‘Sandwich Generation Ends With Us,’ Reasons Why Parents Don’t Expect Their Kids To Support Them In The Future

ICYMI: Recently, the Internet has been abuzz over the topic of adult children supporting their senior parents. It’s a somewhat controversial topic for sure, especially with the Filipino culture of ‘utang na loob’ and family values, and the concept of sandwich generation thrown into the mix. So, should we dare ask this generation of parents, “Dapat bang i-require ang mga anak natin na suportahan tayo balang araw?”

The utang na loob culture vs. a natural part of life

The conversation appears to have been sparked by Dani Barretto’s podcast with content creator, Chardie B. On the said episode, Dani shared her insights on utang na loob and giving back to parents: “Yung utang na loob na factor is hindi ka pwedeng magkaroon ng utang na loob sa isang bagay na dapat nilang gawin para sayo. The other things maybe, like let’s say they sacrificed this to be able to give you this life. I get the utang na loob na factor. But kasi there are some people that uses that against people parang, ‘Pina-aral kita, pina-ganito kita, ganyan ganyan, so dapat eto yung binibigay mo sa akin.’ And I always say, that your parents is always gonna be your parent. Hindi mawawala yung pagmamahal at respeto mo sa pamilya mo eh. But for me, that line is like, goes beyond it. Na parang, ‘What? You’re my parent, you’re supposed to do that.’”

Award-winning actor John Arcilla also shared his views, stating, “‘Utang na loob’ and ‘obligasyon’ are wrong words ‘pag ang usapan ay mga magulang na ating pinanggalingan. Hindi naman talaga utang na loob o obligasyon ang pagkupkop o pagtulong sa mga tumatandang magulang–dahil ito ay normal at natural na duty ng mga anak. Kasing natural at normal nung inaalagaan nila tayo nung maliit pa. Pinakain, dinamitan, iginapang, at pinag-aral.”

However, John clarified that it would be different if parents were abusive or abandoned their duties, “Hindi na dapat nagiging issue ‘yun. Ngayon, kung naging masama silang magulang o pinamigay nila tayo sa ibang tao, ibang level ng kwento ‘yun. Doon lang siguro magkakaroon ng iba’t ibang pamantayan kung responsibilidad pa rin ba sila ng mga anak.”

Should adult children support their senior parents–What this generation of parents think

We asked the same question to the 100,000-strong Smart Parenting Village, and parent members shared their range of opinions, here are a few:

“That’s why while we still can, grind kami nang grind para sa future naming mag-asawa in time na our child can go on their own. Sandwich generation ends with us.”

Future planning and self-reliance

On a positive note, it seems that many of today’s generation of parents understand the importance of retirement planning to avoid burdening their children. Advocating for self-reliance, one comment reads, “Kung ikaw ay magulang na may pinag-aralan, may magandang career path, tumanda na may magandang savings, maraming opportunities na dumating, huwag na. Paghandaan mo ang iyong pagtanda.”

“Not a requirement, they can if they want. As for me and my husband, we’ve decided we won’t require our children to support us,” another parent shared. “That’s why while we still can, grind kami nang grind para sa future naming mag-asawa in time na our child can go on their own. Sandwich generation ends with us.”

Sandwich generation is a term pertaining to people who are responsible for taking care of themselves, their families or their children, and their aging parents. According to one research, around 47% of adults aged 40 to 50 fit this profile.

Perhaps, this generation’s consciousness and experiences related to the sandwich generation makes them more conscious and keen on financial and future planning.

Conditional support

Although most parents said that they don’t expect nor want their kids to provide for them in old age, several expressed hopes that their children would assist them if they encounter hardships despite their efforts, and that their children would do so not out of obligation but out of goodwill and love for family.

“Never obligate. Kung magbibigay ka, out of love and respect,” one parent said. Another shared, “In my case kung saan binuhos lahat ng magulang ko ang lakas nila para sa aming magkakapatid, 34 years old na ako nag-asawa, no boyfriend hangga’t hindi ko naayos ang buhay namin, sa awa ng Diyos, nakabili ng bahay at mga properties. I still support my parents financially at never sila naging burden sa akin. As a mom, I’ll do my very best na hindi maging cycle.”

Another parent shared her belief in blessings, saying, “Not required [to give support], but I believe in blessings. Kapag nagbigay ka nang kusang loob lalo sa mga magulang mo, hindi ka kailanman papabayaan ni God. Proven and tested noong mga panahong breadwinner ako kahit may family na ako, never kami na-zero.”

One pointed out that if parents raised their children with love and respect, then they will be the ones who will give back wholeheartedly, “I will not require them to give back. At I promise n hindi din ako manghihingi, tulad ng parents ko na never din nanghingi sa amin… Kung magbibigay sila financially in the future, I will accept it because I want them to know what it feels to give back to their parents.”

“Nasa pagpapalaki at kung paano natin sila [children] itreat yan, kung puro pagmamahal at pag-aaruga ang pinapakita at pinaparamdam natin sa kanila, for sure, sila mismo ay ibabalik ang pagmamahal na yan kapag dumating sa point na hindi na natin kayang kumilos para sa sarili natin.”

Emotional and other forms of support

As other parents highlight, support can come in other forms and not just financially. It could be emotional or caregiving support, both of which are also valuable ways to assist aging parents.

“Nasa pagpapalaki at kung paano natin sila [children] itreat yan, kung puro pagmamahal at pag-aaruga ang pinapakita at pinaparamdam natin sa kanila, for sure, sila mismo ay ibabalik ang pagmamahal na yan kapag dumating sa point na hindi na natin kayang kumilos para sa sarili natin,” another parent said. “Pero kung napipilitan ka lang buhayin sila [children] ngayon dahil wala ka na choice at umaasa ka na babayaran ka nila someday, huwag ka na umasa na maging magaan sa loob ng mga anak mo na kupkupin ka someday,” she further emphasized.

"As parents, we need to ensure na ready tayo sa ating pagtanda. Putulin na natin ang mindset na anak ang mag-ahon sa atin sa kahirapan or sila ay investment para sa ating pagtanda.”

Change in mindset

As previously mentioned, there is a noticeable desire among parents to end the “sandwich generation,” with most determined to ensure that their own children do not feel the same pressure.

“Let’s not burden our kids with this responsibility,” one parent said. “If we raise good kids, they will probably choose to look after us in our twilight years, but we should not obligate them. As parents, we need to ensure na ready tayo sa ating pagtanda. Putulin na natin ang mindset na anak ang mag-ahon sa atin sa kahirapan or sila ay investment para sa ating pagtanda.”

It is inspiring to learn that most parents aspire to have a more flexible understanding of familial support, one that respects the independence of adult children and their own future needs. This suggests a shift in mindset toward mutual respect and understanding, recognizing the efforts of past generations while also acknowledging financial realities.

Ultimately, the question of whether or not an adult child should support their aging parents will largely depend on the person’s financial capability, personal values, and family dynamics. There is no clear set of rules, no definitive right or wrong answer that applies to everyone. Perhaps the only thing one can do is to do what feels right, both for the family he grew up with and the family he’s nurturing.

Read here to learn how to secure your family’s financial future.