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  • My Dilemma: I Caught My Husband Watching Sexy Videos. Am I Not Good Enough for Him?

    The mom, who has two kids, felt she was no longer good enough for her husband.
    by Rica Cruz .
My Dilemma: I Caught My Husband Watching Sexy Videos. Am I Not Good Enough for Him?
PHOTO BY Pixabay
  • Every pregnancy is different, and every pregnancy changes a woman’s body in different ways. For some, it can take a while to go back to their pre-pregnancy body and weight. While that’s perfectly all right, the pressure can take a toll on new moms. It can also put a strain on her relationship with her partner.

    A mom from our Facebook group, Smart Parenting Village, asked for advice from fellow parents after she caught her husband searching for sexy videos online. Below is the mom's #SPConfession in full:

    “Mga mommies, how do you handle your husband na nag-se-search ng mga sexy videos ng ibang girls online (artist, known people, sexy stars, mga trending na videos)? Si hubby kasi nacurious ako sa [Facebook] profile niya. When I checked it, sa searched videos, [he searched] sexy (name nung sexy artist), (name ng girl) in bikini.

    “I am a mom of two (panganay is 1 year and 8 months, bunso is 8 months) and I admit after ko manganak ng magkasunod, talagang tumaba ako. When I saw yung FB profile niya, I felt really sad to the point na ang baba na ng tingin ko sa sarili ko. Andun na naman yung mga statement sa brain ko saying na "I'm not good enough," or "He wants someone sexy.”

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    “Anong opinion ninyo sa ganito? Ok lang ba sa inyo na magsearch ng mga ganun si hubby ninyo?"

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    SmartParenting.com.ph asked the help of Rica Cruz, a Licensed Psychologist, Sex and Relationships Therapist, and a Sex Educator at the Ateneo Bulatao Center, to shed some light on why men (or even women) feel the need to search for these kinds of visuals.

    Dear reader,

    I am sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. Social media can be a real challenge for a lot of us, creating unreasonable expectations on how we should live our lives, and how people should look like. We are led to believe that celebrities look the way they look without much effort, and we tend to forget that as part of their jobs, they are required to maintain an image of beauty to always look sexy. (Not to mention that some of them get those expensive treatments for free!)

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    It is true that most men are visually stimulated, especially when it comes to their sexual arousal, but most women are, too! Having said this, in a sexually positive perspective, there should be nothing wrong with anyone viewing sexy pictures or even watching porn. Whether it is a means to de-stress, or a way to explore sexuality, looking at sexy videos could actually enhance one’s sexual self and pleasure. Think Channing Tatum in Magic Mike, did he not tickle your sexy bones with that sexy dancing bodddyyy??? Whew!

    If it is not deeply affecting your relationship, meaning you still have a happy marriage and a healthy sex life — keep in mind that watching sexy videos or pornography is normal. However, if you are feeling sad about this, it's best to let your husband know how his habit of looking at sexy videos is affecting you.

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    Try to make this moment an opportunity for you and your husband to deepen your connection with each other, both emotionally, and sexually. 

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    Approach your husband calmly, and focus on the issue at hand. You can ask him his reasons for looking at these types of videos. Listen to what he has to say without interrupting or being resentful. Try to make this moment an opportunity for you and your husband to deepen your connection with each other, both emotionally, and sexually. You may tell him what arouses you, too, and see how he would feel about it. Work on a solution that will allow you and your husband to both enjoy each other’s company more, in and out of the bedroom. And when you’re ready, you may even try out exploring each other’s sexual fantasies!

    Your husband is your husband for a reason — he chose you and married you because he loves you for who you are, and he will stick by you for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. You are now the mother of his two wonderful children, and you have the body to prove it — weight gain and all.

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    Women’s bodies are different from men’s, and they have a tendency to change when they become mothers. If you feel that your weight gain is also affecting your husband’s attraction to you, try and discuss this with him. Maybe you can explore ways for both of you to do things that would make you secure about his desire and attraction to you. What do you want him to do to make you feel desired and wanted? What does he want you to do? The best outcome would be for you to constantly be reminded that your husband still finds you very attractive despite the weight gain. For him, you are more than enough, and you are still one sexy momma!

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    Acknowledge his feelings without judgment and try to see how you may be able to address these without blaming yourself in the process.

    Recent studies have shown that happily married people often gain weight and a lot of couples still continue to have wonderful sex lives despite gaining weight. Though avoiding obesity is still a must to avoid health concerns, gaining a little weight through time in the course of your marriage is not a thing to be worried about. If you are still feeling insecure about your weight gain, tell yourself this: my husband loves me for who I am including how I look like, a sexy body will not make a perfect life, and I should stop comparing myself to others, especially celebrities. Maybe you can also look for ways for you to feel sexy again despite the weight gain. A little makeup, some lingerie, dancing to sensual music — these little things can help you unleash that inner sexy goddess in you!

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    Worst case scenario: if your husband does tell you that your weight gain has made you less attractive to him, and even worse, that this is the reason for his habit of looking at sexy videos, try to avoid getting more upset. Instead, again, work out a solution on how to resolve this problem together. This may include working out at the gym while he takes care of the kids, eating healthier, or going jogging or biking together. Do note that sexy time in bed can also burn those calories! So put that one on the list, too!

    Truth to be told, it is common for husbands to find their wives less attractive when they’ve gained weight or “let themselves go.” Some remember the brides they married, with fit bodies, well-kept appearances, and the woman who devoted more time to him. With building a family, a lot of these may change, and cause a husband to feel disconnected with their wives and vice versa. Acknowledge his feelings without judgment and try to see how you may be able to address these without blaming yourself in the process. Remember: you are loved, wanted, and admired.

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    Marriage is always a work in progress. Happily married couples put in a lot of work to keep the quality of their relationship great. All relationships go through rough patches, but with loving discussion and exploration of problems and setbacks, these patches can be mended and built to stand more wears, tears, and solid, hard-pumping love. *wink*

    Hope that helps!

    With love and lust,
    Rica

    Rica Cruz is a Licensed Psychologist, Sex and Relationships Therapist, and a Sex Educator at the Ateneo Bulatao Center. She is a faculty member at the Psychology Department at the Ateneo de Manila University where she teaches a course on sexual health and well-being. She opines that owning your sexual power is sexier than sex. You can catch more of her every Thursday at Boys' Night Out, Magic 89.9 and follow her at facebook.com/TheSexyMind and @_ricacruz in Twitter and IG.

    Do you have your own #SPConfession or a question you want to ask our expert? Email us at smartparentingsubmissions@gmail.com with the subject '#SPConfession.'

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