Mas Makakaipon Nga Ba Kung Bubukod O Makikitira? Parents Weigh In

Marriage symbolizes the union of two individuals becoming one. The principle of "leave and cleave" stems from Genesis 2:24 in the Bible: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."

While we acknowledge that this principle holds value, we also recognize that for couples who are just starting their new life together, managing their own household, including finances and childcare, is not easy.

An anonymous mom in the Smart Parenting Village Facebook group asked the parent members why they choose to stay with their own parents. Common reasons include feeling obligated to care for single/separated parents, financial incapability, and practical considerations.

What does it mean to "leave and cleave?"

To "leave" means more than our physical departure from our parents' home; it requires emotional, financial, and relational independence from them. It also doesn't imply that we will be forgetting them, but rather making decisions solely between the husband and wife, prioritizing each other.

"It feels liberating kasi when you know you have the authority sa sarili mong household." —Mommy Andrea Claire Belen

"Cleave" means to adhere or join. In marriage, we're urged to cleave to our spouses, and make them our first priority. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, a Christian leader, said, "Such an act of love between a man and a woman is… a symbol of total union: union of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything."

A mom shared her experience of moving out, expressing the initial homesickness but ultimately finding joy in the independence, “Mga two weeks pa lang since bumukod kami ni husband and kids. Nagrerent kami ng studio unit. We want to focus on our kids, make decisions together, and handle finances. It feels liberating."

Benefits of following the leave and cleave principle

1. It allows families to be more financially independent.

Contrary to the belief that living with parents saves money, some moms argue that being on their own allows for better financial planning and savings.

"Mas makakaipon kasi mas may idea ka sa gastusin ng family mo," one mom said.

As someone who has practiced this belief since the first day of our marriage, I agree that you can save more. When you are financially independent, you will find ways and means to be stable. My husband and I could also decide where to put our money. It takes a leap of faith and a lot of hard work, but it's worth it.

2. It gives you a sense of freedom.

Mommy Andrea Claire Belen experienced living with her grandparents for about four months before giving birth, and to her, it was challenging not to be able to make decisions on her own. She shared, "It feels liberating kasi when you know you have the authority sa sarili mong household. Yung decisions, sa inyo lang primarily ng asawa mo. May freedom kayo to decide even over the smallest things compared sa nakikitira."

She added, "Less complicated, plus you get to be more intimate physically, sa communication niyo, mas ramdam niyo and mas naaappreciate niyo 'yung unti unti niyong binubuong family.” 

Many moms also agreed, "There couldn't be two queens living in the same castle."

3. It allows establishing new family traditions.

Moving out allows couples to establish new traditions aligned with their values, replacing any unhealthy ones from their family of origin.

"Pag kayo nalang inside your own home, you will be more honest with each other, showing your truest self to each other." —Mommy Flong Aragones

One mom shared, "It was very important for us [to leave and cleave] because back in the family home, we couldn't fully be ourselves, and even our choices were constantly questioned. We have very different beliefs and family cultures na hindi talaga tugma."

Honoring our parents can involve preserving valuable traditions as we build our own families. Nevertheless, fostering the growth of your own marriage and family connections is equally important. 

4. It promotes closer family ties.

Despite physical distance, leaving and cleaving can make family gatherings more exciting. It also reduces the likelihood of minor disagreements escalating into major arguments.

Another mom expressed that couples who choose to build their own homes shouldn't be afraid they are not cutting ties with their parents. Relationships will be better, and that will come out naturally. "It's nice when family comes together where relationships are unscathed. And it should feel good and safe when you have them around simply because that's what family and building a family should be," she said.

5. It promotes independence and responsibility.

Mommy Flong Aragones said: "[Pagbukod] was a mutual decision since we wanted to learn how to start our own and stand on our own. The freedom that comes from knowing that we don't have to worry about what others might think or say."

She added, "There were also greater blessings in learning together as a couple with God as your mentor. 'Pag kayo nalang inside your own home, you will be more honest with each other, showing your truest self to each other, learning to understand and appreciate each other more, kaya eventually you will be creating an incredible environment for your marriage and your family."

Another Christian leader, Russell M. Nelson, said that embracing "leave and cleave" requires faith and courage. It prioritizes the unity of the marital relationship over external influences. When guided by shared values and faith, the decision to move forward in life can bless not only the marriage, but also the extended family.

What are your thoughts on this? Join the conversation at the Smart Parenting Village Facebook group here.