'Children Must Never Work For Our Love,' And Other Thoughts On What A Parent's Love Should Be

Parents would always say, "walang kapantay ang pagmamahal ko sa (mga) anak ko." Most of us grew up understanding that our parents have sacrificed a lot, considering it their utmost expression of love for us. However, there are circumstances where their sacrifices are highlighted so much that they become a banner in the household. Expectations are placed on children, turning into deep-seated pressure to excel, causing them to grow up anxious and full of self-doubt.

Unconditional love is powerful and integral to a child’s well-being. When parents express love for their children, it naturally becomes their internal compass in navigating this complex world. But how do we truly know if we are giving unconditional love to our kids? Do we demand excellence from them before offering the best kind of love?

What does it mean to give unconditional love to your children? Here are several pieces of advice from psychologists, authors, and other experts about parental love that might resonate with you.

Are we loving our kids enough? Experts' advice

"One of the most priceless gifts you can give your children is your ability to truly see who they are in their essence and allow space for this to thrive." – Dr. Shefali Tsabary

Admittedly, it's unavoidable to drop our expectations as parents; we're only human, after all. However, seeing and accepting your child for who they truly are, emphasizing their good behavior without shaming their shortcomings, will nurture their growth.

According to Dr. Gabor Maté, "Ways have to be found to convey the unacceptability of certain behaviors without making the child herself feel unaccepted. She has to be able to bring her unrest, her least likable characteristics to the parent and still receive the parent's absolutely satisfying, security-inducing unconditional love. A child needs to experience enough security, enough unconditional love, for the required shift of energy to occur."

At the end of the day, they are their own person, and we, as parents, can only be their guiding light.

"Children must never work for our love; they must rest in it." —Dr. Gordon Neufeld

As parents, we should be their refuge, not a source of fear. It is our responsibility to foster an environment where children know that if they ever get into trouble or if they don't feel safe, they won't hide it from their parents because they know their home is a safe space. Children also shouldn't have to work hard to earn our approval or love. If children grow up seeking external validation, their self-esteem will always depend on others' opinions. If we instill self-validation, they will have a sense of belonging not only to their family but also to themselves.

"True love begins when nothing is looked for in return." —Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Our kids don't owe us anything. Our sacrifices don't have to be repaid. This notion about sacrifice and giving back because of pressure is a generational burden that needs to be quashed. We raise kids not to help us get out of a rut, but because we are building a generation where they are not burdened by guilt and the past, and where they can carve their own path. Unconditional love isn't tainted with expectations; we just give it to them, readily, no matter what. After all, if we raise good people, gratitude will naturally emanate from them.

"If our children are to approve of themselves, they must see that we approve of ourselves." —Maya Angelou

It always starts with us. The greatest treasure we can pass down to the next generation is recognizing that we need to heal to become emotionally well-adjusted and mentally resilient as a person. If we are already at that stage, then we are setting the benchmark for our children. If we are in the stage of healing, then we are also setting the best example for them that it is never too late. Children are forgiving, and their growth and understanding are dynamic. As parents, modeling courage under vulnerability will guide them in becoming resilient. Modeling self-validation will guide our children to become confident individuals ready to take their place in the world.

"Unconditional love doesn’t mean being permissive. It involves setting appropriate boundaries and providing guidance with empathy and understanding. Discipline is seen as a way to teach rather than punish." —Four Columns of a Balanced Life

Showing our children that we need to maintain boundaries is a form of respect, and showing respect is a sign of love. It's our responsibility to harp on what's morally right. However, it's baffling when we disguise corporal punishment as an expression of love because hitting is and will never be a form of love. Discipline should be a teaching moment, not punishment, and doing it with empathy is an expression of love. Respecting our children's boundaries and apologizing if we cross them is a sign of love. Consistency is key in discipline, and modeling this behavior makes it more lasting for our children.

Unconditional love is daunting. We're confronted with set beliefs passed down from generation to generation about how children and parents are expected to be. However, parenting isn't one-size-fits-all. It varies based on background and culture, but unconditional love is universal. It's reverberating and unapologetic. It's revolutionary that parents in this day and age are choosing to instill values that lead to the best version of themselves and their kids, without hidden agendas, without expectations, just because, and just out of true love.

This mom loves her kids more than anything else in the world. But she has a confession. Read here.