How To Respond When Your Child Calls Themselves ‘Stupid’ Or ‘Bobo’

“Ang stupid ko!”

Hearing our children say such negative statements about themselves can be disconcerting and even distressing to any parent. As adults, we sometimes berate ourselves similarly, typically when feeling intense emotions like self-doubt, frustration, or shame. However, unlike adults, children need to understand the root cause of these feelings and learn how to process and respond to them. And helping children do this will benefit their emotional development.

Understanding Negative Emotions

Child development specialist Dr. Siggie Cohen tackles this topic. In an Instagram video, she said that parents might find it hard to hear their child use extreme language and say, “I’m stupid,” “I’m the worst,” or “Ang stupid ko,” “Ang lala ko,” but should keep in mind that when kids do this, they’re expressing deep-seated negative emotions. Dr. Siggie addresses a parent’s typical reaction to this situation: to negate or dismiss them by saying, “No, you’re not,” or questioning them, “Why are you saying that?” Such statements might not address the underlying issues. Instead, Dr. Siggie emphasized that parents should recognize that their child struggles with feelings they find difficult to express.

What Should Parents Do

Instead of saying, “Hindi ka ganyan” or “Bakit mo sinasabi yan,” Dr. Siggie recommended that parents should consider doing the following:

Acknowledge their feelings

Experts have always underscored the importance of parents acknowledging their children’s feelings because doing so helps them feel understood, valued, and supported. It fosters emotional well-being and trust and teaches children to manage their emotions effectively. It also shows children that their feelings are valid and accepted, creating a safe space for them to express themselves openly.

It’s no different in situations when children express negative emotions about themselves. Let your child know that you understand they’re experiencing intense emotions. You can tell them:

“Hindi ka bobo o masama o malala. Pero mukhang masama ang nararamdaman mo para masabi mo yan.”

Identify the trigger

Help your child identify what led to these negative feelings. You can ask them to label their emotions, ask what they might feel at that moment, or even practice scenarios that could have caused their negative feelings. Parents can then say:

“May nangyari ba para maramdaman mo yan?”

Or

“Sa tingin ko, kapag nagkakamali ka, pakiramdam mo ay bobo o masama ka na.”

Give reassurance and perspective

As adults, we know that everyone makes mistakes, but it is something we should remind our kids of as often as necessary. Parents should remind their kids that mistakes are a natural part of life and are one of the ways we can learn, and they do not define our worth. We can say:

“Syempre, hindi ka naman ganoon. At alam kong gusto mong mawala itong masamang nararamdaman mo.”

Teach and model alternative ways to deal

Along with acknowledging their feelings, it’s also important for parents to teach and model ways children can deal with their emotions. Doing so equips children with tools that will allow them to manage their own feelings effectively–leading to better social skills, resilience, and overall mental health even later in life. In instances when children express their negative emotions, parents can say:

“Next time, pwede mong subukang sabihin: ‘Nagkamali ako. At it feels bad. Gusto ko ilabas ang nararamdaman ko kahit na alam kong mawawala rin ito.’”

Other Tips

Additionally, it is important for parents to remember that more than acknowledging the things kids say as they express strong negative emotions, what’s more crucial is addressing the underlying feelings rather than the words themselves. Experts say that children often use extreme language to communicate emotions they can’t fully express or explain, so parents should always respond with empathy and help them show their feelings more appropriately.

Parents can do this by:

Staying calm when kids express their negative emotions de-escalates the situation and provides children with a sense of security.

Use positive reinforcement: Parents can highlight kids’ strengths and past achievements, which can also boost their self-esteem in the given situation.

Model healthy self-talk: Children learn by observing and imitating adults, so parents can help by demonstrating how to handle mistakes positively.

Seek professional help if needed: Parents should also recognize when children might need additional help and support, such as when negative self-talk persists or if the behavior escalates.

When parents listen to their children and address the emotions behind their words, we teach them toward healthier self-expression and foster reliance and a more positive self-image.

Read here to learn how to be your child’s emotion coach.