To You Who Married A Mama's Boy And Always Comes Second: A Letter From A New Mom Who's Been There

They say a family-oriented guy is a catch. Close to his parents and siblings, tito and titas and basically the whole family. But in my case, I moved out and left my relationship because of it.  

Don’t get me wrong, I like the idea that my partner is close to his family. It’s one of the things that I liked about him when we started dating. Naisip ko, I want that type of guy to build a family with. He will take care of us and love us exactly how he is to his family. Family comes first ika nga. From a perspective of someone who isn't tight with any family member, especially babae pa kagaya ko, it's the dream, right? I was  amazed kung paano niya pinahahalagahan opinions ng mom niya on everything. Take note: EVERYTHING. 

At first, it was fine with me because I thought it was cute and so nice to see how much he loves his mom. I would want to have the same bond with my children. But as time passed, I got pregnant and we moved in together, napapansin ko na OA na yung pakikinig niya sa nanay niya.

'Even little things na pwede naman na kami mag-decide about our baby, he still needs to consult his mother. What diaper we use, soap, milk and a lot more.'

I understand we’re new parents and his mom raised three beautiful kids. Pero nakasalalay na sa mom niya ang lahat. He can’t make his own decisions without his mom's say. Even little things na pwede naman na kami mag-decide about our baby, he still needs to consult his mother. What diaper we use, soap, milk and a lot more. He’s such a mama’s boy that even when choosing which shoes to buy for himself, he asks his mom.  

Tapos mali lahat nung opinion ko. Walang tama. Lalo na sa baby, even when I asked the pedia and the doctor supports me. Mali parin, kasi sa nanay niya siya makikinig. Ang lala ng pagiging mama’s boy niya. The mom doesn’t seem to understand na big boy na anak niya. May anak na nga eh?

Mabait naman tatay ng anak ko pero sobrang buhay binata parin. Labas ng labas, hindi nag-aalaga. Ako lang lahat sa baby simula noong nanganak ako. I’m a full-time mom and still working. Sobrang hirap, I needed help. Lalabas  siya ng walang pasabi sakin, sa mom niya siya magsasabi. Worst part is he does it weekly, going out from 6 PM to 3 or 4 AM. Pag tatanungin ko siya, “tulungan mo naman ako sa baby”, his mom would answer for him, “Hayaan mo na, minsan lang naman sya lumalabas.”  

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Nakakapagod. Sometimes napapaisip ako, ano ba talaga ako dito? Hangin lang ba ako dito? Why don't my opinions matter? 'Pag pinagsasabihan ako ng mom niya sa isang bagay and offended ako, sasabihin ko sa kanya and he would only listen. He would say “ganun lang talaga si Mommy, masanay ka na”. Palaging ganun. It took me six months before I decided to leave his mom’s house.  
 
Here are some lessons I can share if you have a partner who’s mama’s boy:  

5 lessons from my relationship with a mama's boy

1. Establish Boundaries  

It is important that you set boundaries and let him know that you will not behave like his mother. He can act like a boy with his mother all he wants but when he is with you, he should act like an independent adult who can take care of himself. 

2. Encourage him to take care of himself alone. 

Ask him if he wants to spend the rest of his life with his mother as the only woman in it. Because if he doesn’t start acting like an adult and taking care of himself without asking for his mama’s help, she’s likely to stay the only woman in his life in the end. 

'Ask him if he wants to spend the rest of his life with his mother as the only woman in it. Because if he doesn’t start acting like an adult and taking care of himself without asking for his mama’s help, she’s likely to stay the only woman in his life in the end.'

If she is in charge of his money, his health, his happiness, his errands, and his decisions, she is in charge of his life, and he needs to realize that he’s the one who should be living it. 

3. Ask him to stop asking for his mother’s approval. 

Your manchild needs to stop asking for his mother’s approval, both literally and in a emotional sense. In fact, he shouldn’t need anyone’s approval, unless the matter at hand affects the person he’s seeking approval from. 

4. Let him know that you need to be a priority. 

Let him know that by putting you first instead of his mother, he’s not giving all that attention to a woman who might walk away. He’s making himself a priority. It means investing in his future and working toward his goal of having a healthy relationship with the potential mother of his children (or the mother of his child, if you are like me), whether it will be you or not. 

5. Don’t live with his mother. 

Do not move in with his mother or let her move in with you. Again, do NOT live with his mother, even if you don’t have any other options to live together right now. 

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It would be hard to make decisions without having to hear what they say. Also, you are expected to honor their authority, being the elders. You won’t have privacy.          
 
He should realize that you are his family now.  

You two are building a life together. You and your children are now his immediate family and not his mother nor siblings. When things get difficult, you should be the first person he should run to and should always choose you as his wife or partner.