Comparing Your Child To Others Does Not Encourage Good Behavior, Expert Says Use This Approach Instead

“Bakit di mo gayahin si Ate, laging Honor sa school?”

“Tingnan mo nga yung classmate mong si Dan, kaya na niyang magsulat ng name niya mag-isa.”

“Di ka na makaka-graduate ng high school tulad ng pinsan mong si Jun sa kalalaro mo ng online games.”

Raise your hand if you are guilty of comparing your child to others in the hope of disciplining them or making them achieve more. While parents only want the best for their child, repeated comparisons to other children may be psychologically and emotionally harmful to a child in the long run according to Dr. Gail Reyes Galang, chair of the Family Studies program of Miriam College and a faculty at the College’s Department of Psychology.

When parents use comparison to encourage their child to achieve more, they may inadvertently be sending the message that something is wrong with their child.

“Parents only want the best for their children. When they see other kids happy and successful, they also wish the same for their own children. Such social comparisons, however, can be harmful if it clearly makes the child resentful of others,” she warns.

When parents use comparison to encourage their child to achieve more, they may inadvertently be sending the message that something is wrong with their child. “Not only will the child harbor a grudge against the parent or the person they are being compared to but they may begin to think of themselves as never good enough for them,” explains Dr. Galang.

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“No one likes to be made to feel so low or a total failure,” she adds.

Such feelings of resentment may lead the child to distance himself from his parents or the person he is being compared to, like a sibling. The child may also begin to  build a protective wall around him to avoid being hurt. 

“When this happens, the child stops trying, thinking that it is pointless to do so because someone else is the favored child,” says Dr. Galang.

Why parents use comparisons

No one wants his or her child to reach the point of ‘not trying’ but often it’s hard to for parents to catch themselves in such situations.

Why do some parents have the tendency to compare their child to others? There are many reasons behind it, some of which can be traced to their own experiences as a child, says. Dr. Galang.

Among the reasons she cites are:

1. Learned behavior

In childhood, these parents may have experienced being compared to another sibling while growing up and that experience, though unpleasant, forced them to do better.

2. To encourage aspirational behavior.

Some parents use the experiences of other children they know as an example of what is aspirational. "Look at your brother. He knows how to manage his time, that's why he graduated with honors."

3. For the child to exert more effort.

For children who are hesitant to try, sometimes parents use comparisons as a driving force for their own kid to exert more effort. "You will also be a confident swimmer like your cousin. She was also scared of the water at first. Now, she can swim  without using floaters. Just keep practicing."

4. For a parent’s own validation.

Some parents compare their child with others because they need validation that they are good parents, that they are raising their kids well. These parents don't certainly want their kids to be left behind because they think it would be a reflection of bad parenting.

5. To express frustration.

Sadly, there are parents who resort to comparing their children with others out of frustration. These may have tried other methods to motivate their children, but to no avail.

Think WIN-WIN!

It’s easy to overlook some of these reasons especially if parents feel that they are doing it out of love. Building awareness around one’s behavior is the first step to cutting the cycle of resorting to comparisons just to reinforce a child’s behavior.

To do this, Dr. Galang says parents can practice a WIN-WIN strategy and cultivate more positive  ways to reinforce their child’s behavior without comparing them to others.

Watch your words because it becomes your child's inner voice.

Avoid labels that can hurt a child's self-worth.

Imitate others.

Imitate others who model desirable behaviors and praise your child when you catch him/her doing that behavior.

Nurture sibling relationships.

Give equal attention to all your children so that they do not see themselves competing for your love and affection.

Work on building self-esteem.

Do not punish your child for failing to be as successful as someone else.

Increase support when children feel anxious and stressed.

Keeping up with school and social media can be very overwhelming to older children who like to compare themselves with others.

Nurture your child's unique gifts and talents.

This way they grow to be confident and industrious.

It is only natural that parents want to see their children well-adjusted and successful but the path to getting them to that point is just as important as the goal.

Comparing them to others may only encourage negative labels and bring setbacks rather than progress to their behavior. Thus, it’s important for parents to take a step back to be self-aware, focus on their child’s strengths, and think WIN-WIN.

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Dr. Gail Reyes Galang is chair of the Family Studies program of Miriam College where she also teaches under the Department of Psychology. She is currently the associate director of the Center for Peace Education. Follow her on Instagram @gailfrancesgalang