Having a baby is a challenge in itself, and if you have to do it in front of all your family members and friends, you’re bound to find yourself in situations that aren’t necessarily the most pleasant. Everyone has an opinion about you and your mothering skills, and you’re likely to feel a little embarrassed and perhaps, even irritated by all the fuss.
But as part of the culture that is distinctly Pinoy, you have to remember that those around you really just want to help you out and give their support—whether to your liking or not. So for these situations, we asked the advice of the professionals, Evangeline Alianan-Bautista, M.A., psychologist at Psych Consult, Inc., in Quezon City, and Anthony Ancheta, M.D., obstetrician-gynecologist at The Medical City, to give their take on what to say and do in these awkward moments.
“I am six months pregnant and people like to rub my belly ‘for luck.’ I find it irritating. How can I keep them from attacking my tummy, with no clear warning?”
Alianan-Bautista suggests keeping it simple and honest. Just nicely say, “I don’t feel comfortable with that.” If you’re in an office setting, word will spread that you’re sensitive about this particular practice, and people will ease off on the rubbing.
Dr. Ancheta says there really is no medical contraindication to this, especially in a culture that promotes the belief of “Swerte ang buntis.” But simply telling others you’re having a delicate pregnancy is enough to keep those hands off your belly.
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“I hate it when people make wild guesses about my baby’s gender. It always puts me in an awkward situation. Someone just told me I’m probably having a boy because I have no glow. Apparently, mothers who are carrying girls are supposed to be extra gorgeous during their pregnancy. Is there any truth to this? How do I react to such insensitive comments?”
“It’s kind of difficult to be pretty when you’re pregnant because there are a lot of hormonal changes going on in your body,” says Alianan-Bautista. The best way to get out of this awkward conversation is to just find humor in it. “The reality is, ang mainis, talo. So, just ignore! And the better thing is for you to find humor in your pregnancy. Mag-joke ka na lang para hindi ka mainis.”
Dr. Ancheta says carrying a baby male produces more testosterone in your body. This causes a hormonal imbalance for women, increasing the tendency for a woman to feel warm and break out. On the other hand, a woman pregnant with a girl has more estrogen in her body, making it easier for her to carry, but he is quick to add, “Being pregnant doesn’t give you an excuse to look lousy.” So while difficult, do try to pamper yourself a little bit. This will change your outlook on pregnancy and will reflect on your appearance and how you feel about yourself.
“I notice that people like to give unsolicited advice to pregnant women. I hear gasps when people see me drinking a cup of coffee or I get disapproving stares when I do something that’s supposedly ‘not allowed.’ But I clear things with my ob-gyne before I even try anything! Is there a nice way to tell these people to back off?”
Just be firm and say your ob-gyne gave you the go-signal to do these things which aren’t considered “good” during your pregnancy. You can say it in a joking manner. “You really have to find your sense of humor. You can also expect people to give you unsolicited advice, so psychologically, prepare yourself for it,” says Alianan-Bautista.
Dr. Anceta says, “In terms of caffeine, limit intake to one cup a day. It’s still allowed, but in limited quantities—the same goes for tea. We also allow patients to drink non-caffeinated drinks like herbal infusions such as peppermint or chamomile.” And the best way to tell others is by saying you got clearance from your doctor—who understands your pregnancy much better than anyone else.
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“I have an aunt who gets upset each time she hears I am pregnant. She worries about my kids’ future and somehow feels sorry for me. I am on my third (unplanned) pregnancy and I am afraid to break the news to her. Actually, I am embarrassed to tell everyone I am pregnant again as the age gap between my second and third child is just a year! I’m afraid to know what they think of me! How do I deal?”
“Many things that happen in our lives are unplanned. Even for people who plan pregnancies, accidents happen. And I suppose, fate has something else planned for you,” says Alianan-Bautista. It isn’t a must for you to tell your aunt, but you have to prepare yourself for her reaction when she finds out. The key here is not to be anxious about your condition despite other people’s worrying. As long as you can care for another child, then you have nothing to worry about!
Dr. Ancheta says there are no strict rules about you needing to rest for how many months before you can conceive again. An addition to your family can be addressed responsibly and properly.
“I have a well-meaning sister-in-law who volunteered to lend me all her second-hand baby gear and stuff. I’d love to borrow them as it would save us a lot of money, except they’re not exactly in the best condition. Is there a way I can turn her down without hurting her feelings?”
To avoid the hurt feelings of your sister-in-law, Alianan-Bautista suggests that you may opt to borrow some of her child’s things, but not necessarily use them. “Another option is, when your sister brings you the stuff, choose the things you want to use. And then, tell her, ‘I have very little space to keep all these. I can’t keep everything because other people are lending and giving me things, too.’”
According to Dr. Ancheta, there shouldn’t be any problem with using these things — as long as they’re in good condition. But bear in mind that you must discern whether or not these things are safe for your baby’s use.
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“I just gave birth, and family and friends are dying to visit and see the baby. We haven’t adjusted very well at home yet, and I am always tired. Is there a way I can tell them not to come visit yet?”
People are more understanding than you think, so reasons such as ‘The house is a mess, and we need to clean up first,’ or ‘I’ll plan a get-together when everything’s ready,’ are more than acceptable, says Alianan-Bautista.
“A lot of people are sensitive enough to this.” Dr. Ancheta says it’s better to be straightforward about it: We’re still trying to adjust and get enough sleep. And when you have a cranky newborn, you’ll really need the proper recuperation.
“I don’t want people handling my newborn. What can I tell them when they ask to carry my baby girl?”
An expert advice from Alianan-Bautista: “Your baby being held by others is all right in moderation, but if you’re feeling cautious, then advice those who are eager to carry your baby that he is the sensitive type and cries easily. This will turn off those urges to carry your little one!
According to Dr. Ancheta, you can say that you’re putting the baby down for a nap, or you need to change his diaper. These can instantly ease you off this situation.
“How can I get overstaying guests who visit me at the hospital to leave? Sometimes, I need to go to the nursery to feed my baby, but I’m dyahe to leave the room because my guests just arrived. And when I leave, they’re still there when I get back! What should I do?”
“Studies comparing Asian to Western cultures show that more Western women get post-partum depression compared to Asians. This suggests that it’s really because of the extended support from the family and friends that help a new mother cope with the change,” says Alianan-Bautista. In the Pinoy concept of hiya, you will find it difficult to shoo away well-meaning relatives. The best suggestion for this is to ask your husband or a close family member who’s with you in the room to be the one to kindly ask the visitors to let you rest.
It’s all right for you to request for privacy, says Dr. Ancheta. Tell your visitors you need to breastfeed, and they will take the cue that it’s time for them to leave. Breastfeeding is also very tiring, and it takes about 20 to 30 minutes to properly do this, so simply telling them you’re worn out is more than a valid excuse.
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“People like to make comments about my weight even after I’ve given birth. It upsets me when they tell me I’m still ‘fat’—and it’s just been nine months since I gave birth! The pressure to lose the weight is frustrating. Are there any diet tricks I can try soon after giving birth? And how do I deal with the ‘weight watchers?’”
Weight loss after pregnancy differs from woman to woman, and this is based on your genes. But what really matters is this: “‘Are you happy with yourself? Are you happy with the way things are turning out? Are you happy with your baby?’ If you are, you can just ignore what they say,” says Alianan-Bautista.
Dr. Ancheta says that breastfeeding is actually a sure-fire way of losing weight. People who breastfeed tend to lose weight faster, so breastfeeding can help pregnant women go back to their previous weight.”
“My mother-in-law likes to insist on her age-old practices when it comes to caring for our newborn. But her ways are really old and passé. In fact, they are no longer recommended by my pediatrician. My MIL has quite a strong personality and can be very insistent. My husband refuses to speak to her about it. How do I deal?”
Alianan-Bautista says, rejecting your mother-in-law’s suggestions is pretty much the same as not acknowledging her desire to care for your newborn! What you can do then, is simply just say what your doctor has told you—but make sure you and your husband have the same line of reasoning. Dealing with a mother-in-law must be done delicately, so you can also try this: “Out of the 10 things your mother-in-law wants to do, you can accept two or three that you feel are the least contrary your beliefs.”
Dr. Ancheta suggests that you can speak to your doctor about this. “Bring your mother-in-law to a well-baby visit and discuss these matters in front of her.” Sometimes, mothers-in-law need to hear it from the experts so they will understand. In turn, “we try to dispel the myths of child care right away.”
Photo by dizznbonn via flickr creative commons
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