‘How Do I Tell My Daughter That Her Dad Has A Love Child?’

This story is inspired by a real #SPConfessions shared with us in the Smart Parenting Village. Some details have been altered to protect the original poster.

“How do I tell my 6-year-old daughter that her father has a 16-year-old son from a one-night stand with a stranger?”

A mom posted this question on the Smart Parenting Village, seeking advice from other moms on this delicate matter. In the comments, she revealed that she recently learned about her husband’s love child. Although her husband has no relationship with the 16-year-old boy or the boy’s mother, he’s contemplating meeting him and introducing him to their 6-year-old daughter. Thus, she faces the dilemma of explaining this complex situation to their child.

Model the right behavior and avoid passing on trauma

Several moms responded to her post, drawing from their own experiences.

One mom shared, “Like sa family namin, may anak si Papa sa pagka-binata siguro mga 6 years ang tanda sa akin. Palagi siyang nagpupunta sa bahay at sa family ni Papa. Noong una, naguguluhan ako, hanggang sa naunawaan ko na kapatid ko pala siya sa labas.

“Na-amaze ako sa Mama ko na tanggap niya si ‘Ate’ at lagi niyang sinasabi na walang kasalanan ang mga bata. Never ko narinig si Mama na nagsalita ng masama tungkol kay ‘Ate,’ instead more on compassionate words.

“So, lumaki ako na tanggap si ‘Ate’ at hinahanap ko din kasi yung feeling na may mas matanda sa akin. Minsan talaga totoo din na role model ang adult sa pag-mold ng values ng bata.

Another mom emphasized, “Please refrain from passing your trauma from that scenario to your child as much as possible.”

“The kids didn’t know what happened before and wala silang kasalanan doon. Teach your daughter love and compassion, but at the same time, to set her boundaries,” another one replied.

Choose the right time

On the other hand, some moms questioned the timing of the introductions, asking, “Why would you even say that to a 6-year-old? Nagtatanong ba siya?

“I wouldn’t complicate things by telling her this early. There is a right time to tell everything.”

Other moms suggested a less complicated way of introducing the kids, saying, “Just introduce him as her kuya. Kids wouldn’t ask for the family tree, anyway.

“My niece (legitimate) became curious and asked her half-sister, ‘Who is your family? Is lolo your papa?’ That was the time her half-sister told her that ‘Your papa is my papa.’”

Another parent added that the mom should also consider processing her daughter’s emotions over the situation, “Just tell your daughter na may kapatid siya sa father niya with a different mother. Then ask her how she feels about it. I also have siblings from different mothers. Na-meet ko sila parang 3 or 4 years old palang ako. Wala namang naging problema.”

Establish a relationship first

Other moms suggested that the parents and the teen son should establish a relationship first. Since the mommy poster mentioned that her husband also lacks a relationship with the boy or his mom, one commenter advised, “It’s best if the adults and teen son deal with it first. Do the son and his mom want a relationship with you and your husband? And do you and your husband agree? Come up with a setup that works and is okay for everyone.

“Kapag okay na sa lahat, including kay son and mas nagkakaunawaan na silang mag-ama, it would be easier to tell your child, ‘Anak, you know, you have a kuya. Would you like to meet him?’

“At her age, she might ask some questions and mas magiging magaan i-explain iyun if mas maayos na ang pakikitungo at samahan ng mas nakakatanda.

“With my family, we, including my daughter who was 2-years-old at the time, met her kuya and his mom (her husband is my ex) via a video call. We rarely talk to them. But matandain ang anak ko, so a few months ago (she’s now 3-years-old), she randomly asked anong name ng kuya niya at bakit hindi namin kasama. I said, kuya mo siya but iba kasi ang mommy niya, and malayo ang house nila kaya video or pic lang natin sila nakikita.

“One time, kuya’s mom asked me via chat how to pronounce my daughter’s name because he’s having difficulty pronouncing it. I was glad to know that although the kids have never met, and I haven’t met his mom, andoon yung acceptance for the kids. When they get older, hindi sila totally ignorant sa existence ng isa’t isa.

“More importantly, I hope as adults, you and your husband and his mom, would also consider how the 16-year-old will feel. Especially since you said na wala sila talagang relationship mag-ama. I think it’s best na magsimula muna doon. Kasi he may be older, but he is still your husband’s child. And he also has mental and emotional needs in this situation na he’ll meet and get to know the father he never knew he had.”

Edited for spelling, punctuation, grammar, and formatting.

Do you have a #SPConfessions that you would like to share with us? Send it to Sara Palma in Smart Parenting Village or email it to us via smartparentingsubmissions@gmail.com.