‘Maybe It’s Time To Reconcile’: Ruffa Gutierrez Is Ready For Daughters To Reconnect With Estranged Dad Yilmaz

Ruffa Gutierrez revealed that her daughter Venice wanted to reconnect with her father, Yilmaz Bektas.

The former couple have already been speaking and Yilmaz’s sister Kezra reached out to Ruffa to let her know that her brother dreamt of his daughter Venice.

“So, I told Venice, and Venice was, you know, quite upset. And she said, ‘Mommy, give my number. I wanna talk to him. I’m already 17 years old and I think it’s about time that we have a direct communication,” says Ruffa in a recent interview with pep.ph.

“Nakakaano… sobrang tigas ni Venice. Pag-hello nung daddy niya, yung alam mo, matapang siya, and then pag-‘Hello Venice, how are you… ‘waaah, yung talagang umiyak siya talaga. Talagang hagulgol si Venice

“So, I guess, nandiyan pa rin talaga ang pain sa kanila, hindi mawawala yun, and I hope one day they will be reunited,” says Ruffa.

Ruffa and Yilmaz were married in 2003 and in 2007, they announced their divorce. Their two daughters are Lorin, who is turning 19 years old, and Venice who is almost 18 years old.

READ: Ruffa Gutierrez On Domestic Abuse: 'Huwag Nating Hayaan Na Itrato Tayo Ng Ganon'

‘Matatanggal yung pain sa heart nila'

“So nakita ko yung pain. I think the more that they are able to communicate with their dad,  the more na mawawala, matatanggal yung pain sa heart nila.

The two have been discussing how Yilmaz can meet his two daughters, but both cannot arrive at a decision. Yilmaz has been asking his daughters to fly to Istanbul and Ruffa wants him to fly to the Philippines.

“So hindi kami nagkakasundo kung saan magkikita ang mga bata. And sabi ko, baka pag 18 o 19 na sila, sige, puwede na kayong pumunta sa Istanbul,” says Ruffa.

She tells pep.ph that this will likely bring healing to their daughters and and get rid of the heavy feeling particularly of Lorin.

Time to reconcile

“Maybe it’s time na mag-reconcile sila. So, whatever pain na meron sa dibdib nila, matatanggal na yun. Because, after all, that’s still their dad naman.

“Hindi naman maiaalis yun, e. Kumbaga, wala na yung tatay nila sa buhay ko, but there’s sometimes na naiiyak ako na bakit ako nasa ganitong sitwasyon like that. Kasi siyempre, may anak kayo, di ba?

RELATED READ: How Do You Move On From Heartbreak And Co-Parent With Your Ex?

Ruffa adds, “But I think may trauma man sila, they’re matured enough to know that life goes on. Nandiyan naman ang mommy at daddy ko, ang daming nagmamahal sa kanila.

“Kung may trauma man sila, matanggal yun.

“Maybe one day, pag magkita sila ng daddy nila, I think that’s the only time na mawawala na lahat ng pain and trauma.

Questions to ask before allowing your child to reconnect with an estranged parent

If this interview has made you think about whether or not it’s time for your child to reconcile with her parent, here are some questions you can use to guide your decision.

1. Is it safe?

There are various reasons as to why a parent can be estranged from their children. In Ruffa’s case, she has been vocal of her past that involved domestic abuse. 

Retired marriage and family therapist Christy Monson M.S. said to Your Teen For Parents “If the estranged family member has a decent life and is doing the best they can, use your best judgment about whether to allow your child a relationship.”

When safety is the issue, it must take precedence over the arguments and disagreements of parents.

2. How does my child feel about reconnecting?

Ruffa reveals to pep.ph that Venice wanted to reconnect with her father. How one child feels might differ from another, and that’s okay. All feelings need to be respected.

A parent's role is to “Help the child have enough information to make choices that will be good for them,” said Richard Horowitz, PhD, founder of Growing Great Relationships to the same online magazine.

Remember that your issues are personal and should not influence your child’s decision. “Accept that your own estrangement is not a sufficient reason to prevent your teen from engaging in a relationship with the family member,” says Your Teen For Parents.

On the flip side, if your child is not ready to reconcile, ask respectfully and hear them out. Statements such as “Tatay mo pa rin yan” may invalidate their feelings. Give them the space to navigate and “don’t interfere with the progress of the relationship.” 

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3. What is the intention for reconnecting?

Maybe the estranged parent has turned a new leaf and wants to make up for the lost time. Or perhaps the present parent feels the estranged parent can now be trusted, or maybe even that the children are now old enough to make their own decisions.

Whatever the reason may be, thinking through everyone’s intentions (both parents, children) can setup the reconciliation to be more peaceful on all fronts.

“Get clear on why it’s so important for you to connect now and how things have changed since you first became estranged,” advises Very Well Family.

"Doing so will help you move forward with better clarity about your goals.

4. What are the expectations?

Try to think of what you hope to happen with the reconnection. Is it allowing the child and the estranged parent to have an ongoing relationship?

Will the reconciliation mean co-parenting is now on the table? Are you expecting support from the estranged parent?

Thinking about the scenarios the present parent is comfortable with can determine what happens after the reconnection and avoid misunderstandings. 

Be clear about your hopes and what can be expected of you. Talk to your child/children about theirs, and allow the estranged parent to set his own.

Going slow and steady can prevent misinterpretation.