5 Reasons Why Children Lie and What Parents Can Do About It

According to an Australian parenting website, children begin to develop the ability to lie at around 3 years old as they start to realize that others cannot read their thoughts, allowing them to say things that are untrue without being immediately caught. Between the ages of 4 and 6, children tend to lie more frequently and become better at matching their facial expressions and tone of voice to their false statements. However, when questioned further, they often admit the truth.

But as they grow older, children's lies become more sophisticated and difficult to detect, as their vocabulary expands and they better understand how others think. By the time they reach adolescence, children often tell "white lies" to spare others' feelings and navigate social situations more smoothly.

5 reasons children lie

While there are many reasons children lie, the most common is to avoid punishment or be accountable for something that went wrong. Moms and clinical psychologists, Dr. Jordana Mortimer and Dr. Erin Avirett, summed up children’s reasons for lying into five types.

1. Self-preservation. Lying to avoid consequences or punishment.

2. Lie of Omission. Leaving out part of the story to avoid punishment

3. The Tall Tale. Exaggerated story that is not true, especially with preschoolers

4. The Social Lie. Lying to protect someone’s feelings

5. The Imitated Lie. Lying upon seeing example from adults

Non-obvious reasons why children lie

There are also less obvious reasons why children lie, according to the Child Mind Institute. We’ve rounded them up below.

To experiment with a new behavior. One reason children lie is because they’re exploring a new concept. Just like they do with other behaviors, they want to see the outcome.

To boost self-esteem and seek approval. Children who lack confidence might make themselves appear more impressive. This helps them inflate their self-worth and gain validation from others.

To divert attention from themselves. Children dealing with anxiety or depression might lie to shift focus away from their struggles. For instance, they might downplay their issues, saying things like "I slept fine last night" to avoid others worrying about them.

What parents can do about lying

Avoid scolding or yelling right away if you catch them in a lie. It's important to maintain open, honest, and comfortable communication with your child. Remember, children sometimes lie because of avoiding punishment. Yelling or scolding may push them further over the line and continue to lie some more. Taking time to understand the reasons behind a child's lies can help parents respond more effectively and teach the value of honesty.

If your child is seeking attention by lying and you feed the lying with validation, your child is getting set-up to lie even more. Instead, trim the issue from the roots so it won’t progress into a much undesirable state.

Additionally, Dr. Mortimer and Dr. Avirett lists down how to encourage children to be honest.

• Acknowledge and focus on truth-telling. Provide words of encouragement when your child tells the truth. Focusing on positive behavior encourages more to follow and teaches better skills.
• Give your child opportunities to build trust and state your belief in them.
• Let children observe your honesty. Avoid lying for instrumental purposes, such as lying about a child’s age to get a lower priced movie ticket.
• Don’t lie to encourage compliance. Such as, “If you don’t come with me now, you will have to live at the park forever!”
• Avoid setting up your child in a situation that pushes them into lying. Rather than questioning them about whether they did or did not do something, simply make a statement and focus on resolution. ( I take this is what happened, here’s what we’re going to do.)
• If it is an attention-seeking lie, it is best to ignore it completely so as not to provide your child with attention he desires. If he gets the attention, he'll keep lying to get even more attention. Instead, we should be filling up that so-called “attention bucket” so they get this need met in healthy ways.
• If telling a “tall-tale,” simply point out the behavior and have them try again or downplay the grandiosity so lying is not encouraged (Sounds like a good idea for a book!).
• Explain truth-telling in developmentally appropriate ways. By age 6 or 7, children begin to understand that bending the truth can sometimes prevent hurting someone’s feelings. However, it’s important to teach them how to be considerate while still being truthful. For example, if they’re not too excited about a gift they received, they can politely say, “Thank you, you remembered my birthday,” as a way to express gratitude without being dishonest.

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A post shared by Dr. Jordana Mortimer and Dr. Erin Avirett (@mindandchild)

How to handle lying about serious or sensitive matters

Sometimes children lie or keep secrets to protect themselves or others in situations of abuse or bullying. They might be afraid of consequences or punishment if they tell the truth.

How to handle it if you suspect that your child is lying to shield someone or afraid of someone

• Reassure them that telling the truth won’t lead to harm, and that they will be safe.
• Ensure them that you’ll do everything in your power to improve the situation

How to handle if you suspect that your child is lying deliberately and is becoming a habit: 

If your child starts developing a pattern of lying, it may indicate a more serious underlying issue. Consider seeking advice from a pediatrician, school counselor, and/or child psychologist if you notice these warning signs:

• Consistent dishonesty at home, school, or with friends.
• Avoids taking responsibility for lies or making efforts to correct them.
• Exhibits other troubling behaviors, such as stealing, starting fires, harming animals, or bullying.
• Shows no remorse or sadness when caught in a lie.

Addressing these signs early can help prevent further behavioral issues.

Do you constantly tell 'white lies' to your children? Read here to find out if this affects dishonesty in children.