How Not To Raise A Quitter: A Guide on Frustration Tolerance

If I could add an emotion to Inside Out, it would be Frustration.

It would be Sadness and Anger's best friend when Riley can't score during a hockey game. On point, right?

But seriously, frustration is an emotion we all know too well, including kids.

It is an all-time present emotion in our lives, and learning to cope with it is a crucial skill that benefits children well into adulthood. Whether it's a two-year-old struggling to connect two Legos, a six-year-old who can’t convince his parents to have chocolates for dinner, a 10-year-old aiming for first place in an art contest, or a teenager who is banned from wearing eyeliner in school, each of these scenarios presents an opportunity to build frustration tolerance.

But why does frustration tolerance matter so much, what signs indicate a low threshold in your child, and how can parents help build this essential life skill?

Why Frustration Tolerance Matters

The answer is simple: We don’t always get what we want, no matter how bad we want it.

Things won’t always work out the way we hope and planned for, and the odds won’t always be in our favor.

These facts of life make frustration tolerance essential. It helps us overcome setbacks, obstacles, and strong emotions without becoming overwhelmed.

High frustration tolerance is closely linked to emotional resilience, problem-solving skills, and overall psychological well-being (Morin, Verywell Mind).

Children with high frustration tolerance persist longer on difficult tasks, turning obstacles into valuable learning experiences. This resilience becomes their booster into better academic performance, stronger social relationships, and in turn a well-rounded successful life.

Signs of Low Frustration Tolerance in Kids and When to Worry

Being able to identify signs of low frustration tolerance in your kids is important so you could help them develop healthy coping mechanisms and ultimately, higher frustration tolerance. 

Here are some key red flags that may indicate that your child is struggling with low frustration tolerance:

Immediate Meltdowns

Observe how your child reacts to minor inconveniences. Do they get overly emotional over the simplest moments, like not being able to find their favorite toy or shirt when they have been only looking for a hot minute? Immediate, almost incessant meltdowns are a common sign of low frustration tolerance.

Exaggerated reactions to discomfort

If your child frequently exaggerates mild discomforts or insists that they "can't stand" certain situations, it’s another sign.

You might hear phrases like, "Kanina pa ako gutom na gutom," or "This math problem takes forever!" A 5-year-old might claim “Sobrang nakakapagod naman 'to!" during a short trip to the grocery store, while an 8-year-old might say, "I can't do this, it’s too hard," at the first sign of difficulty with a school assignment. 

Avoidance or Procrastination in the Face of Challenging Tasks and Negative Self-Talk

These two often go hand in hand. Children who avoid challenging activities often undermine their skills and verbalize it. A seve-year-old might stick to coloring within the lines rather than trying a new, more difficult art project, saying “I can’t do that.” An 11-year-old might avoid participating in team sports because they fear failure or making mistakes, saying, “Ayokong maging patalo.”

If they consistently prefer easier tasks, tasks that they are used to and shy away from academic, physical or social challenges, they're likely avoiding the discomfort that comes with failure or difficulty.

Seeking Instant Gratification

A relentless yearning for immediate rewards or a refusal to wait for something better without regard of consequence in the long term is another sign. You might think of the Stanford marshmallow experiment for example.

When a three-year-old might throw a tantrum for a snack right before dinner, or a 12-year-old might insist on playing video games as soon as they get off school instead of doing homework. These behaviors show a preference for instant gratification over delayed rewards, which is indicative of low frustration tolerance.

When to worry? If these signs are persistent and significantly affecting your child's daily life, it may be time to consult a mental health professional. Poor frustration tolerance can sometimes be associated with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, or ADHD, and early intervention can make a significant difference.

What Parents Should Avoid to Prevent Low Frustration Tolerance in Kids

There may be some habits that parents do, although well-intentioned, that can contribute to a child's low frustration tolerance. Here's what you need to watch out for:

1. Don't: Over-Protection

While it’s natural to want to protect your child from discomfort, over-protecting them can prevent them from learning how to cope with frustration. Allow your child to experience setbacks and find ways to overcome them on their own.

Instead do this: Create safe frustration triggers

“Repeated, safe exposure to frustration triggers is the best way to build tolerance to frustration,” says Alyssa Bowman, a mental health counselor with Banner Health.

Instead of brushing off their emotions, like telling them, “Wala naman dapat ikaiyak!,” validate them and affirm that feeling frustration is normal and something they can overcome.

Sometimes, as adults, we are quick to dismiss their experiences, not taking into account that what might seem small to us is a big deal in their context.

When your child is frustrated, acknowledge what makes the situation frustrating: “I know you really want to wear that shirt you wore yesterday; it’s a great shirt.” Then introduce logic: “But we haven’t washed it yet and you might feel itchy wearing it dirty.” This way, you encourage your child to think beyond the problem they are facing.

2. Immediately solving problems for them

Jumping in to resolve every issue for your child might seem helpful but can hold them back from their learning process.

Instead do this: Teach problem-solving skills

Instead of giving in every time they struggle, guide them through the process and allow them the space to figure it out. Help your child learn to identify problems, brainstorm solutions, and evaluate the outcomes. This can be as simple as breaking tasks into smaller, more manageable steps or bringing up options they could consider. It will also help to remind them that it's okay to take breaks or seek help when needed.

3. Inconsistent discipline and setting unrealistic expectations

Inconsistency in discipline can confuse children, making it difficult for them to understand the consequences of their actions. If you sometimes let them get away with things and other times don’t, it creates uncertainty and fosters a sense of unfairness, which can ultimately amplify frustration.

The same goes for setting high or unrealistic expectations of a child, which will lead to excessive frustration when they inevitably fall short. Winning or placing at the top becomes their primary focus, and they forget to see the journey as more important than the result.

Instead do this: Promote a Growth Mindset

Tailor your expectations to your child’s developmental stage and individual abilities. More importantly, view your child as a human being bound to make mistakes. They are not learning machines or artificial intelligence that would instantly get everything you are trying to teach them.

Set them up for success rooted in their desire to develop themselves, not just to be at the top. This way, when they feel they lack skills or fall short for a task, they know they can improve instead of feeling defeated immediately.

RELATED: A Key to Resilience: Teach Your Child to Think 'I Can Do Better'

Modeling Poor Frustration Tolerance

Children learn by observing their parents. If you exhibit poor frustration tolerance—such as getting visibly upset over minor inconveniences—they are likely to mimic your behavior. Model healthy coping strategies and show your child how to handle frustration constructively.

Even this process of building high frustration tolerance can be frustrating in itself. It won't be easy, with all the impatience and illogical requests our kids bring about. Our attempts to teach them to ride the waves of frustration will not sail smoothly, and not all the strategies mentioned above will work flawlessly immediately.

But nothing in parenting is easy. How you react to their frustrations is probably the best way to show them firsthand how to model good frustration tolerance.

Instead do this: Remember, the goal isn't to push aside frustration out of their system. It's actually the opposite of that. We want them to know that it exists, and then teach them how to handle it properly. With time, patience, and the right strategies, you can help your child to keep calm and carry on.

SOURCES:

• Stephanie Thurrott. September 01, 2023. "How to Help Your Child Learn Healthy Ways to Tolerate Frustration". Banner Health
• Amy Morin, LCSM. December 08, 2022. "How to Deal With Low Frustration Tolerance". Verywell Mind