Accepting Defeat: Paano Mo Ipapaliwanag Sa Kids Na May Nananalo At May Natatalo

This story is inspired by a real #SPConfessions shared with us in the Smart Parenting Village. Some details have been altered to protect the original poster.

Does your child scream, cry, and throw a tantrum whenever they lose in a game? If you’ve been a parent or around kids long enough, you might have noticed that some children struggle wit accepting defeat. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a small, just-for-fun game or a school event; for some kids, losing is hard to accept. So why do some kids have trouble with this, and what can parents do about it?

One mom shared her concern after witnessing her child’s disappointment following a school activity loss. And she shared their story on Smart Parenting Village:

How do you accept defeat? And how do you explain to your children the concept of losing, na may nananalo at may natatalo. I have been so hard on myself. I can’t accept the fact na we lost and that we had the chance to win pero may hindi ako nagawa. This is a school activity na sinalihan namin ng anak ko. I saw that my child was unhappy sa result and he started comparing himself to the other kids, na why the other kids received awards. I honestly don’t know how to explain it to him because kahit ako, nanghihinayang din. I feel na I didn’t do my best for my child.

Accepting defeat

Other moms in the community were both empathetic and enlightening, sharing their experiences and strategies on how to cope with and teach about defeat.

Self-reflection and healing

One parent advised the mom to address her own feelings first to better guide her child. She said, “Be gentle on yourself first. It looks like you also have childhood wounds that need attending to. Our children would react to defeat the same way we do. They learn to navigate life by watching and imitating us. You can show your child videos of sports events or other competitions and discuss how the participants did their best but sometimes it’s not enough. The lesson here is how to react after losing–how to stand back up and work harder to reach one’s goals.”

Model acceptance

Another parent echoed a similar sentiment and emphasized the importance of parents modeling the behavior they wish to see in their child. She said, “Start with yourself, ikaw mismo hindi mo ma-accept and yun ang nakikita niya. Learn to accept the outcome first and show your child na okay lang mag-fail. Failures are a part of life. Masakit din talaga yun so both of your feelings are valid, and it’s okay na umiyak at masaktan. What’s important is that both of you learned something, and use that to improve.”

Validate emotions

One parent reminded the mom that validating their children’s emotions is important. “Feeling sad after a defeat is normal and valid. It means you did your best or think you could’ve done better,” she said. “Allowing yourself to feel sad is good for you, and you can also apply this to your child. Allow them to feel sad and don’t force them to only see the positive.

“I would recommend talking to your child and asking him about the emotions he’s feeling. Is he sad, upset, disappointed, angry, or frustrated? I would also ask them why they feel that way,” she added.

Change the perspective on winning and losing

Another mom recommended reframing the concept of winning and losing, which she does to her own kids with the help of a book titled When My Friend Wins. She shared, “It also helps me to reframe losing as an entirely negative experience. I think it’s normal for us to only want to win, especially if growing up, we were always told that winning was important. But the truth is if there’s a winner, there’s a loser too.

“Agree with the other comments: dealing with your own feelings about winning and losing first will help you lead and guide your child to understand what it truly means to win, and when do we really lose,” she added. “Competition and sports are a great way to learn how to be a gracious winner and how not to be a sore loser.”

Teach resilience

Highlighting the importance of resilience, a parent shared, “My daughter is competitive even with her younger siblings. Natural sa isang bata maging competitive, they don’t like losing.”

She then said the lesson she always tells her daughter in such instances, “I told her that we can’t win all the time. There will be times when we lose but it doesn’t mean that we failed. As long as we did our best, it’s okay to lose–take it as a lesson and a stepping stone to strive hard.”

Take it as an opportunity to grow

Teaching our children to lose graciously helps them in the long run. As an article from Exploring Your Mind states, “Learning how to lose will allow your child not to consider a failure as a door that closes suddenly. He will see that it is actually an opportunity to improve, mature, and grow in those aspects in his life which still need to develop. He will be able to tolerate frustration much more easily. Instead of letting himself be dragged down by opponents or enemies, he will learn how to use defeat in his favor and emerge stronger from it.”

Teaching children about defeat involves guiding them through their emotions and managing our reactions as parents. It requires self-reflection, openness to discussing feelings, and even a shift in perspective on success and failure. Once we as parents model resilience and graciousness in accepting defeat, our children will learn to view defeat not as a setback but as a stepping stone towards growth and improvement.

Edited for spelling, punctuation, grammar, and formatting.

Do you have a #SPConfessions that you would like to share with us? Send it to Sara Palma in Smart Parenting Village or email it to us via smartparentingsubmissions@gmail.com.

Read here to learn how these students set a good example in handling victory and defeat.