“Gusto Ko Sana Baby Girl”: How To Cope With Gender Disappointment

With recent news of celebrities either getting pregnant or giving birth, these are exciting times for moms-to-be as they share the same kind of festive and jubilant spirit. Historically, parents and families would wait until the moment of birth to discover whether they were welcoming a boy or a girl into their lives. But the dynamics have shifted because babies’ gender can now be determined through scans.

But how many of you, moms and dads alike, have felt disappointment upon knowing your child’s gender?

Personal preference or socio-cultural pressure?

It is no secret that Chinese culture has a strong preference for boys in order to continue the family’s lineage. According to a 1997 article, Preference for sons: past and present, there is a long-standing belief that male children are more valued because they are seen as responsible for caring for the elderly, taking on physically demanding work, increasing the reputation of the family, and protecting the family's interests. "Couples with only daughters would seek a son-in-law to support them in old age. Rural families with no sons were looked down upon."

Historically, the same belief goes for most of Asia. In India, parents would often anticipate that sons are contributors to family wealth and property, while daughters are perceived as liabilities due to the costs of dowries (payment of cash or gifts from the bride's family to the groom's family), according to United Nations Population Fund. Additionally, sons play key religious roles and are responsible for defending or exercising the family's power, while daughters are viewed as needing protection, thus adding to the household's perceived burden.

In a study conducted by Clarissa David and Jenna Mae Atun entitled, "Factors Affecting Fertility Desires in the Philippines," interviews show that while both men and women indicated gender preference for their children, men who are eager to have more children often express a strong desire for sons, primarily because they want to ensure their family name is passed down through generations. 

On the other hand, women who desire a balance in the gender of their children often struggle to articulate their reasons, referring to abstract ideas like "completeness." This concept suggests that having both a boy and a girl is necessary to achieve a sense of wholeness, with the absence of one being seen as a state of incompleteness.

Is this feeling valid?

If you're feeling disappointed with your child's gender, you are not alone.

"My initial thought was that the sonologist made a mistake...The feeling then quickly shifted from shock to disappointment. Perhaps more profound than I had initially realized because I never really got over it until the baby was born."

This was how Jaga Aquino described to Smart Parenting his initial reaction when he first learned about his first born's gender. Daddy Jaga, husband and dad of two, currently working in telecommunications, shares his story about how he dealt with gender disappointment and denial noting that, "because I could not observe the baby’s gender directly, it still felt like it could be either a boy or a girl... Even after deciding on the baby’s birth name, I wouldn’t use it until he was born."

'This feeling does not in any way reflect your ability to love and care for your child.' - Dr. Levine, a psychologist

Contrary to popular preference for boys over girls, Jaga wanted a baby girl. He was born into a family of all boys so he knew that given a chance, being a girl-dad would feel just right. When his wife got pregnant, the supposed signs of a pregnant woman carrying a baby girl was apparent which kept his hopes high.

However, the sonogram dropped a bomb, "We came in for a regular ultrasound check-up in the fifth month, and that’s when the sonologist informed us that the baby was, in fact, a boy."

Experts say that gender disappointment is normal–even if not spoken about. Dr. Emma Levine, psychologist  and founder of Perennial Wellness, notes that gender disappointment is "very common" among her clients.

However, she emphasizes that this feeling “is certainly not a reflection of your capacity to love and care for your child.”

“I don’t care if you’re a boy or a girl, you’re my boy.”—Jaga Aquino's reaction when he finally laid eyes on his first-born

When Jaga was asked if the disappointment ever went away, he answered, "It wasn’t until the moment the baby was born that the feeling went away. I was supremely blessed to be allowed in the delivery room with my wife, so I got to see my wife give birth. When I first laid my eyes on that baby boy, the first thought I had was “I don’t care if you’re a boy or a girl, you’re my boy.”

For their second baby, Jaga and his wife agreed not to burden themselves with knowing the baby's gender anymore so that his wife could enjoy her pregnancy journey. 

He concludes, "In retrospect, God in His goodness knew exactly what he was doing, since if we got a girl the first time around, and experiencing everything we’ve experienced through pregnancy, infancy, and toddlerhood, we would have been perfectly content to not have a second child anymore."

For their second baby, his wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.

How to deal with gender disappointment

Dealing with gender disappointment can be tough on parents, as it often brings up complex emotions such as shame and guilt when a baby's gender doesn't match our hopes or expectations. Here are some ways to manage these feelings:

1. Acknowledge your emotions

Be kind to yourself. It's important to recognize and accept your feelings without self-criticism. Dr. Levine notes that it does not reflect your ability to love your child. Feeling disappointed doesn't make you a bad parent; experts believe it's a common reaction that many parents go through.

2. Express yourself

Discussing your emotions with a trusted friend, partner, or therapist can help you work through your feelings. Sometimes, simply talking about it can release shame and provide clarity and comfort.

3. Redirect Focus

Redirect your attention to the positive aspects of having a child of any gender. Consider the unique joys and opportunities that will come with raising your child, but also that gender does not limit nor define the joyful experiences you will have with your child. Find a reason to be amazed at the miracle of life happening before you—you are having a baby!

4. Give yourself time

These feelings often diminish over time, especially once your baby arrives. Many parents find that as they bond with their child, initial disappointments give way to love and joy.

5. Look at the bigger picture

Most parents say, “I just want a healthy baby.” And that is true. Remember that you and your child's health and well-being are far more important than your baby's gender. It may not feel that way now and that's okay. But if you're the mom-to-be, your health remains top priority so make sure not to miss your prenatal appointments. If you're the dad-to-be, make sure that your wife has your 100% support. Meanwhile, you can both focus on your baby’s health to ensure a safe delivery.

6. Connect with others

Join support groups or meet with mom and dad friends. Hearing from other parents who have gone through gender disappointment can offer support and reassurance. Smart Parenting Village is a community of moms and dads who can share their thoughts about parenting and ask for advice about ins and outs of being a parent.

7. Get help and support

If you feel like the feeling of disappointment is overwhelming, talk to your therapist about it. You can also find compassionate support from the National Center for Mental Health (NCMH) Crisis Hotline for topics on grief, loneliness, and parenting.

Contact numbers: (0919) 057-1553, (0966) 351-4518, (0917) 899-8727(USAP)

Planning a gender reveal party? Check what not to do in this article.