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Tigilan Ang Toxic Masculinity, Hindi Na Uso Yan Says This Dad
  • The following story came straight from the first-ever Smart Parenting daddy editor-at-large, and the man behind the DadbudPH Facebook community, with over 40,000 member dads as of writing. 

    Smart Parenting's advocacy, now more than ever, is to include dads in parenting conversations. We want to provide a judgment-free space where dads can voice out their unique points of view, whether majority agrees or not. Smart Parenting remains a platform that's  pro-parents, and that includes dads.

    Read the words of  our daddy editor Joey Ong, 43 years old, husband to Ciara, and father to a cute toddler named Joselito.

    Pare, bro, chong, yo, bud, ano ba talaga ang ibig sabihin ng Toxic Masculinity? We hear it alot now and it seems this is creating a discussion in some mom groups kaya tara, let’s talk about it. Ok, let’s be man enough to talk about it.

    As defined by our reputable source called Google, toxic masculinity involves cultural pressures for men to behave in a certain way. And it's likely this affects all boys and men in some fashion. Toxic masculinity refers to the notion that some people's idea of “manliness” perpetuates domination, homophobia, and aggression.

    I guess when you look at it from a cultural point of view, yes we as Filipino males do suffer from toxic masculinity dahil ganito tayo pinalaki. Well I guess from the generations that came before the ones we are currently shaping today. Napaka-macho natin pero takot naman tayo sa lumilipad na ipis. 

    From my observation, and my own personal experience growing up, spoiled kase ang lalaking Pinoy. We are bred and nurtured with the notion that we can get away with a lot of things dahil lalaki tayo.


    “Ok lang yan, lalaki naman anak ko.”

    “Buti nalang lalaki anak ko.”

    These are things we heard growing up and this is a result of the way our family structure was defined or set up. We belong to a patriarchal family set up in which the dad or the male parent is the one that takes command or so we believe. 

    Napaka old school di  ba and I think this is something that we have been addressing to change in the past years. 2022 na po, gender bias in the family is obsolete or something that is slowly getting an update.

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    With the rise of dual-income households and the introduction of the house husband, malayo na talaga tayo from the way we were back when only fathers were earning and sana tuloy tuloy na natin maayos ang pananaw natin. Again, education is key and understanding is the secret sauce to a more progressive way of life. 

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    Akala mo tama, pero mali pala. Surprise!

    Pero bakit ganun? Bakit ang dami paring “macho” or “feeling macho”? Especially in the context of the family. Maybe it’s good that we try to understand certain dynamics just to have a fair discussion of this never-ending drama and toxic conversations sa bahay. 

    There is a big difference between toxic masculinity and manning up. I realized that this may be the confusion sa utak nating mga lalaki. ‘Yung feeling natin na we are just acting like how we are supposed to, toxic na pala siya or damaging na to the relationship.

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    Hindi madali ang mag-asawa. Actually, there is no perfect marriage at kung meron man, swerte mo dude and kudos sa’yo but majority of us mortals, we go through the challenges of married life every day, from being patient, understanding, and appreciative. 

    Sounds simple pero hindi ‘to madali. There is a thin line in everything that we do and if we do not talk about it, it’s easy to grow confused. Akala mo ‘yung ginagawa mo tama, pero mali na pala.

    The last thing I would want is [that]... there [would] be a space between me and my son in the future.

    I have been married for five years and a parent for two years and still, treading through this concept of being the ideal male role model is a daily challenge. Hindi perfect ang marriage namin and yes, we do fight but we try our best. 

    I also got married in my thirties dahil like most guys my age, I am guilty of embracing toxic masculinity with open arms in my younger days. Uso siya or accepted nung kabataan ko. Parang ang siga or tough guy ay astig. Ang pagiging babaero ang lodi. 

    Hindi natin tanggap ang pagiging gay dahil feeling natin it’s a sign of weakness and we knew so little. We grew up in a time na “dark ages” when it comes to understanding many things. Parang nung `90s uso ang hate at buti nalang nahimasmasan na tayo or most of us pero sa mga hindi pa, maybe this conversation is something worth having.

    When I got married, siyempre iba na yung buhay ko, kumbaga tapos na ang good times and I have entered the better times of my life. Tapos nung nagka-baby kase, ito na talaga ang the best time of my life.


    Madami din nag-bago dahil may mga bagay na kinaliangan ko i-manage. Here are a few things I want to remind all you Dads reading this now. To my mumshies, sana makatulong ito.

    Daddy reminders against toxic masculinity:

    1. Hindi kasambahay ang asawa!

    This I guess is the most common beef that greatly demonstartes toxic masculity sa bahay. Marriage is teamwork and also, asawa mo yan kaya dapat mahalin mo. ‘Pag mahal mo ‘yung isang tao, show it in the way you treat each other.

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    2. Lalaki ako kaya ako yung masusunod.

    Hello, ano ba ang taon ngayon? 1940’s pa ba? Again, teamwork and discusssion dapat. Decisions in the household should be done with a proper discussion and agreement. Iwas away, mag-usap at mag agree. 

    3. Ako ang nagta-trabaho kaya puwde kitang utusan.

    First of all, let me remind you na hindi dahil nasa bahay lang si misis ay hindi siya nagtatrabaho. Full-time job ang mag-alaga ng bata.

    Pero kung pasaway din si misis, here is when you need to MAN UP! And this is a message to all the mumshies. We are working so hard to break the gender bias at home so understanding responsibilities and being a team is key. 

    These are a few things that I have learned when I got married and I think this applies to most married couples. Actually, basic lang naman ‘to. Be grateful, be sensitive, and be respectful. 

    When I became a father to a son, may mga bagay din ako na natutunan, especially now in a time when gender is something parents need to have a better understanding about. I have a son and in the world we live in today, ibang-iba na talaga compared to nung kabataan ko. 


    'Manning up is a much better way of looking at [things] than embracing the culture... we all grew up in where male dominance led to many toxic and unforgiving situations.

    Today we walk with our LGBTQ friends and we open our minds and hearts to understanding them completely. Baby pa ‘yung anak ko at two years old and sa totoo lang hindi ko pa naman ito talaga iniisp, pero this is also where toxic masculinity plays a major role. We grew up in a time that believed na pag “malamya” ka or medyo “malambot”, binubugbog ng mga tatay. This is clearly cultural and lack of understanding but also a culture of hate. 

    I want my son to grow up straight and this is something that I owe an explanation to no one but as early as now and with the environment we are living in, I would much rather he grow up happy and comfortable with whatever he wants. I think madami narin dads na ganito mag-isip. I accept and understand but I will not encourage.

    Kumbaga, there is a natural flow of life that we just need to ride and understand. The last thing I would want and this is my personal take on this, is that I don't want there to be a space between me and my son in the future. Ayaw ko na matakot siya sakin dahil sa toxic masculity na ipinapakita ko sa kaniya. Again, here we need to Man up and be understanding when the time comes. It may not be easy and respect from all sides must be practiced. #Respect

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    MAN UP! This is a much better way of looking at it than embracing the culture that we all grew up in where male dominance has led to many toxic and unforgiving situations. It is better for us to understand when we need to put our foot down in a manner that is more of “Manning up” than just plain being toxic. 

    We are Dads, we are Husbands, we are humans and we need to remember that life is unpredictable and the challenge of being a good person is not easy. We need to always be the best example to our children so our sons will grow up kind and loving their mothers and our daughters to be smart in picking the right partners. 

    Our daily task as parents is to lead by example and definitely, in our homes which we are building today, the concept of toxic masculinity from us dads is obsolete. Man up guys, and be the better man. It’s not easy but it will definitely bring out the better side of us and this will reflect a lot in the way our children will be in the future.



    The views and opinions expressed are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the offical policy or position of Smart Parenting and Summit Media.

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