What Happens To Kids Who Grow Up With Parents Who Often Disagree?

“Huwag na huwag mag-aaway sa harap ng mga bata.”

You’ve probably heard this from the elders more than once, as a child or as a parent yourself. But what if there’s more to arguing that could debunk the idea that it is all negative and detrimental?

Adam Grant, according to his profile on Wharton's School-University of Pennsylvania site, is Wharton’s top-rated professor for seven straight years, an organizational psychologist, a leading expert on how we can find motivation and meaning in our lives, and has been recognized as one of the world’s 10 most influential management thinkers as well as Fortune’s 40 under 40. 

In the episode “Adam Grant gives Trevor Noah An Intellectual Wedgie, in a podcast called, What Now? With Trevor Noah, Grant challenges the idea of parents debating in front of their children with a thought-provoking revelation that parents who often engage in a constructive argument are actually helping their kids be creative and challenge the status quo. Grant pummels a radical concept about “arguing with your spouse a little bit more.” 

"I want to keep the peace, I don’t want to damage the relationship. And so, we never build the calluses for the big ones.”—Adam Grant

To agree or disagree

Grant says, “The more we invest in a relationship, the more we build it. But for some reason, whatever we’ve been doing to invest in our relationships in the last decade is not enough.”

He adds, “I actually wonder if we’re making the opposite mistake. Let’s say, you know, that’s not important enough—to have the argument. I want to keep the peace, I don’t want to damage the relationship. And so, we never build the calluses for the big ones.”

To which Trevor, the host, replied, “You’re saying because we don’t spend enough time challenging each other on the small things, we’re not prepared when the big things come around for a constructive, and let’s say, a respectful dialogue.”

Grant continues, “I think so often people are told, just compromise, pick your battles, in relationships that they end up treating them as fragile.”

Grant wants to challenge this idea of harmony in relationships where we should learn how to disagree, and so forth mentioning a classic research in families, “What does it take to create a creative child?” He notes that it turns out, creative children come from families who have regular arguments or disagreements. To which Trevor thinks, it’s because the kids are being raised in an environment where there is no “one-way” to think and so they stumble on a third thought, which is an idea apart from the two opposing thoughts.

“I don’t need you to think I’m right. I just need you to think that you might be wrong.”—Adam Grant

Grant calls this as cognitive complexity. Grant expounds, “Instead of just defaulting or deferring to whatever an authority figure tells you, you realize, well there are two different authorities in the room and they don’t agree…and that can be cognitive complexity, but it can also lead to more courage when it comes to challenging the status quo ‘cause there is no right answer.”

I don’t need you to think I’m right

“I don’t need you to think I’m right. I just need you to think that you might be wrong,” Grant further explains when it comes to constructively arguing with a spouse.

During Covid, he claims they did something they have not done before. They created a household where they could debate constructively because he wanted to raise a family who can “commit mistakes and not be ego-defensive about it.” They discussed over family dinner how each one can improve and this turned out to be a powerful conversation—which actually led him to writing a book about changing one’s mind.

Constructive arguing, not in the light of yelling, screaming, interrupting, or name-calling, is what Grant believes to be in a manner which is respectful and open. The main goal of debating is modeling constructive discussions for your children, where both parties actively participate, listen to each other's viewpoints, and ideally arrive at a healthy resolution. Grant elaborates, “We’re all works in progress and we all get this wrong. And we all have to work on ourselves.”

The effect of constructive arguments to children

In a journal discussing childhood parenting experiences and its correlation to adult creativity, researchers examined the connection between early childhood parenting experiences and adult creativity, as assessed by imaginative storytelling and Creative Personality Scale. The findings indicated a significant positive correlation between parental conflict during preschool years and higher levels of creativity in adulthood. This study asked adults in their early 30s to write "imaginative stories" and found that the most creative ones were linked to participants who had been exposed to parental conflict during childhood.

In addition, in a study called, The Implications of Early Marital Conflict for Children’s Development, researchers found that while destructive conflict resolution styles disrupt children’s sense of emotional well-being resulting in anger, worry, and sadness, children’s exposure to constructive conflict can ease the effects of interparental conflict. The same research learned that parents’ displays of validation and affection to one another during conflict elicited positive emotional responses from children, such as happiness, safety, and security. The use of constructive conflict tactics has been linked to a decreased likelihood of children developing aggressive behaviors and experiencing adjustment issues.

The research above explains, “Angry Conflict Resolution Style includes behaviors that are physically or verbally aggressive, defensive, or hostile in nature, and are typically accompanied by high levels of conflict. Constructive Conflict Resolution Style is characterized by respect, active listening, regulated communication, and compromise.” The study notes that constructive conflict is positively linked to children’s healthy emotional development.

8 tips on arguing constructively

Below are tips on how to make the disagreements as respectful as possible. 

Be open. Couples can have open and respectful conversations without resorting to criticism, defensiveness, or contempt. This promotes mutual understanding and ensures both partners feel heard. You can borrow the thought from Grant’s family dinner: “What can I do better?”

Practice active listening. Remember, it’s not about being right. Each partner must learn how to listen to the other's viewpoint, while acknowledging and validating their emotions. This approach can help reduce tension and foster empathy.

Focus on solving the problem. Rather than trying to win the argument, constructive conflict involves working together to identify solutions. Couples focus on addressing the core issue and develop a plan that is amenable to both partners.

Be flexible. Both partners should be willing to make concessions. Remain adaptable. This means being open to different solutions and sometimes finding a middle ground.

Regulate emotions. Easier said than done, but managing emotions during disagreements works wonders. Constructive conflict requires staying calm, avoiding yelling or blaming, and taking breaks if emotions become overwhelming. Respect each other’s space if one needs a time out.

Promote positive reinforcement. Recognize and appreciate each other's efforts during and after resolving a conflict to enhance the relationship. This will create a more positive environment for future disagreements.

Take the argument as a learning opportunity. Couples use conflicts as opportunities to grow and learn, knowing that disagreements can lead to deeper insights into each other's needs and perspectives.

'Kiss and make up'—in front of the kids. While it is vital to show high regard and openness while discussing a point or an issue in front of the kids, it is also crucial to let them know that as a couple, you have reached a degree of resolution. This way, the kids would learn the value, not only about constructive arguing, but also about understanding, respect, making amends, and forgiveness.

What are your thoughts on this? Share with us in the comments below.

Interested to know more about how couples in healthy relationships fight? Read here.