‘Gusto Ko Lang, Iparamdam Niya Na Deserve Kong Alagaan Ako’

On Mother’s Day, a heartfelt post on Smart Parenting Village, a parenting community of over 100,000 Filipino parents, shone the light on the emotional toll the holiday can have on some mothers, especially those who feel that their efforts and hardwork go unnoticed by those closest to them.

The original post begins with the author expressing her feelings of unappreciation and neglect, “I’m crying while writing this. Mother’s day, isa sa mga hindi ako excited na araw, parang birthday ko… Because I don’t feel celebrated, I don’t feel loved.

“Noong isang araw, nag-luto ng breakfast ang asawa ko. Tapos nag-thank you ako sa kanya. Sabi niya, ‘Hay salamat naman at may thank you.’”

The author then goes on to explain why this hit her hard, writing, “Nagpintig yung tenga ko, kasi ako, I get to do all (90% of the time) the stuff at home, be a wife, a mom of two, manage a small business and don’t get a thank you for it.

“So sinagot ko siya na, ‘Wow ha!’ Hindi ko alam kung nakaramdam na siya pero in my heart, dinadamdam ko yun.”

She further explains the imbalance in their relationship and responsibilities at home, noting, “Most of the time, gusto ko lang huwag siyang magkalat, tulungan niya ako, make life easier for me kahit small things. Pulutin niya kalat ng anak niya, basahan niya ng libro habang naliligo ako para naman makaligo ako ng matagal. Yun lang sana. Pero wala, unless I tell him to do it, hindi niya gagawin. Nadaanan niya na yung kalat, lalampasan pa niya. Minsan pakiramdam ko, nababastos na ako. Parang yaya na lang ba ako dito sa bahay?”

“All my birthdays, ako nabili ng cake ko. This Mother’s Day, all I want is to be recognized.”

The author also provided more context into their relationship, saying that she never felt appreciated after they got married, “Simula nung nag-asawa kami, I never received grand gestures of love from him. Honestly, naiinggit ako dun sa iba na binibigyan ng pera ang asawa nila para maka-realax, maka-shopping. Kahit na wala akong work, I pay for my own bills, (phone, life insurance, kapag may gusto ako kainin na pagkain, my clothes, all my wants). I work hard para mabigyan ko ang sarili ko.

“And I don’t mind na hindi niya iyan ibigay sa akin. Gusto ko lang, kahit minsan, iparamdam naman niya na deserve kong alagaan ako, na wife niya ako, na ako yung nanay ng mga anak niya. Na 5 years na akong breastfeeding, na halos mamatay na ako sa panganganak ko, na I gave up my whole life for him, for them, for our children.

“All my birthdays, ako nabili ng cake ko. This Mother’s Day, all I want is to be recognized.”

Despite her rant, the author emphasizes her love for her family, “My only reward is to see my children growing up, kapag niyakap nila ako, kapag nag-I love you sila. Hindi ko na maramdaman sa asawa ko na mahal niya ako. Parang ang complacent niya na andito lang naman ako at hindi ako aalis. I love him, I still do. I still choose him everyday.”

She then ends with a greeting for other moms and an advice for other husbands, “Happy Mother’s Day sa lahat ng mga nanay na araw-araw lumalaban. At sa mga tatay, don’t forget to check on your wives. Kamustahin mo sila. Pasayahin mo sila. Everyday should be Mother’s Day, pero [bukas] ay isang espesyal na araw pa rin to recognize ang lahat ng hard work at sacrifices nila.”

Other moms say, you are not alone

The comments section is filled with greetings and words of solidarity and encouragement from fellow moms. One comment said, “Happy Mother’s Day ma. Ramdam ka namin kasi nga mga nanay din tayo. I hope you get to practice open communication with your husband. Ewan ko ba sa mga lalaki, they seem like they are wired na ganyan na talaga. Pero open communication goes a long way and may help your relationship a lot.”

“Mahigpit na yakap! I felt the same way, you’re not alone having these kinds of feelings. If you don’t feel celebrated, then spoil yourself!"

Another mom emphasized how common such feelings of insignificance can be for a lot of moms, while still highlighting gratitude. “We all know na hindi lang ikaw ang nag-iisang ganyan, madami dami tayo, madami dami sila, iba’ ibang situation, iba’t ibang scenario. But I wanted you to know how blessed you are, be strong and focus on yourself and the kids. Hirap maging strong, but I know kaya mo yan.”

Other parents similarly advocated for the importance of maintaining good communication between husband and wife for a better relationship. One shared how she communicates frankly with her husband, saying, “Prangkahin mo… Bakit ako wala man lang thank you sa ginagawa ko? Araw araw ko naman yan ginagawa sa bahay, wala man lang appreciation… Napapagod ako sa bahay, sana man lang may pa-cash man lang… Minsan pakiramdam ko katulong at yaya nalang ako tapos wala man lang sweldo.”

“It’s better to communicate,” another wrote. “Yung iisipin natin na nakaramdam na siya, he might but he might have not. Better choose to be vocal and speak in a level headed manner. I sometimes feel unloved, pero let’s not wallow in pity but work on it by communicating and praying. If you’ve told him several times na and you feel that he did nothing, talk to him again and tell him that you feel disrespected because your concerns were unheard and unappreciated. Try everything you can to restore your relationship.”

Other moms also emphasized the importance of self-care and to advocate for and celebrate themselves. “Happiness is not always from the outside, it also comes from within. Don’t wait for validation kasi baka hindi ganun ang asawa mo na marunong mag-acknowledge or recognize your efforts.”

Another wrote, “Mahigpit na yakap! I felt the same way, you’re not alone having these kinds of feelings. If you don’t feel celebrated, then spoil yourself–go for a massage, mani/pedi, have some wine or eat out, or ask for an overnight stay alone in a good hotel. Para maka-sleep in at ma-relax ka. As moms, we don’t need a holiday to do these things–we should learn to recharge from time to time.”

The post and responses underline a collective understanding among mothers of their feelings of being underappreciated by their families. Such insights highlight the crucial need for partners to actively recognize and appreciate the hard work of mothers every once in a while. It can be via simple acts of acknowledging and saying thank you for their contributions in household chores and expenses, helping out with the chores and managing the kids, or even small gifts to make her feel valued. These can significantly impact a mother’s emotional well-being.

Read here for the reason why moms should not feel guilty nor entitled for wanting to be celebrated.