To Moms Who Were Told 'Inuuna Pa Trabaho Kaysa Anak,' We See You

Ang kwentong ito ay hango sa isang tunay na #SPConfessions na ipinadala sa amin sa Smart Parenting Village. Ang ilang mga detalye ay bahagya naming binago upang bigyang proteksyon ang nagpadala nito.

"Hello, Smart Parenting Village. Gusto ko lang maglabas ng sama ng loob. Kumusta ang mga working moms dyan with house husbands pero doing side hustles naman?

Ang sakit sa loob pala ma-judge, ano? 'Yung sasabihan ka ng "Uunahin mo pa 'yang trabaho mo kaysa sa anak mo." Eh paano nalang po kami kakain? Nag-give way si husband para ma-pursue ko 'yung career na gusto ko while being a mom. Siya ang nakatoka sa house, doing side hustles siya para sa bills. Siya din ang gumagawa ng majority ng chores.

"Kahit ako ang working sa aming dalawa, ang ambag ko lang sa bahay ay pang-daily expenses namin at pambili ng konting groceries. Hindi rin naman kalakihan ang sahod ko, sapat lang talaga. Sa chores, paglilinis na lang ng banyo at paghuhugas ng plato ang nagagawa ko.

"Hindi lang siguro talaga typical 'yung setup namin. Sa mahal ng bilihin ngayon, hindi na pwede na isa lang magwork eh. 

"Hindi rin kami kumukuha ng kasambahay kasi, una, hindi kaya ng budget namin. Pangalawa, nakakatakot magtiwala. We had a family member na nakasama namin noon sa bahay, kaso ninanakawan kami. Imbis na palago ang pera, nawalan pa.

"Nahihiya lang ako sa asawa ko kasi sa dami ng sacrifices niya para samin, ang dami paring nasasabi ng ibang tao tungkol sa kanya. Ginagawa namin ang best namin para sa mga kids, pero meron at meron pa ring nakikitang butas sa kanya at sa akin. Bakit ganun?"

Moms comfort working mom who feels judged for her decisions

Parents at the Smart Parenting Village took to the comment section to comfort the anonymous working mom. 

Some advised her not to let negative comments get to her, as the naysayers don't contribute to their lives in any way.

Mommy Jasmin, a long-time member of Smart Parenting Village from Batangas puts it bluntly, "Wag intindihin ang sinasabi ng ibang tao. Wala naman silang ambag."

Eliz, a mom of one added, "Just do what's best and what works for your family. Keber na sa sasabihin ng iba. Besides, hindi naman para sa iba ang sacrifices na ginagawa ninyo, kundi para sa pamilya ninyo."

Mommy Fatima, who has three kids, meanwhile advises the mom to focus on their goals as a family, "Kung okay kayo ni husband sa setup na 'yan, just ignore them. Always choose the path na kung saan kayo mas magiging komportable at masaya at the same time."

Smart Parenting editors' on being working moms: 'All your efforts are not lost'

Gone are the days when mothers are confined inside their homes as the default parents who would care for and nurture the kids. Even before the pandemic, some jobs have adjusted to accommodate working mothers, with the belief that they, too, can contribute to the workplace, while being hands-on mothers at the same time. 

Such is the case for us, as editors of Smart Parenting, who strive to put out relevant parenting content day in, day out for Filipino families. While you could imagine us sitting in front of our laptops and churning articles with cups of coffee in peace, we, like any other mom, deal with criticisms on why some or most of the time, "inuuna namin ang trabaho kaysa anak."

Smart Parenting editor-in-chief and mom of three Ronna Capili Bonifacio says, "I observe only women are shamed for trying to be a parent while earning a living. If a male parent who provides and contributes financially is not considered selfish if he has a career, why is a woman? 

"It's painful to be told that you are not prioritizing your child when you work, when a large motivation for a working mother is her children." —Ronna Capili Bonifacio, Smart Parenting editor-in-chief

"For two-parent homes, parenting is a partnership. The responsibility of raising a child falls on both mom and dads' laps, working or not. Why isn't a working mother considered a wonan's contribution to the family in the same way that her care and nurturing are? It is false to think of work and family as polar opposites, that you can only have one or the other.

She tells moms, "It's painful to be told that you are not prioritizing your child when you work, when a large motivation for a working mother is her children. Each time I hear my own guilt, that I don't do enough for my children because I am too busy at work, I remind myself of the advice that I received from an old interview with Rissa Mananquil Trillo: I am the example for my children. I'm not just contributing financially when I work, I am also modeling hard work and discipline, a value which I hope to grow in my children."

Meanwhile, mom of two and Smart Parenting section editor Em Cruz admits, she hasn't received any strong criticism as a working mom. However, she personally feels she has shortcomings to her children. "Ako mismo minsan nagi-guilty when I'm too busy to work to help them with school, or may nakalimutan akong i-provide na need for school. But I always try to keep things in perspective, and remain grateful na the work I do and the company I work for allow me to be there for them most of the time."

"Always know that all our efforts and sacrifices are not lost on our kids, and at the end of the day, our relationship with them is the one that matters most." —Em Cruz, Smart Parenting editor

When it comes to unsolicited advice concerning work, "Filter and ignore. No one outside of my own family knows our relationship and our household. Plus, wala naman sila ambag sa expenses or buhay namin so they shouldn't have a say about it," she stressed.

"Kudos to parents who are grinding every day to raise and provide for their kids. Always know that all our efforts and sacrifices are not lost on our kids, and at the end of the day, our relationship with them is the one that matters most."

As someone who resigned from my long-time, regular job to focus on my child, and unexpectedly remained unemployed for two years due to the pandemic, I have learned that it's not only the criticisms that will get to you. It's your daily battle with yourself, your identity, and your dreams that will take a toll on your mental health. But these comments sure add fuel to the fire, especially when they come from the people whom we hope would understand us. 

To moms who chose to stay home so that they can be present for their kids, you are doing great. It must have been tough to arrive at that decision, but know that all your efforts are not invisible to your kids. They see you, and that's what matters. 

To moms who feel inadequate just because they cannot give up their careers and stay home, the guilt might sting and it might stay. Just know that as long as you are taking care of yourself, and trying to be as present to your kids and your spouse as best as you can, you are enough. 

We see you, as you log in and out of work, hoping there's more time and energy left in you so you can make your children feel that they are not second priority to your work because they aren't.

We see you, and we are here to tell you that it's okay not to figure out things right now because eventually, you will. 

You might look back on these days with regrets but know that it was the best decision you could make at the time. 

Still, know that your decisions don't make you less of a parent. You are the parent your children need. 

To those who may have negative comments and judgments of working moms, we hope you understand that there is no one way to parent. While some may have the privilege of help from relatives or child care services, others don't. 

Parenting is a work in progress, and sometimes, it gets really hard. So please don't make it any harder for them, or for us.

Working at home is a heavier burden for moms than dads, according to a survey. Read more here.