Expert Says, Happiness Is Not The Goal; Parents Should Raise Kids To Be This Instead

It’s quite normal for parents to wish for happiness for their kids. “All I want is for my children to be happy in their lives,” is something we fervently pray for each night. And who can blame us? Surely, there’s nothing wrong in raising and hoping our kids grow up happy.

Dr. Siggie Cohen, a Child Development Specialist with over 35 years of experience working with children and families, disagrees and challenges this notion. In an Instagram post, Dr. Siggie discusses why aiming solely for a child’s happiness can be problematic and said that instead, parents should strive to raise well-rounded, functional children.

Why “happy is not the goal” in parenting

Dr. Siggie starts the video by directly stating, “I hear this from parents so often: I just want my kid to be happy.” She then points out the inherent danger in making happiness the central point of parenting, saying, “The danger in that statement is how it becomes a focal point of our parenting. When you think about it, not only is happy all the time not possible… It i also not appropriate. If something sad happens are we supposed to be happy? If something scary happens are we supposed to be happy?”

Simply put, Dr. Siggie points out that the constant state of happiness is unrealistic and it could also prove to be inappropriate as it does not accommodate the full spectrum of human emotions that children need to experience and understand in order to live a full, well-lived life.

What should parents aim for instead

Instead of happiness, Dr. Siggie advocates for a broader, more realistic goal: “You want to raise well-rounded children who can feel, express, and navigate all their emotions, while also being functional.

“That sounds like a lot, but it is the definition of being stable and grounded. In a way we all strive for that and are continuously working on it. So let’s set the goal to raising kids that can identify their feelings and express them appropriately and still have the mental muscles to navigate through challenges. This way they can feel their feelings and still manage through their tasks, daily and long term.”

She then expounds on the goal of “functional, stable, and grounded” kids in her caption, writing, “Functional is feeling upset, yet still able to move forward with the day’s tasks. Grounded is feeling disappointed, yet still capable of seeing another person’s point of view.”

Ultimately, she says that kids should have the right combination of “emotional awareness and pro action.”

How can parents raise emotionally intelligent and resilient children

Based on Dr. Siggie’s insights, here are simple tips for parents to raise emotionally intelligent and resilient children:

1. Recognize, process, and respect emotions

Today’s parents know the importance of processing and recognizing children’s emotions since it is a big part of what makes us human, and it makes our lives more fulfilling and rewarding. Parents should also teach their kids that there’s no good or bad emotions, and that all should be felt and embraced, not dismissed. Moreover, parents should ensure that they encourage open conversations and show empathy to their children’s feelings to ensure a safe space for their child to freely express their emotions.

2. Teach emotional regulation

Parents can help their children manage their emotions effectively by practicing breathing techniques, mindfulness, or discovering and using healthy outlets for their feelings, such as sports or creative arts.

3. Demonstrate emotional strength

When parents actively manage their emotions and demonstrate coping strategies in difficult situations, they provide their children with real-life examples of calmness and resilience that they can emulate. This can teach them practical ways to effectively deal with their own feelings and challenges.

4. Foster empathy and perspective-taking

Guide your children to understand and consider the feelings and viewpoints of others in every situation. Aside from developing empathy, this can improve their ability to engage in meaningful conversations and resolve conflicts. Encouraging them to see situations from different perspectives can broaden their emotional and social skills.

5. Cultivate problem-solving skills

Rather than shielding children from every negative experience to “keep” them happy, it's better to encourage them to think through problems and come up with solutions. Guide them through the process of identifying issues, brainstorming possible solutions, and deciding the best course of action. Doing so not only enhances their analytical skills but also builds their confidence in handling challenges independently.

6. Promote self-awareness

Help children understand their own emotions by discussing them and reflecting on what might be causing them. This increases emotional intelligence and self-regulation.

7. Be an emotionally intelligent parent

John Gottman, Ph.D., psychologist, relationship expert, and founder of The Gottman Institute said that for parents to raise an emotionally intelligent child begins with being the same themselves. “It is important to understand one’s own feelings about emotions, and to learn that self-understanding comes from recognizing one’s own feelings,” he wrote.

A previous Smart Parenting article enumerates the traits of an emotionally intelligent parent.

By shifting the focus from achieving perpetual happiness to fostering a well-rounded emotional development, parents can better prepare their children for the complexities of real life.

Dr. Siggie’s message serves as a powerful reminder that in parenting, as in life, the richness does not come from constant happiness, but from navigating a range of experiences and emotions with competence and grace.

Read here for phrases that can help your child’s emotional development.