Dear Mama, Please Don’t Be Shy If You Want To Be Celebrated

Dear Mama,

In a few hours, it will be Mother’s Day. Maybe this open letter might reach you on Mother’s Day itself. So I hope it is not too late for me to say this.

Earlier today, I read through a Smart Parenting Village survey question where we asked your plans for Mother’s Day and my heart sank briefly as I repeatedly read the same answer: “laba”.

Some shared there were already plans to dine out with the family. Some shared that there was no budget and Mother’s Day is like any other day. There were a few who admitted they'd given up on hoping for any form of celebration from their family.

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In the years that I’ve been a mom and have worked with parenting communities, I’ve seen similar sentiments year in and year out. I’ve seen moms who silently wish for any sort of Mother’s Day celebration, only to be disappointed.

There’s nothing wrong with doing the laundry; we moms are the first to know that everyday chores don’t magically disappear just because a holiday or celebration is coming up. Even on Mother’s Day, there will be dishes to wash, diapers to change, and children to bathe.

But please, hear me out. Mama, don’t be embarrassed to ask to be celebrated. Don’t pretend you don’t want to be fussed over, if you want it. Don’t rely on the passive-aggressive parinig. Huwag nang pakipot.

Mama, it’s your day. Why wait for others to guess what will make your heart sing, especially if you know exactly what you want? Nothing is unbecoming about a woman, a mother, who knows what she wants. At least not these days. It’s not mayabang. It’s not demanding. It's not entitled. You are not too much.

We women were not raised to be clear and direct. Often it is perceived to be a negative trait when women are straight to the point. For decades, our models for mothers have appeared to be soft-spoken, almost perfect moms, who do not speak of their contributions at home but patiently wait for acknowledgment.

If there is something we long for in particular, why shouldn’t we say what we want to do or receive on Mother’s Day? Knowing how we want to celebrate our birthdays is not conceited, neither is knowing how you want to celebrate Mother’s Day. Acknowledging our worth, and our contributions, and asking to be recognized, if that's our desire, does not automatically make us egoistical. I’d like to think it makes us self-aware. I will go so far as to say if you are able, why depend on others to validate your role?

Most of us will not ask for something beyond our financial reach. How could our mama hearts even do so? Do you want a bouquet of flowers? Do you want a massage? Do you want a day when you don’t have to make decisions? Do you want shopping money? Say it. Make it clear. Don't be embarrassed if you know what you want.

If anything, it may even save the people around you the trouble of having to guess what’s on your mind. And it can save your family from the possibility of high expectations that turns into disappointment.

Please don't believe the lie that asking for something you want makes it less special. Dapat alam na nila? Last I checked, even couples who have been married for several years still haven't developed the ability to read minds. If they know what you want, that's great! If they can't figure it out, please don't think they don't love you. 

So tomorrow, and perhaps for the rest of May and your motherhood, this is my wish for you: Give yourself a little more credit, mama. This isn’t an advocacy for pomp, we are still Filipina mothers after all. Allow yourself to feel good about what you’ve done, because you know the work you’ve put into your kids and your family. And if you want to celebrate it and know exactly what you want, spell it out. Please don’t wait and bank on others to tell you you’re amazing.

But just in case you don’t believe it yet, allow me to nudge in that direction—Mama, you are enough. Your flawed motherhood is worth celebrating. Don’t be afraid to ask. You are worth it, every day of the year.

Ronna Capili Bonifacio is the editor-in-chief of Smart Parenting. This Mother's Day, she asked not to have to line up at a restaurant to celebrate.