'Am I A Good Parent?' Expert Shares Way To Deal With Parent Guilt

Did you know that we have as many as 6,000 thoughts that enter our minds everyday? What if majority of these thoughts are negative, can you imagine what our brains would look like? 

How to rewire our brains to think positive, self-affirming thoughts was the lesson for the day in Smart Parenting’s Happiness Class hosted by dad Edroy Lim with Happiness coach Michelle Tambunting and mom guests Grace Donato and Debbie Villanueva.

Michelle Lichauco-Tambunting, a mom to a child with special needs, obtained her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology from Wellesley College in Massachusetts, U.S., and her master’s degree in education from Harvard University. She co-founded the Young Creative Minds Preschool, as well as Happiness Class PH.

“Did you know that the things you think and say have the power to make a big difference in your life? When you say something over and over, you start to believe it is true and what you believe creates what you do and what happens to you,” assures Michelle.

“These kinds of thoughts and words are called affirmations. When we think and we fill our minds with [affirming] thoughts, we're actually rewiring our brains. It's never too late,” she adds.

Maintaining balance when stressed

Affirmations actually activate the reward circuits in our brain, expounds Michelle. Our brain’s reward circuit gets activated when we do an activity that elicits pleasure such as when we help ourselves to a midnight snack, when our spouses take over the kitchen so his/her partner can get some rest or eat a burger that reminds you of a good one you had previously.

Affirmations work the same way, says Michelle. “When we do that with affirmations, our brain can actually allow ourselves to decrease pain and it helps you maintain balance when stressed. I think that's so powerful.” 

Citing some examples of word affirmations, the Happiness Class share some that they would tell themselves: "I can learn anything", "I am enough" and "I love me just the way I am."

Dealing with parent guilt

Edroy points out that affirmations are especially important in an era of social media where many get their validation—or worse, self-worth-- from the number of likes and reacts they gets from their posts. “Sometimes we lose that (sense of affirmation), na tinatanong mo sa sarili mo, "Am I a good father? Am I a good husband? Am I a good son to my parents?" Edroy shares.

The Happiness Class guests also agree that positive affirmations can help parents like them handle ‘Daddy and Mommy guilt’ better. Parent guilt is real, says Debbie. Situations such as having less time to spend with children because one is a working mom or leaving the kids with their grandparents so you and your spouse can go on a vacation for the first time in a long time are all followed by that nagging feeling of guilt: “Is it right that we left our kids behind?”, “Am I spending too much time at work?”, “Am I missing something in my kid’s life if I am not present during his online class?” These are just some questions that can crush a parent’s spirit and sense of self-worth.

“We really need to think about the narratives we have in our heads,” says Michelle.  “What do we tell ourselves? How does it change our brain, the way we feel, and the way that we choose to show up in the world?”

How affirmations work

Learning to turn your unhappy or negative thoughts into positive affirmations is not only a great thing to practice, but it can actually work. In explaining how it works, Michelle says that when we are confronted with negative thoughts like "nobody likes me," we have the power to change it into a positive affirmation by saying "I love myself and other people love me, too!".

“This becomes something good and positive things happen,” she explains.  She shares that anyone can make up their own affirmation for anything they want to change in life.

Taking some tips from the book I Think, I Am by Louise Hay and Kristina Tracy, Michelle shares the following tips:  

1. Always start an affirmation with positive words, such as, “I can”, “I am”, “I do”, “I have”. 

2. Say your affirmation over and over whenever you think of it. 

3. Say an affirmation, especially when you are having a lot of unhappy or negative thoughts. 

4. Look in the mirror and say your positive affirmations out loud. 

5. Write your affirmations down in a notebook or journal, or a big piece of paper. 

6. Make a sign with your positive affirmation and hang it where you can see it everyday, like on your mirror or your bulletin board, or in the kitchen or your learning space. 

7. Close your eyes and picture what you want.

Create an ‘affirmation bank’

Affirmations when applied in our lives well can also translate to how our children affirm themselves. “What our children absorb is how we live our lives and what we do on a daily basis,” says Michelle.

“When they see that we affirm ourselves, they will affirm themselves.”

Anyone can start an affirmation practice by building personal affirmation bank, advises Michelle, and it need not be a solitary exercise. Spouses can also affirm one another and start with these lines which are best said in the present tense:

• "I am a good mom and wife"

• “You are such a strong and empowered woman/man”

• “I think positive”

• “You make people happy”

• "You are the best father”

•   “I am enough”

• "I make today great!"

• "I love myself just the way I am."

• "I am grateful for what I have." 

What affirmation can work for you today? Share it in the comments section below!

Watch the happiness class here: