Sakal, Sakali, Saklolo: Imagining Separation Marriage in the Philippines

Have you ever had daydreams of living the life you had when you were single? Miss the independence singlehood offers, but immediately mute that voice? As much as independence sounds terrific you wouldn’t want to leave the financial stability and emotional support a good marriage brings. But what if you can have the best of these two worlds? 

Enter separation marriages, which are becoming more popular in Japan. For married couples who want to uphold their connection to one another while pursuing their personal goals and interests, separation marriage can be a terrific alternative.

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What Is Separation Marriage?

In a BBC video, which featured a couple in Japan who followed this non-traditional marital set up, we found out that separation marriage allows a couple to live apart while still being legally married, in contrast to a typical marriage where the pair lives under one roof. This can be a constructive method to work toward a better life while respecting each other's lifestyles and ideals.

There are varying degrees of separation. Separation marriage shares this feat. Both parties usually agree on the setup for the distance between them. Some cookie-cutter examples of separation marriage are (1) The couple might, for instance, reside close by or rent separate rooms in the same apartment complex. A couple who lives nearby may go out to supper together, as well as on the weekends and holidays. And there's (2) weekend marriage where the couple only spends the weekend together.

But that’s Japan. After all, we have different values and social norms from them, right? Will separation marriage even work in the Filipino context?

Sakal: Is the concept of traditional marriage too limiting?

What are the disadvantages of kasal in the Philippines that will make you want to take a less conventional approach to marriage?

"Alam mo yung feeling na parang sinusuko ko na sayo lahat! poy nakakasakal eh, nakakasawa. I wanna stop wondering, what if.. I want to know what is.” Basha, One More Chance (2007)

We’ve all felt like Basha one way or another. Sometimes all a relationship could use is some space. Space to pursue individual aspirations. For Basha, space to grow individually and independently outside the couple. She loses herself in the conjoined identity to Popoy, afraid she wouldn’t know who she is outside of the relationship.

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Another reason to consider separation marriage in the Philippines is the tension that rises from the burden of housework and childcare and the social expectations around it. Studies have shown that South Asian countries have the worst rankings for sharing housework and childcare. [i] between males and women equally. Women spend roughly five times as much time as males doing housework and raising children. Separation marriage wouldn’t only take off the burden from women but also men. 

Lastly, there isn’t divorce in the Philippines. In some contexts, separation marriage is seen as a less drastic option than divorce. It’s a suboptimal solution, but a separate living setup is the next best thing a divorceless Philippines can have.

READ: Is The Filipino Family Ready For Divorce?

Sakali: What adapting separation marriage could look like

Let me paint a picture of what a separation marriage that’s built around loving and living apart could look like:

Picture a young couple, Sara and Joey, who has just gotten married and are eager to start their lives together. However, they also have their passions and interests that they want to pursue. Sara is an aspiring sculptor who wants to travel and gather experiences to inspire her work, while Joey is a passionate musician who wants to tour and perform.

Despite their aspirations, they are deeply in love and committed to each other. They decide to try separation marriage as a way to support each other's passions while still being married. Sara lives a block away from Joey, and she creates beautiful sculptures in her workshop, as much as she loves Joey’s music, she prefers working in silence. While Joey writes music in his apartment. He tours and performs most days so he prefers not to burden Sara with the housework his messy lifestyle entails, he also doesn’t want to be bothered by his wife’s sculpture-making with his music so they both agreed on keeping a certain distance apart.

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On weekends, they come back to their shared home and spend time together, catching up on each other's adventures and rekindling their love. They are supportive of each other's dreams and know that their separation is temporary. They are a great example of a couple who have adopted separation marriage with the thought of loving and living apart.

This is also how Smart Parenting Board of Experts member Dr. Rica Cruz would imagine separation marriage would work in the local setting. “It will give couples space to re-evaluate their relationship from the perspective of the self. It can also give them time to reflect on themselves and work on the things that need to be addressed.

She adds, “It will also break the ongoing cycle of resentment brought about by proximity from each other.” Dr. Rica also points out that the only way to make it work in an environment where it is a foreign concept is “As long as they focus on themselves as a couple and not what other people will say or think.”

On the other side of the coin, Dr. Michele Alignay would describe separation marriage as not a “real: marriage since it doesn’t involve a “real marital commitment.” On her Facebook page where she touched on this topic, she explained that “The goal of a temporary separation is actually to work things together as a couple. Work it individually then work it together.”

Dr. Alignay further emphasized that this setup is a “relationship out of convenience, not out of commitment.” She also doubts whether or not this could easily be accepted by Filipino couples. Driving her point further, Dr. Alignay said that separation marriage won’t be an ideal way for couples to resolve their issues. “How can you test the strength of the marriage if there’s no way for you to actually live together?”

Watch Dr. Alignay's full video here:

Saklolo: What can couples do to protect their marriage from separating altogether?

By allowing couples to live apart, they could each take on their responsibilities and create balance. It could be the solution when one-half of the couple starts having thoughts like “hindi ko na kilala ‘yung sarili ko.”

Removing the physical space out of the marital equation won’t resolve all issues and problems that come with raising your own family, but it could be a good place to start.

While it could be a great alternative for some, it’s definitely not for everyone. So, if separation marriage is still not the answer, how can couples keep their relationship intact? Here are some pointers to consider from Dr. Rica:

1. Go to therapy.

Even if you don't have pressing issues, going to therapy regularly for checkups can help strengthen your marriage. Don't wait until you're on the verge of separating before seeking help.

2. Focus on what you need to change about yourself.

Do not focus on how you want your partner to change. The only way that others will change around you is when you change how you treat them.

3. Be more vocal about the nice and positive things that you have in your marriage.

Constantly tell each other how you appreciate the little things that you do for one another.

This dad says this is the secret to a happy marriage–walang praning, walang selos. Read here.

[i] https://www.oecd-ilibrary.org/sites/4d0229cd-en/index.html?itemId=/content/component/4d0229cd-en