‘Uwi Ba Ng Matinong Babae ‘Yan?’ And Other Things We Should Stop Telling Our Daughters

“Mukha kang baby bonjing,” was the line I almost blurted out when I saw my eldest daughter dressed in a pair of shorts, long socks, and platform sneakers.

Take note: almost. I stopped myself just in time and reconsidered, remembering that time when my lolo made a remark on me being “maarte” when I bought and wore sunglasses during the time when sunglasses became fashionable. Or when my kuya, a cousin, would comment similarly whenever I wore something too “girly” or “uso.”

Perhaps these experiences are the reason why I decided to leave most of my daughter’s fashion choices up to her. Communicating with our children, especially our daughters, shapes their perceptions, beliefs, and self-esteem. The seemingly “harmless” comments we make about their appearance, choices, or behaviors can sometimes reinforce outdated gender stereotypes. The words our children hear from us can serve as their inner voice as they grow up, no matter if it’s over an inane thing such as fashion. I have to admit that sometimes I can still remember those instances whenever I’m choosing a certain top or dress to wear.

Considering this realization, here are “harmless” phrases that tweens and teens typically hear, especially daughters, which might have unintended consequences and should be reconsidered.

On appearance and self-expression

“Huwag mo suot yan, mukha kang malandi/maarte.”

“Huwag mo suot yan, baka mabastos ka.”

“Ang taba mo na, para ka na si [relative na ‘mataba’].”

Remarks focusing on appearance and implying sometimes unjustified body standards can inadvertently teach girls that their value lies in how they look or conform to societal expectations. Such statements can also be considered low-key body-shaming comments that can lead to long-lasting issues with body image and self-esteem.

Parents should instead respect and encourage a healthy relationship with self-image and expression, emphasizing comfort, individuality, and self-respect over societal judgments or expectations. We should make our daughters feel valued for their intellect, kindness, and capabilities, not their looks.

We should also avoid statements that somewhat blames our daughters for the actions of others, such as receiving sexually-charged comments or even harassment just because they chose to dress in a certain way. Instead, we should teach children the importance of respect for everyone, regardless of their appearance or what they are wearing.

On gender roles and expectations

“Dapat matuto ka sa gawaing bahay dahil babae ka.”

“Ka-babae mong tao pero magaslaw/brusko ka gumalaw.”

“Pang-lalake lang yang course/work na yan, pili ka ng iba.”

“Uwi ba ng matinong babae yan?”

“Bawal mag-bike ang mga batang babae.”

These and other similar statements enforce outdated gender roles, limit aspirations, and restrict activities based on gender. It’s 2024, and we’ve had decades of girls and women proving these stereotypes wrong. So telling this new generation of girls that their interests or behaviors are not “feminine” enough can stifle her personal growth and is simply illogical.

Instead of enforcing gender norms, parents should instead promote the idea that skills, interests, and professions are not gender-specific. We should encourage our children, regardless of gender, to explore, learn, and pursue their passions, whether it’s in the realm of STEM, sports, or the arts. Sharing stories of women who have excelled in various fields can inspire our daughters to break traditional barriers.

Parents of boys can also help by raising their sons to be respectful of women via children's books that explains women's rights, such as Vashti Harrison's Think One, Little One. Dads can also set a good example to their sons by treating the women in his life with respect.

On abilities and independence

“Hindi mo kaya yan, babae ka.”

“Hindi mo pwede gawin yan, babae ka.”

“You’re too smart. Boys don’t like smart girls.”

“Girls, let the boys protect you / fight for you.”

“Girls, don’t do [this] because you might hurt your soft hands.”

Such phrases not only underestimate a girl’s capabilities but also suggest that their worth or acceptability depends on male approval or standards. Enforcing the thought that “female” is the weaker sex in terms of abilities and roles can again limit personal development and promote a dependency mindset, clashing with the reality of strong female role models available today.

Affirming our daughters’ strengths, intellect, and ability to overcome challenges is essential. Encouraging self-reliance and critical thinking prepares them for success, valuing intelligence and resilience in girls teaches respect for these qualities, promoting equitable relationships and environments. Goals should be based on interest and capability, not gender.

On social interactions

“Crush ka nun kaya nagpapapansin sa iyo, kaya inaasar/binubully ka.”

Aside from being a dismissive statement, telling this to our daughters can trivialize bullying and teach them to misinterpret disrespect or aggressive behavior as affection. This can potentially affect their perception of healthy relationships and boundaries.

We should instead foster open discussions about respect, consent, and boundaries. Educating our daughters on recognizing and rejecting toxic behaviors and understanding the importance of mutual respect in relationships empowers them to establish healthy connections and relationships. We should emphasize that affection and respect are demonstrated through kindness and mutual respect, and not with hostility or belittlement.

Ultimately, our words can significantly impact our children. As psychologist Melanie Greenberg, Ph.D. puts it: we say it, our child believes it. Our words can either limit them or empower them. By consciously choosing words that support their growth and self-worth, we play a crucial role in helping them navigate a world where they feel capable and valued. Let’s nurture strong and independent daughters who boldly pursue their dreams, unhindered by gender stereotypes and societal limitations.

With this conscious approach, we not only meet the immediate goal of fostering self-assurance and resilience in our daughters but also contribute to a broader cultural shift towards equality and respect for all genders.

In the case of my daughter’s shorts and long socks, she doesn’t even know who Bonjing is anyway. And as this mom later finds out, long socks are very much in.

Read here to learn more about raising daughters.