Don’t Tell Your Child ‘I’m Disappointed In You’–Try These Instead

I have a tween. These days she spends a major part of weekdays in school, while I spend countless hours working. As such, I’m grateful that even with full days, we still get to dedicate a few minutes (or even hours) each day just making chika about how we spent our day. However, there are days when I’m in a gloomy mood, or I feel frustrated or disappointed over something she tells me. I sometimes catch myself wanting to say, “I’m disappointed in you.” It might seem a straightforward and harmless thing to say to express our feelings as parents, but one expert points out, it might have unintended negative effects on our children.

Why “I’m disappointed in you” isn’t helpful

Educator and author Katie Plunkett regularly shares parenting tips on her Instagram account, @kidtalk.co, and one of the things she discussed is how telling our kids we are disappointed in them can negatively affect their self-esteem and our relationship with them.

According to Katie, the phrase “I’m disappointed in you” can be harmful because it focuses on the child’s identity rather than their behavior. It implies that their worth is tied to their actions, which can lead to feelings of shame and negative self-perception. Instead of making them feel such things, we should instead foster a sense of accountability and growth, and not make them feel that they are inherently bad or unworthy of love and approval.

What to say instead

Instead of expressing disappointment, Katie recommended alternative phrases that instead focus on guiding children to better choices without damaging their self-esteem. Moreover, these statements encourage problem-solving, accountability, and empathy, all essential skills for their development.

“I noticed this was tough. Let’s figure out how to do it differently next time.”

Or: “Napansin ko na nahirapan ka dito. Tutulungan kita makahanap ng mas maayos na paraan sa susunod.”

Why it works: This acknowledges that the situation is difficult and focuses on problem solving, helping children learn from their mistakes without making them feel judged.

“I see that you made a choice that didn’t turn out well. How can we fix it?”

Or: “Nakita ko na nag-desisyon ka na hindi masyadong naging maganda ang resulta. Paano kaya natin ito aayusin?

Why it works: Saying this encourages children to take responsibility for their actions while also emphasizing that mistakes are learning opportunities.

“I’m concerned about what happened. Let’s talk about why it occurred.”

Or: “Nag-aalala ako sa nangyari, pag-usapan natin.”

Why it works: It directly addresses the behavior and expresses concern, not disappointment. As such, we can guide them to better choices without negatively affecting their self-esteem.

“Let’s think about another way to say that. How can we express it more kindly?”

Or: “Pwede tayong mag-isip ng ibang paraan na mas magalang para masabi o mapakita yan.”

Why it works: Saying this helps our children reflect on their words and consider their impact on others. It also encourages empathy and improves their communication skills by promoting thoughtful expression.

“Rules can be tough. What questions do you have about them?”

Or: “Minsan may mga patakaran talaga na mahirap sundin. Meron ka bang mga tanong tungkol dito?”

Why it works: This statement acknowledges that rules can sometimes be difficult to follow while also inviting questions about it, which can foster understanding and open communication. It shows that as parents, we are there to help them to understand and comply.

We might have heard the same statement from our own parents, but it doesn’t mean that we should use it on our own children as well. Growth in parenting means that we remain open to better ways to nurture and support our kids. In this instance, offering support and constructive guidance, instead of making them feel shame from our disappointment, can help our children grow into thoughtful, empathetic, and responsible individuals.

Read here to learn why telling our kids they can do anything is not a good thing.