A Parent's Role Is Not To Make The Kids Happy, Says Psychologist

If parents were asked what it is they want most for their kids, “happiness” is easily a top answer. As parents, we place it upon ourselves to ensure that our children grow up to be happy but according to Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and founder of the US parenting community, Good Inside, this is not our job. 

Dr. Kennedy sat down with author Adam Grant in his popular Ted featured podcast program Rethinking to elaborate on the reasons why it is not parents’ job to make their kids happy as they discussed the topic, “How to Bring Out the Best in Kids.” 

For Dr. Kennedy it is important for parents to have clarity on what their job should be. “When I think about a parent's job, I think about two main buckets of things and they go hand in hand,” she shares. “They actually work in tandem together, even though they're often described in kind of an oppositional way. 

So what exactly is parents’ job?

Setting boundaries and giving validation

According to Dr. Kennedy, the first part of a parent's job is setting boundaries. “And that really answers a kid's question: am I safe?” she said.  “… So a boundary would be saying, “Hey, I'm not gonna let you jump on that table. It's dangerous. Oh, you're having a hard time. Okay, no problem. I'm gonna come over. And if by the time I get to you, you're not off the table, I will take you off the table.”

Telling a child to get off the table is only half the job, she adds. Validating what the child’s feels--and any child will most likely feel frustration when asked to get off the table—is just as important. “…The other half of our job is validation, which is really seeing your kids' emotional experience as real, even if you don't understand it, and even if it doesn't mirror your own experience. So that job always goes hand in hand with boundaries,” she says.

Lines like, “Oh, you really wanted to jump there. I know I told you could jump on the floor and it's not as much fun, so you're really frustrated,” help affirm what children feel.

RELATED: 2022’s Top 7 Parenting Lessons: Enjoy Each Parenting Stage, Validate Emotions, And More

She points out that setting boundaries and giving validation doesn’t have anything to do with making kids happy. If it were, she adds, then that would be equivalent to allowing the child to jump on the table or offering them ice cream or sundae if they stopped, “And what happens then is my kid actually kind of overpowers me as a leader. Right?” she stresses.

It's not your job to make them successful, either

While all parents want their kids to be successful, Dr. Kennedy pointed out the importance of allowing them to process failure and resist tendencies to shield them from disappointment by providing them short-term ‘happiness’ markers. Such actions can be counterproductive for them later on as they try to seek success as adults. 

“So ‘I want my kid to be happy’ means, ‘Okay, my kid didn't make the soccer team. I'll, you know, drive them right away to this other town so they can make that soccer team because the kids in that town aren't good at soccer. My kid wasn't invited to a party, so I'll have my own party for my kid because I want them to be happy’,” Dr. Kennedy expounds.  This kind of parenting, she added, may give children short-term happiness but all it has really done is reduce their tolerance for distress. 

'I believe the single most important thing for kids to learn in life is emotion regulation skills' -Dr. Becky Kennedy, Good Inside founder

“So the next time they're disappointed with something, and the stakes are higher… let's say not getting into the college you want, your kid's like, ‘Where, where’s the immediate fix?’…. Because all my life, I've learned that as soon as I'm disappointed, the thing that comes next in my body is immediate satisfaction and happiness,” she explains.

She also warned about the dangers of emphasizing on short-term ‘happiness’ markers.  “I think these short-term markers…they're dangerous because they actually get in the way of, number one, a kid defining those markers for themselves, but even being able to reach those markers as soon as our kids are out of our house.”

RELATED: When You Allow Your Kids To Fail, You Are Teaching Qualities That Last A Lifetime Experts Say

Be more like coaches

So if making them happy or successful is not our job, how should we play our role? 

“What I've been playing around with a lot in my mind is just like really helping parents see their role as a coach, because I believe the single most important thing for kids to learn in life is emotion regulation skills,” says Dr. Kennedy. Children learn to regulate their emotions through their relationship with their caregivers, she adds. “You absorb them. That's how you learn them. That's how they develop circuits in your body.”

Like coaches, parents should guide their children through tough times, stay connected to them, work on what they need, and recognize that they actually need very different things.

Like coaches, parents should guide their children through tough times, stay connected to them, work on what they need, and recognize that they actually need very different things, Dr. Kennedy says.

In the end, it all goes back to parents seeing the clarity in their role. While Dr. Kennedy says that parenting is different from family to family, the framework she offers is something they can consider and may find useful.  

As a parent herself, Dr. Kennedy’s goal is to see her kids grow into adults who embrace who they are.  “My goal as a parent is I hope my kids, when they're adults… whatever they say about me, if anything, would be like, 'My mom, she really helped me feel comfortable in who I was. She really helped me figure out who I am and feel all in myself.'"