Validating Feelings Isn’t Enough–Here’s What Parents Should Do

As parents, we have always heard time and time again to validate our children’s feelings, acknowledge what they are feeling, and help them process. While this is essential, it’s not the end-all-be-all of parenting. Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist, asserts, “Validating feelings is an incomplete parenting strategy.” In a short video interview, she highlights how parents should lead and balance emotional validation with firm boundaries and guidance.

The Role of Emotional Validation

Validating a child’s emotions involves recognizing and accepting their feelings, while conveying understanding and empathy. Every time a parent does it, it helps children feel seen and heard, promoting emotional intelligence and self-awareness. However, a parent’s job doesn’t stop there. Structure and leadership should support emotional validation–without these, children might feel unsupported and anxious.

Parents as Leaders

Dr. Becky illustrates the importance of “sturdy leadership” and parenting types using an analogy: “Imagine you’re a passenger, and I’m the pilot, and it’s very turbulent. And you’re looking around and like all the passengers are freaking out,” Dr. Becky explains. “So, pilot one would be like a classic punishment parent, and they’d get on the intercom… And they’d say, ‘Everyone back there, stop. You’re so dramatic. You’re making a big deal of nothing, and you’re ruining my flight,’” she says, illustrating what typically happens when parents dismiss their children’s feelings. It’s similar to when our kids are having a tantrum, and we tell them, “You’re ruining my dinner out.” Doing this can lead to children feeling more scared or angry, as Dr. Becky explains using her analogy, “As a passenger, you’re like, first of all, does this person know it’s pretty turbulent, maybe we need to mention that because it is.”

Dr. Becky then explains what children will feel when parents stop at emotional validation: “Pilot two is the opposite extreme, [he’ll say,] ‘Everyone back there is scared, and you know what, it is scary, and I’m just going to open the cockpit door. If anyone wants to come in here and take over, be my guest.’” She says it’s similar to when we allow our kids to do what they want because they’re upset, such as allowing them to watch one more show on a school night to appease them. This “letting them decide on their own” can be terrifying for kids, making them feel that they don’t have a “leader” who will help and guide them. Dr. Becky further explains using the same analogy, “[Kids] love boundaries. It would be as if your pilot said, ‘We have to make an emergency landing.’ And if I say, ‘No, I don’t want to land in Denver.’ And the pilot will say, ‘Okay, forget it.’” And everyone will crash.

So what should parents do? Dr. Becky says that, unlike the first two pilots/parents, parents should strive to be “sturdy leaders”–validating other people’s feelings while staying connected to their role through boundaries. Using the same turbulent flight analogy, a sturdy leader will say, “I hear that everyone’s freaking out. You’re right, I hear you. It’s very turbulent.” And even if the pilot might not find it turbulent or the parent might not find the situation as stressful, Dr. Becky explains that they can still say, “I recognize it’s turbulent. Everyone is upset. You know, you guys do your thing. If you need to scream, it’s fine. I’m about to get off and do my job. I’ve done this a million times, and I’m going to land us. I’ll see you on the ground.”

Ultimately, a parent leader sees and acknowledges their children’s feelings are real but is not infected by them because of their boundaries.

This approach also aligns with “lighthouse parenting,” where parents serve as stable beacons, offering guidance and support without overstepping. “Parents, you should be like a lighthouse for your child, a stable force from the shoreline that they can measure themselves against,” says Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg, pediatrician, adolescent medicine specialist, university professor, co-founder/director of Center for Parent and Teen Communication and an advocate of Lighthouse Parenting. He further describes it as balanced parenting: “When we balance parenting, then we actually pay attention to the situation. We always protect our kids when safety is involved, but we prepare them to navigate the world on their own. We remember that preparation is protection.”

Validation with Boundaries

While validating feelings is crucial, parents should also remember to set and enforce appropriate boundaries. Finding this balance helps children understand their limits and develop self-discipline. 

Another point parents should consider is that focusing on validation without the necessary leadership or boundaries can lead to parental burnout. Constantly prioritizing children’s emotional state can overwhelm parents, leading to exhaustion and emotional withdrawal. Studies have shown that parental burnout can increase stress and strain family dynamics.

Moreover, children may develop a sense of entitlement or lack resilience if they grow up without facing challenges or understanding their limits. Therefore, it’s essential to integrate sturdy leadership (with boundaries) with validation to support children’s emotional development and parental well-being.

How to Implement a Balanced Approach

To achieve this balance, parents can:

Acknowledge and validate emotions: Actively listen to your child’s feelings and express understanding and empathy.

Set clear expectations: Don’t forget to communicate rules and the reasons behind them, ensuring children understand boundaries.

Allow natural consequences: When it’s safe, and the situation permits it, let children experience the results of their actions to foster learning.

Be consistent: Apply rules and consequences consistently to provide a stable environment.

Model behavior: Demonstrate self-regulation and problem-solving skills in your actions so kids can observe and model.

With emotional validation and firm guidance, parents can create a nurturing environment that promotes children’s emotional health, resilience, and responsible behavior.

Read here to learn more about lighthouse parenting.