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  • Should Wives Initiate Sex? What To Do When Your Partner Refuses You Or 'Napilitan Lang'

    A mom asks a sex therapist why her husband doesn't seem to want to have sex with her.
    by Rica Cruz .
Should Wives Initiate Sex? What To Do When Your Partner Refuses You Or 'Napilitan Lang'
PHOTO BY iStock
  • Question: When was the last time you initiated sex with your husband? Sabi nila, sometimes girls should initiate for a healthy sexual relationship.

    Ginagawa ko naman ‘yun, pero nung mga times kasi na nag-initiate ako, na-feel kong napilitan lang si hubby. Pagod raw siya, antok raw siya. Pero nakikita ko naglalaro lang naman siya ng Mobile Legends.

    After nun, I lost confidence. Tumaba na ako after kong manganak ng magkasunod and naisip ko kaya siguro umiiwas siya kasi mataba na ako and not sexually attractive anymore. Natatakot rin ako na tanggihan niya ako at mapahiya ako.

    Tama ba ‘tong na-fe-feel ko? What can I do?

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    Should women initiate sex?

    Hi, momshie! Your husband is lucky to have a wife who initiates sexy time. Realistically speaking, not all wives are like that. Women’s sex drives are more responsive, so kudos to you for wanting to initiate sex and for making an effort to seduce your husband!

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    Yes, it’s true that it is flattering for gentlemen when the lady initiates sex. It’s a big booster for them and deeply affirms their self-esteem and their relationship with their wives. Confident and affirmed husbands tend to be more loving, and this, in turn, will bring major benefits to you and your family. Men who feel wanted and desired by their wives become more inspired as husbands and fathers.

    However, if you feel that your husband is just “forced” to have sex with you or “napilitan lang,” you might want to explore the reasons why your husband might be acting this way.

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    Why men refuse to make love

    Contrary to popular belief, men also get low sex drives from time to time. When your husband is telling you that he is tired, he might really just be tired. But sometimes, feeling “pagod” can also mean other things: he might be stressed at work, and would like to de-stress at home. One way to do that is to always play games on his phone, to get his mind off things.

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    Your husband might also be tired, anxious, and stressed from his new role as both husband and father. Priorities have shifted; you are busy with the kids while he has to keep up with the responsibilities of being a dad and husband. This stress may also lessen your husband’s interest in sex.

    How to bring the spark back in your sex life

    I am very sad to hear that you feel that your sex life is on hold because you have gained weight and that your husband does not find you sexually attractive anymore. This weight gain is because you brought babies into this world, babies that you and your husband made while you were making sweet, sexy love to each other. It is even sadder that because of this, you and your husband might stop having sex altogether — he’s not initiating, you’re not initiating — where do we go from here?

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    Mommy, it is best to talk this all out with your hubby. While it might be difficult for you to communicate your feelings without feeling humiliated, resentful, or demanding, you should still be honest with your husband. He is your teammate, after all. You need to work out a solution so both of you will win.

    Ask him why he seems distant lately. If he still tells you that he is pagod, ask him why and what you can do to help. Tell him that you feel that he is only napipilitan to have sex with you when you try to initiate sexy time and that you feel humiliated when he holds back. Tell him also, that you have lost confidence in your attractiveness because of your weight gain but you would very much like to still have a lot of sexy time with him.

    The best-case scenario would be that your husband will really tell you what is making him tired and that you work out a strategy to resolve this, with him making a commitment to fulfilling your needs in bed, not minding the pounds you’ve put on since your pregnancies. This might be the chance to widen both of your sexual horizons to spark things up again. What might he do to make you feel very hot and desired? With what way does he enjoy being seduced?

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    But, what if hubby tells you that yes, it is your body that turns him off?

    This would be a major letdown for you but we can look at this constructively. At best, he is being honest with you, and at least, you can now begin to work on a solution to get your body AND/OR your confidence — back in shape. We are now in a society where sexiness comes from within. And if you exude that sexiness, no matter how you look physically, then your husband will be able to smell it, and hopefully, devour it. Ask your husband for suggestions — maybe he has something in mind that you two could do together to burn the calories, giving you quality time together and healthier bodies. Just don’t forget, making love also burns a lot of calories!

    Marriage is much like the computer game that your husband always plays on his phone: it needs strategy, teamwork, effort, time, and a lot of heart to defend their bases. But, even the best teams get their bad days. What makes these teams the best though, is that after suffering defeats, they still have the heart to join forces and forge on again.

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    Love and lust,
    Rica

    Rica Cruz is a licensed psychologist, sex and relationships therapist, and a sex educator at the Ateneo Bulatao Center. She is a faculty member at the Psychology department at the Ateneo de Manila University, where she teaches a course on sexual health and well-being. She opines that owning your sexual power is sexier than sex. You can catch more of her every Thursday at Boys Night Out, Magic 89.9, and follow her at facebook.com/TheSexyMind and @_ricacruz on Twitter and Instagram.

    What if it's the children that's stopping you from having sex? Click here for ways to sneak in some sexy time even while the kids are around. 

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