Stop Small Fights With Kids Using This Surprising Strategy

As parents of two kids for almost 11 years, my husband and I both know how some days can be more challenging than others. How one moment everyone’s laughing and the next, someone crying their heads off. It’s almost like navigating a minefield, and we also have to guess the triggers. One day it can be whether to have toast or cereal for breakfast, the next day it can be choosing between wearing a dress or jeans–the smallest decisions and discussions can lead to full-blown tantrums and power struggles.

But what if there’s a simple way to manage such power struggles?

The “Do Nothing” Strategy

Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist, bestselling author, and parenting expert known as “Dr. Becky” has a tip for parents when it comes to these situations in one of her Instagram videos. In the video, Dr. Becky explained that parents should try to “do nothing” in these situations. One example she gave was when her daughter complained about waffles–a breakfast she usually loves. Instead of engaging with her–arguing or correcting her about it, Dr. Becky instead chose to remain nonchalant and disengage, avoiding escalation. Another instance she shared was when her son falsely accused her of forgetting to wash his sweatshirt–which he never asked in the first place. She validated his frustration without defending herself, saying simply, “You wish the sweatshirt was clean.”

Contrary to the name “do nothing,” Dr. Becky’s strategy still entails work for the parents. As she explained, “When I am doing ‘nothing’ on the outside–meaning, I’m not taking the bait from my kids–I am actually doing a lot on the inside: I’m breathing, talking to myself… I’m regulating myself on the inside, so I can ‘do nothing’ on the outside.” Simply put, the strategy puts emphasis on responding with empathy and composure rather than reacting impulsively.

You’ll appreciate Dr. Becky’s tip especially if you’ve had a few rough mornings because of these small power struggles. This approach led to what she described as the “smoothest morning” she’d had with her kids, and her recommendation is clear: “Highly recommend you try that.”

Why “Doing Nothing” Works

The “do nothing” strategy works because it defuses power struggles and shifts the dynamic from confrontation to understanding. As Dr. Becky explains, power struggles are invitations to a fight no one wins, and everyone gets stressed out. They can often stem from statements like, “You always forget,” or, “You never listen,” which can put both parents and children on the defensive.

Hence, instead of engaging by directly answering such statements with, “No, that’s not true,” parents can use the moment to model emotional regulation. A 2017 study found that children whose parents regularly modeled calm, regulated behavior were more likely to develop emotional resilience and coping skills.

When parents choose to “do nothing” outwardly, they’re not ignoring or dismissing the problem. Instead, they’re reframing it. By validating their child’s feelings–whether it’s through a neutral sigh, a nod, or saying “I believe you”–parents address the underlying emotions driving the behavior. This simple acknowledgment often diffuses the situation and helps children feel seen and heard.

What is Emotional Regulation

Dr. Becky’s advice also aligns with the broader concepts of emotional regulation and co-regulation. Emotional regulation refers to managing one’s own feelings and reactions in a constructive way. While co-regulation, on the other hand, refers to how parents and caregivers help children manage their emotions by modeling calmness and providing reassurance.

Studies have shown that parents’ behavior can strongly influence children’s emotional regulation skills. A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that parents who displayed high emotional intelligence and regulation fostered greater emotional stability in their children. This means that when parents remain calm even in the face of conflict, not only are they avoiding unnecessary stress but are also teaching their kids valuable life skills.

Practical Tips to “Do Nothing”

While it may sound simple, the “do nothing” strategy requires practice and a conscious effort to stay calm. Here are some practical tips to incorporate it into you mornings, and eventually, your parenting routine:

Pause before reacting

Always remember to take a deep breath when your child makes an unreasonable demand or accusation. This pause allows you to regulate your emotions and prevents any impulsive reactions.

Validate feelings without escalating

Always remember to acknowledge your child’s emotions instead of correcting or arguing. You can use phrases like”You wish things were different,” or “Gets ko na naiinis ka,” can show empathy without fueling their irritation.

Focus on connection over correction

In such situations, always remember that it’s better to connect instead of correcting what they might be saying. This could mean making eye contact, a reassuring nod, or a neutral response like, “I believe you.”

Go easy on yourself

Parenting is challenging, so it’s important to remember to practice self-compassion. It’s okay to feel frustrated or overwhelmed. Giving yourself grace can make it easier to stay composed.

Reframe power struggles

As Dr. Becky puts it, visualizing the power struggle as an “invitation to a party you don’t want to attend,” can help you disengage with humor and perspective.

Parenting is full of moments that test your patience and composure. The “do nothing” strategy offers a simple yet profound way to navigate these challenges with grace. By regulating your own emotions and responding with empathy, you can create a calmer, more harmonious home environment.

As Dr. Becky Kennedy reminds us, “Parenting is not about being perfect; it’s about being good inside.” So, the next time your child protests over breakfast or complains about their wardrobe, take a deep breath, smile, and give “doing nothing” a try. You might just find that less is more when it comes to parenting.

Read here for tips to avoid power struggles with your child.