‘You Can Do Anything’ Is Not A Good Thing To Tell Kids, Experts Recommend To Do These Instead

“You can do anything.”

As parents, we might have said this to our child several times when we want to encourage them to try out something or uplift them. However, while the phrase might sound positive and encouraging, experts say that it might not help our kids too much.

Why saying it can be counterproductive

The focus on boosting children’s self-esteem over the past 50 years has led to this common phrase, making parents believe they are opening up opportunities. But according to experts, telling our child that “you can do anything” is counterproductive based on the following reasons:

Joanna North, a consultant psychotherapist says that the phrase is very generalized and in a video call with CNBC, she says that “we need to draw it down to specifics for children, and [find] really practical examples for them.” She also said that we should acknowledge and show them the reality that people have their own limitations and that in life, we should work within said limitations.

Psychologist and broadcaster Emma Kenny, understands why parents might use the phrase on their kids, as doing so might make them feel like they are creating opportunities in their kids’ life and not limiting them. At the same time, parents might say it because they might actually believe it, in the same way that they believe that their children are “miracles.”

Parents should be careful with what they say

Both experts remind parents that they should be careful in the things they say to their children. Because words, such as “anything,” are vague, and as such, can possibly set “our children adrift.” At the same time, she says “it could be quite a dismissive thing to say,” as it could also be interpreted as “I actually can’t quite really be bothered to think about what that might be.”

For Kenny, it’s all about balance, “You want to create a realistic expectation and anticipation of the world without making them feel limited. The reality is, knowing your limits to some degree isn’t about tempering your dreams. It’s about helping you concentrate on the areas and elements that make a difference to your life positively.”

What parents should do instead

North says that parents should focus their attention on finding out the “specific gifts” their kids have, or what they are actually good at and developing those instead.

Personally, North shares, “I certainly could have done with help with thinking about where my focus was, to work it out through a lot of experimentation and eros. But… we can help children focus in on their specific gifts.”

North advises parents to observe and understand their children’s interests and motivations. Are they good at musical instruments? Are they interested in books or movies? Do they love helping out? Recognize what makes them happy and fulfilled.

At the same time, parents can encourage their child to try out something even if they fail on it. It can be as small as trying out a new food (and finding out that they didn’t like it) or as big as trying out a new activity (and finding out the amount of work needed to excel at it). This way, parents can show their child what it takes to achieve the big dreams they might have–a lot of hard work and failures on the way.

Parents should also remember that it’s important to set boundaries for their kids. As experiencing none of it might make them think that instant gratification is possible when it’s usually not. And telling them that they can be “anything” might negate said boundaries because anything could mean limitless. Parents need to let them play or create freely while also imposing some restrictions. North said, “We live in such an instantaneous world, and I think ‘you can do anything’ rather fits in with that. We expect immediacy, ‘I want it now.’ And life simply can’t always be like that.”

Kenny also advises parents who might have kids attending a traditional school and who might be getting mediocre or failing grades to be careful in how they reassure their kids. Traditional education systems typically use tests to assess kids’ progress–this does not consider a child’s learning pace or even understanding. So instead of parents’ blaming the education system or their child (please don’t), parents should encourage their child to think about their own attributes. Kenny says, “It’s better to say, ‘You know what, that might not be where you shine, but you are absolutely incredible at painting. You’re absolutely incredible at helping your dad fix the car’...it’s about [saying], ‘You can do anything where you’re skilled, you can do anything where you actually have a natural inclination for it.’”

Ultimately, we as parents might want to impress our kids that they can excel in anything and everything. But the reality is, that’s not possible because as humans, everyone has limitations. So as Kenny says, it’s better for us to teach them realistic optimism: “You teach children to aim really high, but you also teach them the realistic expectations of the world around them, and also the value of really hard work.”