Expert Shares Why Your Kids And Their Lolo Or Lola Need Each Other

“Mas mahal pa niya ‘yung apo niya, kaysa sa akin na anak niya!” Relate much? Me, too! Ever since my son was born, I felt like my parents adored him more than they do me. He is their first apo, after all, so I don’t mind. And it’s quite amusing how much they spoil him (just like how my lolo spoiled me, TBH!) But we don’t always see eye-to-eye when it comes to parenting things.

For example, we initially didn’t want him to play in public playgrounds when the restrictions were easing up, but when my mom had babysitting duties, she still took him to one. We just resolved to build up his immunity and eventually gave in. 

I’m sure a lot of young parents experience similar situations. I can imagine that not all disagreements end amicably, too. If you’re one of them, have you ever been curious why their bond is so strong? Smart Parenting interviewed professional therapist Monette G. Pekas, owner and founder of ConVocare Mental Health Counseling Services to get some answers. As a Registered Psychometrician specializing in individual, family, and relationship concerns, she shares the impact of grandparents in children’s lives and vice versa.

We also ask her advice on occasions when two generations of parents clash in terms of child-rearing.

Why grandparents need their grandkids and vice versa

What are the emotional benefits of having grandparents in children’s lives? 

Monette: There are several good outcomes when grandparents are present in our children's lives. “A Second-Chance at Being a Parent,” studies have shown that kids with a high level of grandparent involvement tend to have less emotional problems, reduced behavioral issues, and fewer challenges with peers. In fact, healthy grandparent relationships lead to less depression in both grandparents and children.

The study also shows “the emotional relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren can significantly affect the children’s academic, psychological, and social development… It has been shown that children have a higher level of self-confidence when grandparents give more affection. Such emotional closeness has long-term positive impacts on children’s lives, including the value children derive from giving and receiving care from another person.”

RELATED: Time With the Grandparents Is One of the Best Gifts for Your Little One

If there are conflicts or disagreements between the parents and the grandparents, how should it be addressed? 

Monette: Well, it is inevitable that parents and grandparents face conflicts when both are involved in guiding and disciplining the kids, especially since they are raised in different generations and that they have differing views and beliefs. Before we can resolve something, we need to identify first the reasons for conflicts. [Here are] two of the most common reasons for conflicts between parents and grandparents:

'Remember that the misplaced advice is almost certainly being given with good intentions.'

1. Managing grandparents’ unsolicited advice

The problem with unsolicited parenting advice is that we usually understand it as criticism. Being told what we ‘should’ be doing feels pretty much like being told that we are doing it ALL wrong. To manage, parents may assume the best. They may try to remember that the misplaced advice is almost certainly being given with good intentions. Grandparents know from experience how hard it can be raising children and they want to help (and to shortcut you’re learning for you).

2. Managing grandparents who won’t stick to your rules

How to address this? Make the rules crystal clear. If problems arise, have constructive problem-solving discussions (away from the children). Own the problem, don’t distribute blame. And aim for collaborative and explicit solutions: “I find it hard when you let Ollie snack in the afternoons because then he doesn’t eat his dinner and gets hungry right before bed. Please can we find a solution?”

We should always remember that good and open communication is essential in any relationship, including the parent-grandparent relationship. This enables both parties to have mutual respect and understanding, recognize their respective roles in raising the children, and avoid overstepping boundaries even if parenting styles are different. 

There are other reasons why having grandparents in your kid’s life can mutually benefit them. In fact, studies suggest that grandkids can even help improve their lolo or lola’s health, too. To learn more about why having grandparents is indeed priceless, click here.

Special thanks to Monette G. Pekas and ConVocare Mental Health Counseling Services.

Ms. Monette is a Licensed Professional Teacher, Registered Guidance Counselor, and Registered Psychometrician. She has since turned her dream of starting her own clinic into a reality. A passionate advocate for mental health, she improved her work experience by volunteering and interning in various organizations and companies such as the Quezon City Drug and Rehabilitation Center, Life Change Recovery Center, Philippine Mental Health Association, and the Lifeline Rehabilitation Center.