3 Gentle Parenting Myths and The Truths Behind Them

Allowing your child to do anything he or she wants to do is a big no for every parent. We know kids need and benefit from authority figures. For many of us who were raised to follow first and ask questions later, we instantly raise an eyebrow at situations that appear like kids are getting their way and parents are giving in. 

But is that what gentle parenting means? The word 'gentle' in the parenting philosophy is often misunderstood and skeptics assume it means being permissive. 

Below are three gentle parenting myths and the truths about this popular parenting style. 

Three Myths About Gentle Parenting 

Myth 1: It's all about saying only nice things to a child.

Gentle parenting does aim to build a healthy self-esteem in children, but it does not do so just by overwhelming a child with praise—especially not when it's undeserved or untrue. It also does not skip on correcting a child. 

In contrast, encouraging a child's efforts and hard work rather than praising natural talents or abilities is a mark of gentle parenting. 

That sounds like “I can see you worked so hard on this painting" versus "You're so good at art!" 

Sarah Ockwell Smith, author of 13 parenting books translated into over 30 languages including The Gentle Parenting Book and How to Be a Calm Parent says gentle parents praise efforts and behaviors that children can repeat, learn from, or change.

Constantly giving a child praise for their natural ability can work negatively for the child in the long run. An example is when they encounter situations when their natural ability is challenged, like not placing first in an art contest when "I'm so good at art." 

Encouraging a child's efforts, something they can grow and work on, helps them to become intrinsically motivated, a trait they will benefit from for the rest of their lives. 

The truth: Gentle parents think well about how to praise their children and avoid oft used phrases like “good boy/girl”.

Myth 2: Children don't face "real life" consequences. 

That's life, deal with it. As adults, this no longer scares us and many times we tend to use the same phrase on our kids because we want to make sure they can "make it out there in the real world." 

Gentle parenting does not opt out of natural consequences emerging from a child's decisions like when they don't do their homework and receive a bad grade. Gentle parents will not step in when a teacher needs to talk to the child about his performance or try to ask teacher to reconsider.

Instead, gentle parenting allows the child to experience age-appropriate discomfort and consequence that results from their decisions. 

Imagine what adding a consequence to an already terrible situation might look like to us, adults: We miss a deadline and have to return to a government office to process an application plus we can't stream any of our favorite shows for a week because we were late. 

Punishment may end up as the child’s focus, which may be why we notice our children don’t really want to do anything unless “I get a reward”. This is also called the “What’s in it for me?” attitude.

Conversely, gentle parenting aims to build good behavior for the sake of it.

The truth: Gentle parenting allows age-appropriate natural consequences to a child’s decision to allow children to learn valuable life lessons rather than focusing on punishment.

Myth 3: It's just all talk, it won't get anywhere. 

Many are skeptical about gentle parenting because it can seem as if talking to the child is not enough to correct them.

When we come from a background of punishment and consequences, it is admittedly difficult to see the value of the process of discussing with the child what she or he did wrong, what they can do differently next time (teaching alternative appropriate behavior), and setting clear expectations. 

Another thing parents forget about gentle parenting: Processing with your child, allowing their emotions, while keeping your emotions in check is not easy. It is also not quick. In short, it’s time consuming and tiring.

It is much easier to raise our voices or to give a punishment.

“When we show gentleness, especially during stressful times, we model frustration tolerance, and we model flexibility. Staying calm and being gentle and firm sets the tone for positive growth and development,” says Allison Andrews, PsyD, primary clinician at Child Development Partners in Boston, MA on Very Well Family.

For many of us who did not initially practice gentle parenting on their children, it may take some time before we see it working. It can be tempting to throw in the towel after trying it once or even a few days because “it doesn’t work on my child”. 

But we may also consider this: how many years have I been speaking to my child in a heated tone to get what I want? And how many times or days have I been trying to speak gently but firmly?

Perhaps this may be the reason why it feels as if this approach is not yet working.

The truth: Gentle parenting means a parent can be kind and firm at the same time and it takes time to learn for both child and parent.

At its core, gentle parenting is hinged on four things: empathy, respect, understanding, and boundaries. Simply put, its teaching children while respecting the child’s feelings and cognitive development. And aren’t these things we appreciate as adults?