Parenting When Working Away From Home–‘Not Easy But We Can Make It Work’

People who work as emergency responders, police officers, soldiers, and the like regularly leave their families behind to go to far-off places hit by disaster or conflict, often not knowing when they will return. These jobs are tough, but when you add the challenge of parenting–especially with young children–one has to wonder: How do they cope? How do they do it?

When work takes a parent away from the family

This is something my family and I have had to figure out over the past few years. I’m not an emergency responder; I don’t have to hop on a plane or a boat to rescue people in the middle of a disaster. However, I work for an international NGO providing emergency medical aid, and this is part of the job I signed up for: going where the needs are greatest, sometimes at a moment’s notice, often to places remote in terms of both geography and culture.

In 2022, I joined our emergency response team in Mindanao, where island communities had been ravaged by Typhoon Odette. Later that year, I visited our project in Marawi, where we were supporting communities that had been displaced by the 2017 siege.

But those were only week-long trips. In 2023, I received my longest assignment: one month in Bangladesh. It would be the longest I would be away from my family.

On the morning of my departure, my husband and my son drove me to the airport. When we got there, my son, Lucas, grabbed my arm and wouldn’t let me get out of the car.

“Don’t go, Meemee,” he said, near tears.

I would only be gone for a month, but my anxiety in anticipation of my trip was through the roof. I’m sure every parent who has had to leave their family behind has had the same worries I did in the months and weeks leading up to my departure.

I was worried that Lucas would cry all the time, that he wouldn’t sleep. I was worried that my husband wouldn’t eat vegetables. I was worried about how my son’s schooling would be affected. I was worried about my husband having to juggle work and chores and parenting by himself. I was worried about how he would get groceries or have the house cleaned. And what if there was an emergency?

"The truth is that I love both my job and my family very much, and I’m grateful to have a husband who supports my work and takes pride and joy in caring for our son."-Regina Layug Rosero

Here are a few of the things we did to cope.

We scheduled visits with friends and relatives to give Lucas something to look forward to. My mom and my brother made plans to visit, and so did my son’s ninong. They went to the birthday party of Lucas’ friend, and he was so happy to choose a gift for her, to choose a gift bag, to write on the card.

We scheduled video calls, which were a bit of a challenge. Though the time difference between Dhaka and Manila was only two hours, it meant that Lucas and my husband would be having dinner while I was still at work, and that they would be getting ready for bed while I was still eating. Sometimes they waited up for me, and we would spend time talking about our day and what we had planned for the next day. I moved around a lot during my trip, so during these calls I would show Lucas where I slept, what the bathroom looked like, even the view from my window.

Video calls weren’t always possible because sometimes I was so tired that I passed out before we could call, or I would be out late. So, we sent each other video and voice messages instead. Lucas sent me good morning messages every day, and good night messages every night. I took videos of the places where I went, the food I ate, even the vehicles I rode.

Lucas wanted to come with me to Bangladesh, but of course it wasn’t possible. So instead, I asked him to lend me a small plush toy that would fit in my bag, and I would take pictures of his toy wherever I went. He lent me Wampy, a stuffed Wampa from Star Wars, and I took pictures of him in Singapore’s Changi airport, in our office in Dhaka, at the refugee camps at Cox’s Bazar, and everywhere I went. I told Lucas, maybe Wampy can tell him stories when we get home.

"In the future, I may be gone for longer assignments, or my husband may take longer trips. It won’t be easy, but we can make it work."-Regina Layug Rosero

Working in an emergency organization sometimes means I’m not sure when I can go home, or where I’m going to stay. Some of the places where we work don’t have decent Internet access or mobile data signals.

In Bangladesh, I wasn’t always sure how long I would stay in one city or another, and my schedule changed from day to day. It wasn’t easy, and I often missed Lucas and my husband.

Some people might ask why I continue to work in a job with so much uncertainty, and why I would choose to leave my family behind. The truth is that I love both my job and my family very much, and I’m grateful to have a husband who supports my work and takes pride and joy in caring for our son.

Just this year, it was my husband’s turn. He left for a week-long trip to Taiwan. In preparation, we did many of the same things that we had done before I left for Bangladesh: video messages and video calls, visits, and regularly sharing what we were doing and where we were going.

These things help us realize that parenting is a partnership and that it takes work. It’s not always easy or fun but we work together and we manage.

In the future, I may be gone for longer assignments, or my husband may take longer trips. It won’t be easy, but we can make it work.

Read here to learn how to manage separation anxiety in preschoolers.