How To Decline Holiday Invites Without The Drama

Filipinos are known to be hospitable—friendly, welcoming, and generous. In the spirit of ‘pakikisama’ or harmony, even if it means that it will exhaust our time, energy, and resources, most of us find it hard to say ’no’ because the word "no" feels rude or inconsiderate. There’s this cultural sense of shame or ‘hiya’ and reciprocity, also known as ‘utang na loob,’ which makes us feel pressured to agree to things we genuinely don’t want to do in order to fit in socially.

We’d rather take the load kasi ‘nakakahiya’ or we fear being judged, ‘baka ano pa ang isipin nila.’

Also Read: On Utang Na Loob And Respect: Why I’m Not Demanding My Kids To Recognize Me As Their Parent

During the holiday season in the country, gatherings happen almost one after another. Either we are invited to join these gatherings or we’re being asked to host one. Even if the timing isn’t right, or we don’t have enough resources, or we have other plans—we tend to accommodate requests because we feel that the relationship will suffer if we decline an invite.

But a study reveals that we only tend to “overestimate the negative ramifications that arise in the eyes of inviters following an invitation decline.” It suggests that the host might probably think of it less than we actually do.

How to decline holiday invites without the drama

Holiday burnout is real. Nearly 89% of American adults report feeling stressed during the holiday season, according to a 2023 survey by the American Psychological Association. Reasons include not having enough money, missing loved ones, and anticipating family conflict—concerns that aren’t alien to us, Filipinos, when the holiday season comes near our doors.

'Women are particularly vulnerable to increased stress around the holiday season. It is women who shoulder the majority of the family burden for shopping and holiday celebrations and they feel particular stress from the time crunch required to get everything done.'  —American Psychological Association research

And not only that, mothers particularly are most affected by the holiday stress. Research says, “Women are particularly vulnerable to increased stress around the holiday season. It is women who shoulder the majority of the family burden for shopping and holiday celebrations and they feel particular stress from the time crunch required to get everything done.” Furthermore, New York-based psychologist Michele Goldman explains that the holidays are also stressful due to the pressure of being perfect.

She says, according to a parenting article, "There is an extreme amount of pressure we place on ourselves that the food has to be perfect and we need to get the perfect gift.”

So to avoid added holiday stress and pressure, how do we decline invites with grace?

Also Read: Cozy And Cute: Where To Buy Matching Family Outfits For Christmas

10 ways to decline holiday invites without drama

1. Keep it short.

In the said parenting article, Arizona-based licensed clinical psychologist Ashurina Ream says, "When we say 'no' to something, we also create space for a yes." She continues, "When we decline an invitation, this provides space for downtime or margin. It's necessary to create this space so parents are able to process the overwhelming sensory input that accompanies parenting, especially during the holidays."

Dr. Ream also reminds us that "no" is a full sentence and that we’re not required to explain further. You can simply say, “I’m so sorry, our family cannot make it to your party this year.”

2. Provide a reason (when necessary).

But if you’re asked by the host for a reason, keep your explanation short and truthful, avoiding excessive details or unnecessary excuses. By sharing a clear and concise reason, you allow the inviter to better understand your situation, which can make your decline feel more considerate. You can say, "I’d love to come, but I already have a prior commitment that day. I’m sorry I won’t be able to join you."

3. Recognize the effort.

Recognizing the effort the host put into planning the event or inviting you can help ease the impact of your refusal. It demonstrates that you value and appreciate their thoughtfulness. This approach shows gratitude for their effort, even though you’re unable to attend.

You can say, "I really appreciate your invitation and for organizing such a wonderful event, but unfortunately, I won’t be able to make it this time. Thank you very much for thinking about me."

Also Read: ‘Don’t Call My Child Makulit,’ And Other Boundaries To Set For The Holiday Parties

4. Express regret.

Expressing regret shows that you wish you could attend but are unable to do so due to other commitments. Just make sure that you’re genuinely sorry about missing the event. You can say, "I feel so sorry that I won’t be able to attend; I was really looking forward to it, but it conflicts with my schedule."

5. Respond promptly.

"Reply as soon as you can," says Dr. Williams. "Prolonging the inevitable can be stressful for you, and your sender may be waiting on responses to finalize their plans."

6. Keep it positive.

Dr. Williams recommends using positive phrases such as, "Thanks for thinking to include us" or "That sounds like fun," before stating that you have to decline. "This lets your inviter know that they aren't the reason you're declining and that you appreciate the request," Dr. Williams explains.

You can also say, "I know I can’t attend this time, but I’m sure it will be an amazing event! Wishing you all the best."

7. Offer an alternative.

Dr. Ream suggests saying, "This particular month has so much going on. I'd love to catch up when things slow down." Dr. Ream adds, "This helps to maintain your relationship and gives you both something to look forward to."

8. If you need to rest, be honest.

Sometimes, the most valid reason to say 'no' is simply the need for rest. Being upfront about taking time to recharge can be a refreshing and relatable way to decline. A straightforward response prioritizes your well-being while showing goodwill toward the inviter.

You can say, "It’s been a hectic week for me, so I’ll have to sit this one out. I hope you have an amazing time!" 

Also Read: 7 Ways To Make The Holidays Less Stressful For Your Child (And You)

9. Use technology.

If you like to attend but for certain reasons, you are unable to attend in person, offer to participate virtually. This approach shows that you’re still interested in staying connected, even from afar. For example, you can say, "I won’t be able to join in person, but I’d love to do a video call on the day! Let me know if I can!"

10. Offer a small token.

If you’re unable to attend but still want to show your support, offering a small gesture like a gift or contribution can be a kind way to stay involved. For example, "I’m sorry I won’t be able to join, but I’d be happy to send Juan a gift!"

Or if it’s a family gathering, "I’m sorry I won’t be able to join, but I’d be happy to send a bilao of pancit for everyone. Have fun guys!”

This response demonstrates your willingness to participate and support the event, even if you can’t be there in person.

Also Read: 8 Studios to Try for your Holiday Family Portraits

Saying ‘No’ and self-care

The ‘the act of saying no can actually be a form of self-care,’ according to Psychology Today.

It says, “Saying no to certain things can be an act of self-care by creating time or energy for things that help you feel better about yourself, your relationships, or your overall experience in this world. For instance, by saying no to an invitation (even if it is something you want to do) when you are stretched thin, you give yourself the opportunity to have more energy and less stress for the next activity on your schedule or for your important relationships.”

Do you know about the 'underconsumption core' trend and why holidays might be a great time to try it out? Read here.