangit ka,” our basic instinct is to retaliate. But Phia’s story reminds us that how we view ourselves is more important than how others see us.

Iyah realized after hearing the story, “I was reminded of my first mantra when I became a mom: trust them. Teach them what you can at home, and let them experience the world. They will be okay.”

“I felt comforted to know that Phia responded well to her first bully. I am grateful to be reminded that she will be okay. She will learn her lessons, and we will be there to guide her,” Iyah added. What started as a negative experience became a learning experience for the whole family.

Smart Parenting reached out to Iyah and asked her about their experience. She honestly admitted that her first reaction was to retaliate, “Masakit bilang parent, kasi you’re trying to teach your child to be tolerant and kind as much as possible. Gusto ko sana hanapin agad 'yung bata na yun.”

But she learned to wait, held on to her reactions, and just trusted her daughter. “Kaya nagulat rin ako na ganun isinagot nya. She could have said meaner words, but she didn't. Remember lang ako to again, trust my daughter. She's got this.”

She added, “Kasi hindi naman natin sila mapoprotektahan sa lahat ng pagkakataon, lalo na mula sa mundo. And we shouldn't protect them all the time. What we should do is to be their source of truth and strength, especially when they need it. To be their go-to person to filter out things they will learn from the world.”

“At importante rin na alam nila na nagtitiwala tayo sa kanila. Yun ang magiging fuel nila to be resilient as the situation requires. I am humbled to be reminded that I should trust my kid,” said Iyah.

On the second day of school, Iyah dropped off Phia at school. “Itinuro niya sa amin 'yung classmate niya na nagsabi sa kanya ng 'pangit'. Napansin ko na nakasubsob yung bata, parang tulog o itinatago ang iyak. I hope she feels love the way she wants," Iyah said. "I think she's just hurt. Misery loves company, kaya tinatry niyang mag-cause ng misery sa iba. I'm praying for her classmate.”

This child responded positively when online bashers commented on being ‘morena.’