To The One Who Forgave Her Cheating Husband And Stayed: Rebuilding A Marriage Is As Difficult As Ending It

To the betrayed wife who chose to stay,

How are you?

Most people think that when the cheating husband comes home or ends the affair—it’s the happily ever after again. Truth is, the worst is far from over. The road to recovery is more often a long and winding road; with some detours and U-turns along the way. So I truly hope you have enough strength left to march on and move forward.

I soon learned that forgiving your cheating husband does not necessarily mean it's the end of your struggle, but rather a beginning of a whole new battle. 

In our modern world, it is now widely acceptable to leave the cheating husband behind and start anew. It’s almost putting an end to an era where wives keep the relationship because of fear, shame, and guilt. So I truly admire women who know what they want and what they value.

'Most people think that it’s easier to stay than walk away. Most people judge the ones who stay as weak and have very little self-respect... It is equally painful to stay as the healing process is just as difficult.'

But it’s what makes most people think that it’s easier to stay than walk away. Most people judge the ones who stay as weak and have very little self-respect. 

But I hear you.

It is equally painful to stay as the healing process is not meant to be linear, nor rushed, and the path to rebuilding the self is just as difficult.The reminder of the betrayal is in its physical form and you have to live through it every day, until you’ve fully accepted that the cheating happened and it can no longer be undone. 

It took me years to understand the affair and how much growth it can give you so if you’ve forgiven your cheating husband and you don’t know how to proceed, or maybe you think you’ve forgiven your husband, but are still full of resentment, or maybe, you’ve forgiven your husband, but you cannot decide whether to leave or stay—here are five lessons from someone who has been there, done that. 

Five lessons I wish I knew earlier

1. Stop stalking.

You don’t need to be updated with what she does every now and then. She knows you’re watching so she’s probably giving you a show. It might be real; it might be not—who cares? Her posts can only trigger insecurity, rumination, or anxiety. It’s time to stop worrying about her and start worrying about yourself.

2. Mourn the marriage.

It’s time to mourn the end of that marriage. That marriage is dead. That vow was broken. There’s no use holding onto that beautiful memory of what once was. Grieve. Scream. Say goodbye to the old you and old him. It’s time to start a new marriage. It’s time to pick yourself up from the rubble and become the best version of yourself. And if you have given your husband a chance, it’s most likely because he promised to become better himself as well. Let him do that.

So you leave that old marriage behind, because trust me, things will never be the same again. But it doesn’t mean that you will never find happiness again. Happiness and peace will have a new meaning this time.   

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3. Control what you can.

It is tempting to start hovering over your husband’s phone and controlling what he does, where he goes to, or what time he should be home, especially after the affair. I see you, I know how you feel. 

"Hurt people hurt people. So heal and stop spreading the hurt, once and for all." 

Trust is something that you build, you earn, and could not be easily restored to its pristine condition once broken. But having to trust him back is not your problem—it’s his. Use this time to channel that energy back to you. 

It’s your opportunity to control what you can. Acquire a new skill. Learn a new language. Sport a new look. Buy a new book. Find a new hobby. Create a new fitness routine. Connect with old pals. The possibilities are endless!

And yes, eat that damn cake!  

4. Heal from the hurt.

Your husband is accountable for his mistake but it is your responsibility to heal. 

It is your duty to yourself to find the happiness within. I was foolish to demand happiness from my husband and I realized that no matter what he does, it’s never going to be enough; it’s not going to make me fully happy. You know why? It’s because I made my happiness his responsibility. I hate to say this but it’s true, happiness is found within. 

Hurt people hurt people. So heal and stop spreading the hurt, once and for all.

5. Forgive yourself.

This is probably the most important and yet the most neglected lesson after the affair. I'm like a headless chicken aimlessly wandering around and feeling lost because my heart is full of resentment and regret. So please allow me to say this to you: forgive yourself.

And lastly, you don’t need to stay in order to forgive. It was my personal decision to stay.

You can forgive and walk away; that’s fine too.

The lessons I learned still apply to you. 

 

My heart goes out to you,

Maria