For many parents, romance tends to take a backseat to child care, chores, errands and career building. A few years into marriage, the spark sometimes dulls out and one too many times, partners feel unappreciated.
Dr. Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor for over fifty years, noticed a pattern in his counseling sessions. He realized that most of the couples’ problems stem from their misunderstanding of each other’s needs, not falling out of love.
This realization led to Dr. Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Since its publication in 1992, the book has sold more than 11 million copies and has been translated to 49 languages.
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The Five Love Languages
The five love language are ways how people express their love through words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.
Take the test to know your love language. Based on the test results, a person can know their dominant love language and a secondary love language.
'The chances of having the same love language with your partner is low, and the key in sustaining a relationship is bridging these differences.'
This becomes the person’s preferred way of being loved and appreciated. According to Chapman, relationships and marriages start to lose some spark when couples start to express love ‘in the wrong way’. It’s not because of lack of effort or falling out of love, but a misunderstanding of your partner’s love language.
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Dr. Gail Reyes Galang, the chair of the Family Studies program in Miriam College and member of the Smart Parenting Board of Experts shared her personal experience regarding love languages:
“My love language is quality time and my husband’s love language is acts of service. I like finishing all my work tasks as quickly as I can, so I can have dedicated time to be alone with my husband. Most of the time we are able to enjoy morning or afternoon walks together around the village or just sit and snack together on the couch while watching Netflix.”
The chances of having the same love language with your partner is low, and the key in sustaining a relationship is bridging these differences.
'When it comes to your own love language, don’t be hesitant to communicate what you prefer. Your partner can’t read your mind,' -Dr. Gail Galang
Dr. Galang shared how they differ in love language, “I noticed though that since his love language is acts of service, he would frequently excuse himself to cook a meal, fix stuff around the house, leave to do errands, etc. all because he wants to put things in order so that we won’t have to worry about anything.”
She continued to share how they bridged this gap, “If I didn’t understand love languages, I would have been upset because he never runs out of things to do, while here I am ready to pause and enjoy time together. So what I sometimes do is to accompany him when he does his errands. This way it’s a Win-Win.”
Working With Your Partner's Love Language
Smart Parenting asked Dr. Galang about some tips on how to work on love languages in marriage and relationship, and here’s what she said:
1. Communication.
“When it comes to your own love language, don’t be hesitant to communicate what you prefer. Your partner can’t read your mind,” Dr. Galang said.
Consistent communication is needed to know if you or your partner’s love language has changed over time, as Dr. Galang shared, “Know the love language of your partner and use that to keep his/her love tank full.”
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Discussing about each other’s love language and how the other partner prefers to be loved and appreciated can go a long way in igniting the relationship’s spark.
Dr. Galang also reminded, “Be aware also of your partner’s secondary love language and use that to prevent monotony.”
2. Understand love languages.
It is not enough to know you or your partner’s love language, but a deeper understanding is also needed.
Dr. Galang shared, “Quality time means undivided attention, not just physical presence. Drop the phone and really be intentional about spending time together.”
She also added, “Meaningful gifts have more value than expensive gifts that have no meaning to the receiver. Take time to compose a love message to add meaning to the gift.”
For acts of service, Dr. Galang shared a helpful tip, “Turn acts of service into a meaningful ritual rather than a routine. Preparing a drink for your partner to be shared while watching your favorite series will make you look forward to also spending time together.”
Words of affirmation don't always mean endless chatting, “But also knowing when is the best time to use silence to show empathy and oneness.” Dr. Galang continued, “Be generous with words that speak praise and encouragement.”
“You can never go wrong with a gentle shoulder massage after a super long and stressful day,” Dr. Galang shared.
3. Self-care.
Love language is not only used to better express love for your partner, but can also be used in self-care.
As per Dr. Galang, “Be sure your love tank is always full through self-care. This way you are not easily triggered whenever your partner is unable to add to your love tank.”
If your love language is quality time, make sure to find a few minutes by yourself to do just what you want, uninterrupted. Even if it means finishing a cup of coffee early in the morning, it’s surely one way of filling your love tank.
Marriage is not a walk in the park, and sometimes we just have to do something different to enjoy the journey.
As Dr. Galang reminded, “Have a beginner’s mind. Even if you’ve been together for so long, relate with your partner as though you are experiencing things together for the first time.”
Dr. Gail Reyes Galang is a member of Smart Parenting’s Board of Experts. She is the chair of the Family Studies program at Miriam College, where she also teaches under the Department of Psychology. She is currently the associate director of the Center for Peace Education. Follow her on Instagram @gailfrancesgalang
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