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  • Stop The Blame Game To Co-Parent Successfully With Your Ex, Says Psychologist

    When there is a lack of resolution in one or both parents, the children ultimately suffer.
    by Dahl D. Bennett .
Stop The Blame Game To Co-Parent Successfully With Your Ex, Says Psychologist
PHOTO BY Instagram/ajabrenica, kylienicolepadilla
  • When Kylie Padilla announced her separation from her husband Aljur Abrenica to the public in July 2021, there was an impression that everything was settled amicably and that both parties agreed it was the best decision for the family, moving forward.

    “Aljur and I are working on a healthy co-parenting relationship together for our boys’ sake,” Kylie said in an official statement. (Aljur and Kylie are parents to Alas Joaquin, 4, and Axl Romeo, 1.)

    Part of her official statement read, “We pray and hope that we will become better persons through this experience and will bring out the best in all of us.”

    Fighting in public

    Fast forward to October, and it seems the two are more estranged today than when they began to make their separation public.

    Accusations from both parties continue to make headlines in different media. Among the latest was a scathing statement from Aljur on Facebook, asking Kylie to tell the truth and tell the public “who cheated first” and “who wrecked our family.” Aljur claimed it was the reason he ‘gave up’ on Kylie. However, he later took the statement down on social media.

    In response, Kylie granted an interview to Kapuso Mo Jesicca Soho (KMJS), where she denied she cheated on Aljur during her marriage.

    “In my defense, while we were formally married, I never had any extra marital relationships with other men. That is my truth.”

    Kyle also added, “Paano ako magkakaroon ng oras, I was breastfeeding my second. Paano ako aalis? Kung gusto niyo ng ebidensya tanungin niyo mga yaya ko.”

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    When what’s supposed to be a private issue between two parties turns into a case of “he said, she said” in public, what is there to do when you are a parent? How can you overcome these issues? How do you even talk to each other when you are both angry?

    “Public figures may have different dynamics in managing their relationships. Yet, either it may apply to all that the more personal issues are denied or unresolved, the more it becomes more complicated,” says family psychologist, speaker, and author, Michele Alignay, Ph.D., Psy, RGC.

    “So this is what may be happening. Individuals tend to make one mistake to conceal some insecurities if there is also a seeming lack of clarity between the partners. If closures are set, non-issue ito,” she explains.

    Kids suffer the most when parents can't resolve things

    When there is a lack of resolution in one or both parents, the children ultimately suffer, says Dr. Alignay.

    “The emotional capability of parents to be whole as a person and then to parent their child [is important]. Pero kung sila ay broken, maraming remorse, hurt, and anger, [then] the child will absorb that especially when they are not admitting that they have all these [issues]. Yun yung nakakaapekto [sa mga bata],” says Dr. Alignay.

    Couples should be able to draw the line between the issues in their relationship and their role as parents, she adds. “Pwede naman na you didn’t work out as a couple, but you worked out as parents. So pwede ‘yun, na alam mo yung issue ninyo bilang mag asawa at hiwalay dun yung issue ng relationship niyo sa mga anak niyo.”

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    Accept your mistakes

    While social media has changed the dynamics of how couples — especially public figures -- in similar situations deal with the problem, the approach to solving it has never changed. It often involves a lot of acceptance and self-reflection and perhaps best done away from the public eye.

    “Accept your mistakes. That’s where you start,” says Dr. Alignay. “[There should be an] acceptance that this is wrong and maybe di kayo magbabalikan but apologize kung kailangan and reach out for the sake of the kids. Yun lang. Wala nang sisihan.”

    She says that it is also important to accept one’s weakness and contribution to the problem. “Reach out to the other party kung pwede and work out a more healthy and appropriate solution.”

    Having said that, Dr. Alignay was quick to point out that a problem in a relationship cannot be resolved by having another relationship, even if that seems to be the easier route.

    “Having another relationship is not a solution in any marital discord. Issues need to be threshed out on your own as mature individuals,” she concludes.

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