When Gentle Parenting Crosses The Line: How To Reclaim Boundaries

There’s a scene at the mall that I will never forget: an extremely upset child, probably aged four or five, was having a meltdown—screaming, yelling, and kicking, while his mother tried her best to scoop him in her arms—she was almost in tears as she kept mumbling in embarrassment and defeat, "Please stop, please stop."

I've witnessed kids having tantrums and meltdowns—I think we all have—but this is the first time I've seen a parent begging for a child to stop. Even when I wasn't aparent yet, it was such a painful sight to see.  

It must have been very tough for her too—to reach a point of surrender where she decided to plead for her son to put an end to his emotional outburst.

It immediately replaced the picture-perfect image of parenting in my head the way it's usually advertised—bright, sunny smiles, sloppy kisses, and warm hugs—it’s the flip side of the coin (which now, as a mom, totally makes sense): that constant struggle of figuring out this complex role and finding which strategy that works. 

Gentle parenting versus Permissive parenting

A mother of three boys and a Child Development Specialist with over 35 years of experience working with children and families, Dr. Siggie Cohen reminds and warns parents in an Instagram post, “The problem with Gentle parenting I see, is that it can easily become permissive parenting.”

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Gentle parenting is based on the principles of empathy, respect, and understanding, emphasizing guidance over control in the parent-child relationship. It upholds clear and consistent boundaries, communicated with kindness, to create a secure environment for the child.

According to Psychology Today, “Caregivers might think gentle parenting means not ever saying 'no.' This is actually permissive parenting.” Gentle parenting falls under a broader “authoritative parenting style that is both firm and kind.”

“Respecting the child does not mean they behave however they want.”— Dr. Siggie Cohen

Meanwhile, permissive parenting prioritizes warmth and affection but often avoids enforcing rules or setting limits. Dr. Charlotte Peterson, author of The Mindful Parent, describes permissive parents as those who, “…plead, bribe, and make requests” when a limit needs to be set.

This parenting approach typically involves inconsistent or minimal boundaries, as parents may avoid conflict or confrontation. Discipline is rarely applied, and parents may give in to the child’s demands to prevent upset or tantrums. While this parenting style fosters a warm and nurturing environment, it often lacks the structure required for fostering long-term behavioral growth. Sometimes, it’s called, “indulgent parenting.”

Gentle parenting encourages children to develop autonomy and actively participate in decision-making processes. The ultimate goal is to nurture emotional intelligence, self-discipline, and mutual respect. Dr Siggie explains, “Respecting the child does not mean they behave however they want.”

For instance, when a child throws a toy, a gentle parent calmly explains why throwing can be unsafe and disrespectful, involves the child in tidying up, and suggests constructive ways to manage feelings of frustration or to express what they want. In a permissive parenting approach, the parent might quickly pick up the toy and offer to buy an alternative just so the child won’t continue to be upset.

Dr. Siggie believes that connecting with your child does not mean accommodating their every request. In fact, she gives a simple and clear ‘No’ a more profound meaning—it does not mean you do not respect your child—it means that you care about your child. “Boundaries, structure, and clear parameters are just as important as validation and empathy,” Dr. Siggie adds.

Why it matters

American psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein writes, “Since children who grow up with permissive parents are used to doing whatever they want, they have trouble getting along with others. They can be spoiled, selfish, and, yes, quite defiant.”

According to VeryWell, research suggests that kids raised by permissive parents exhibit the following:

• Low achievement in many areas. Permissive parents have little to no expectations of their kids, thus, they have nothing to strive toward. Studies have linked permissive parenting to lower academic achievement.
• Make poor decisions. Since rules or guidelines aren't being strictly or consistently enforced, kids tend to struggle with problem-solving and decision-making skills.

• May be more prone to delinquency and substance use. Some studies indicate that children raised by permissive parents may be at a higher risk of engaging in misconduct and using alcohol or other substances.
• Show more aggression and less emotional understanding. Children with permissive parents may struggle in stressful or emotionally challenging situations because they often do not learn how to manage their emotions effectively, especially when they encounter disappointment or do not get what they want.
• Unable to manage their time or habits. Due to the lack of structure and rules at home, these children often fail to develop a sense of limits. This can result in excessive behaviors such as watching too much television, playing too many video games, or overeating. Without learning to regulate their screen time or eating habits, they may develop unhealthy patterns that increase the risk of obesity.

Here’s how to turn things around

If you find it challenging to enforce rules or often give in to your child, don’t be quick toto beat yourself up; know that adopting authoritative parenting strategies (not authoritarian) while keeping the parent-child connection can help.

While it may feel uncomfortable initially, becoming more consistent and firm can foster better behavior and a healthier parent-child relationship. This transition often involves reintroducing or reclaiming boundaries, reinforcing rules, managing moments when your child feels upset, and, most importantly, being consistent.

You've crossed the line, what to do now?

An article from VeryWell highlights the following strategies: 

• Establish clear household rules. Develop a straightforward set of rules that clearly communicate your expectations. When children know what is expected of them, they are more likely to follow through.
• Be consistent in following through. Sticking to the rules can be challenging for permissive parents, but consistency is crucial. Approach enforcement with firmness and love, explaining why the rules are important to help your child understand. Ensure consequences are applied every time a rule is broken to reinforce their significance.
• Define clear consequences. Help your child understand what happens if they break a rule. Logical consequences, such as time-outs or losing privileges, should be directly connected to the behavior, making them easier for the child to grasp and learn from.
• Encourage Positive Behavior. Actively recognize and reward your child when they follow the rules or demonstrate good behavior. Providing praise or granting special privileges can reinforce positive actions and motivate them to continue making good choices.

You, dear parent, are the leader of the pack

Dr. Siggie tells parents, "Trust in yourself and in the natural authority you have as a parent." She adds, "Authority is a good thing."

"You don't use it to overpower your child. But to be there for them as the confident leader they need," Dr. Siggie concludes.  

But what if gentle parenting does not work? Read here for insights.